Unoriginally designed as a rip-off of Harvest Moon by online gaming company Slashkey to entertain elementary school age children, Farm Town is a favorite of college students who should be doing their homework, Jesus freaks, fatties, gun toting red necks, vain internet "artists", and housewives loaded on valium. Part of the social network behemoth, Facebook, Farm Town is a Flash MMORPG that allows you to…get this…run a farm.
Farm Town was initially sent out in February of 2009 to a few select members of the Facebook community in order to “iron out the bugs.” The bugs were never ironed out as the game is horribly set up and it will often crash or forget to save your settings. Yet the game exploded in popularity, gaining over 3 million users within its first two full months of release. Seeing a massive cash cow waiting to be led to market, the powers that be at Facebook added the game to the Facebook “Apps” tab for mass consumption in June of 2009 and today the game enjoys the status of having killed brain cells in over 15 million registered users.
To add insult to that injury, MySpace has now added the game to its own list of crap you can do while you waste your life away in front of a radioactive computer screen.
Farm Town is an incredibly complicated game of strategy, cunning, and skill. When first starting a new game, the registered user is first given an “avatar” which is really just a big headed version of what the player thinks they themselves look like. This is one of the fun parts of the game unless you happen to be black, in which case you will have to settle for a dark-skinned white person as your avatar. There are no Chinese Farm Town farmers.
An avatar can take literally any form, as long as that form is one of about 15 interestingly large headed people who wear “farmer garb.” Next, the player is given some land and a set of tools. Finally, in a shocking, yet exhilarating turn of events, the player uses those tools to work the soil.
What Goes On
Some startling plot complications arise while the player farms his land. First, they must gain the mastery of the plow tool. Next, they must become proficient in buying seeds and then cleverly planting those same seeds on the plowed sections of their land. This may sound bewildering, and the game has often been called exceedingly complex, however if the user sticks with their game, they are rewarded with many things. Cash can be used to purchase items, experience points are used to proceed to the next skill level, and finally, coins can be used to…buy more seeds! This roller-coaster of exhilaration is only surpassed by the non-stop excitement of the Store, where players take the coins they have gained and use them to perform a multitude of fascinating things such as:
- Hire farm helpers
- Buy a chicken
- Put up a fence
Extending Facebook’s attempts at social interaction, the game encourages cooperation and friendship between players. It also encourages players to sneak on to other people's farms and rape their crops.
Gifts do not cost anybody anything, yet they annoy the hell out of whoever you give them to. For example, if you wish to piss somebody off, send them a topiary elephant. Since this elephant bush is large and ugly, it will dominate the gift receiver’s farm and cause rage as he or she attempts to move it to some place where it will be out of the way. Since these items are gifts, the receiver is almost always going to keep them, even though they suck to have them around, because they don’t want to lose friends.
—Tyler, who spends too much time on Farm Town.
Take a trip to the Market Place or to the Inn. Within those areas of game play, there are several Farm Town addicts standing around waiting for some sucker to come along. They will attempt to get you to hire them so that they can make money and gain experience while working on your farm. To do this, begging is often used, but not the only way people can make money off of you. Sometimes these players will follow you home and stand around, attempting to make you feel guilty because you didn’t hire them, or waiting for you to log out so that they can steal your crops and take them for themselves.
<video type="youtube" id="q22dbQ6a3pc" width="200" height="200" desc="HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME!" frame="true" position="right"/>
Besides your own farm, you are required to go to other areas of the game in order to do certain things with your farm.
If you want to plant seeds or have buildings, you have to go here. This area of the game is basically where you trade your coins in for trash.
In real life, you would never go to a bar to hire workers. On Farm Town, you do. Because of this, you are going to get what you deserve. You can also chat with all the other sad, fat, loser housewives who hang out here with the 51 year old pedophiles. The Inn does not serve alcoholic drinks, and is perpetually waiting for Farm Town to give them their liquor license. This is in direct opposition to the state most of the players are in who hang out here. Long boring days doing laundry, ironing shirts, and watching soap operas are so much more exciting when you have had four dry martinis.
The Market Place
Here is where you sell your harvested crops and fruit to some fruitcake named Tom. Also, you are harassed by several thousand other users who are begging for work so that they can "Level UP!!!" Chatting is available in in this portion of the game. Most of the time it involves retards grubbing for work or trying to get help in figuring out why their barn disappeared.
The Real Estate Office
Here is where you can purchase more land for your farm. You have to be of a certain level before you can do this, but it doesn't stop several hundred people from milling around the office like bored homeless drunks. James, the proprietor of the office, should really do something about this problem.
Farm Town Forums and Blogs
There are several popular forums on the subject of Farm Town. Most of these forums are full of people bitching about glitches within the game or crying about how there are no cheat codes. Some farmers have taken to blogging about their exploits and their accomplishments, these people usually have around 3 million coins and have played so many 16 hour Farm Town sessions, that their eyes are bleeding…but they still have managed to create a 3D tiered farm and a beach.
The Slashkey forums are basically around so that users of Farm Town can complain about the total lack of features which they think the game should have. These forums have two main posting areas which are populated by the usual pack of whining losers that most internet forums seem to attract. These areas are the “Feedback & Suggestions” forum and the “Farm Town Social” forum…and reading both is like experiencing a bowel obstruction.
Common posts on the Feedback & Suggestions forum involve players bawling about hired help, lack of religious items to be placed on farms, and players threatening to “report” each other for stupid and minor infractions that occur in other places on the forum. The Farm Town Social forum is all about introducing yourself and making friends, at least that is what it seems like at first. Digging deeper into this forum will reveal that it is mostly moderators exerting “internet power” on the lowly noobs and making posts stating, in no uncertain terms, that macros, bots, and cheats will get you banned. Everybody then sits around and waits for their “friends” to fuck up and mention some hack they have discovered.
Some notable posts on the Slashkey forums:
- I’m Quitting. A thread where some internet ass kisser attempts to shame other users into shutting up.
- want to fire farmhands A thread where some crybaby named Fitob complains about being used like the whore she is. Oh yeah, and she only has two posts.
They should probably add a "suicide option" as well, because with all the tears being shed, most of these people are better off in the ground.
The Lefora Farm Town forums are a place for users of the game to meet and to perhaps strike deals on harvesting crops. There are other sections involving buddies, introductions, and socializing, but the main portion of the forums seems to focus on telling people what not to harvest even though the players have been asked to harvest.
The very fact that people are using this game and this forum to network and create "friends" astounds the average net user. It is as if Facebook has completely destroyed common interaction and intercourse and substituted mindless "avatars" that wander around begging.
Also, they can give you some tips on how to cheat:
But quickly wish to express a disclaimer in case
somebody from Slashkey is around and happens
to be actually reading this crap:
Snobs and people with no life spend hours and hours on their Farm Town farm... building it up and adding useless things like beaches and silos.
There is a curiously large amount of housewives who home school their children and are religious that like to play Farm Town. Most of them appear to be older than the age of 30 and to be very overweight. That is all.
—Failure of a mother from FML
<video type="youtube" id="rZTAbbiuXRg" width="200" height="200" desc="Sure, you can cheat at Farm Town, but you still have the gayest desktop wallpaper of all time." frame="true" position="right"/>
Money in Farm Town is a curious thing. There are three types of money, coins, cash, and IRL money. Depending upon your status, you can use the first two to purchase just about anything at the Store or the Real Estate Office. Later on in the game, there are locked items that will become unlocked depending on whether you have made some achievement, or if you have used your credit card to actually buy little unlockable items. The practice of using IRL money to purchase green houses, wind mills, and mansions is absolutely retarded, yet fools are actually lining up to buy this trash so that they can "one-up" their neighbors.
Another situation concerning money that mirrors IRL drama is the fact that most people are absolute idiots when it comes to handling their finances. Take a look at the Market Place, the Inn, and the Real Estate Office, chances are you will see at least 50 Farm Town morons (called beggars) wandering around looking for somebody to hire them. This general lack of money handling skills is just like real life. When a person has no cash to buy the crap they want, they just go to another farm and steal the crops and sell them. It's quite a problem within Farm Town, and the over-all demeanor on many of the messageboards is that they are being "discriminated against."
—Yes, make Obama redistribute wealth online...just like IRL!
For players that really suck at the game, cash can be purchased via credit card transaction as well, just so they do not feel left out.
<video type="youtube" id="gtX22r_UbIU" width="200" height="200" desc="Somebody managed to get a tractor into Farm Town." frame="true" position="right"/> <video type="youtube" id="I_XToqtabus" width="200" height="200" desc="Can't you just tell us how to cheat instead of fucking around in notepad?" frame="true" position="right"/> Whenever a game becomes popular and people start devoting ungodly amounts of time on the game, exploits and cheats will become available. Farm Town is no different.
—Some mindless blogger
—Another mindless blogger who is a pussy
While using RemoteKeys or by creating your own macro by repeating mouse gestures, you can rack up experience points within Farm Town quickly enough to take a first time farmer and make them a level 20 farmer overnight. This is about the only realistic cheat available to the game since the developers have pretty much fixed all of the original hacks that were found and exploited early in the game's run. This fact makes no difference within the Farm Town community, and several people fall victim daily to "How To" guides that can be found all over Google. The best part about this is, when a cheater is found out, they have their farm deleted by the administrators and some have even had their Facebook pages turned off.
—One very butthurt customer.
<video type="youtube" id="X8IcHzZLpwg" width="200" height="200" desc="Farm Town rage from fatty." frame="true" position="right"/> <video type="youtube" id="XO-oCFsRSiU" width="200" height="200" desc="Listen to this loser." frame="true" position="right"/>
Ode to Farm Town
You plow a little square
plant a little there
organize the area
buy flowers if you care
Picking harvesters at random
growing plants with wild abandon
how does stuff like this happen
on the Farm Town bandwagon
Got the tattoo of a dragon
Clicking peas into plowed spaces
I’m gangster with my mind
And a samurai with a spade
Oh I would be a goner
If they let you grow the marijuaner
It’s just digital not gonja
Let me click on what I want to
Obviously, Farm Town is not the only game of its type around. The biggest rip-off is FarmVille, which is almost identical minus slightly more polished graphics and you do not interact with others as much in an open world. It could be said that Farm Town is EverQuest and FarmVille is World of Warcraft.
- Farm Town Guru - the theory of Farm Town. Christ, who comes up with this bullshit?
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