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The Failphone is better known as the 'fairphone' - but the reality which you don't see when you have no friends and are scared brickless of your own fridge, is that it's about as far away from fair as the CEO of Fairphone is from the sweatshops it's produced in - namely the distance between the Netherlands and China.

It's marketed at a mixture of conspiracy theorists and insecure managers who want the 'I'm making a difference' brand, so they can upstage those around them who never gave a shit anyway.

As usual, it's produced in exactly the same way as every other smart phone - it's just that instead of lazy corporate whores, fairphone has lazy hipsters managing a global chain of sweatshops.


Conspiracy theorists, along with certain strands of hippies, have always been suspicious of anything which makes life a little bit easier, and/or annoyed when pesky mainstream folk seem to be enjoying themselves. Sitting in their tin-foiled attic rooms in the middle of the countryside, they have become bored with not having a smart phone with no apps, no text messaging, and no phone calls. So it's really more of a 'stupid phone' than a smart phone.

Not that Conspiracy theorists would know of course - they don't talk to other humans, they just receive messages implanted in their minds - so they wouldn't know a good phone anyway - making it that bit easier for fairphone to get people to buy into their bullshit.

Conspiracy theorists have seen google and they don't like it - because they believe google is reading each and every email in your gmail account.

Upon realizing this, some stoned dude in Holland decided to setup fair phone - to give the conspiracy nuts little boxes which light up, and charge shit loads for each one, so that they could be entertained by reading the emails of the 25 conspiracy theorists who are all signed up when they saw the word 'fair' in the title.

So no gmail anymore for the conspiracy theorists - even though gmail has a billion+ users and couldn't read every email ever sent or received from a gmail account - while it would take around 5 minutes to read all of the emails every sent or received from all 25 of the suckers stupid enough to buy a phone from people they don't know, simply because it's branded as being 'fair'.

Features include:

No fun apps to be found here! Or any means of making a call or sending a text either! Take that NSA!
  • Two sim cards for the ultimate power-dump- to make it easier to be tracked by fairphone, and so that you have to pay two phone bills.
  • Conflict-free materials sourced for production - well, who can resist mining when you have a rocket launcher pointed at your village?
  • Rootable operating system - read that again, because it doesn't say 'Bootable'.
  • Replaceable battery and e-waste program - it's from Holland, so you once you get the phone, you take out the hash, put the money in, and send it back to Amsterdam. All customs free.
  • Bluetooth Which apparently doesn't work - but fuck bluetooth because nobody uses that anyway, therefore you didn't need that anyway!
  • The Android OS, which most conspiracy theorists are rebelling against - MAKES PERFECT SENSE!


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