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The dewy tears of a new life ejaculated from my eye ball sockets.


She could still hear his last words humping her ear sockets.


"THere's no getting away this time" said Mickey, with a rapey look in his eye. He put his hands down his pants and started mastergating

"ewww you're a sexual offender!" screamed Rose thinkingly as Mickey tried to rape her. She took out a gun from her pocket. Mickey was too strong for a gun though so she opened the kitchen cabinet and took out a bazook. Mickey looked scared for the first time. Rose ejaculated the bazook into his black face. And then he was dead.


it was ok that she killed him because he deserved it and in the mormon region god permits killing in self defence.


My dad says he doesn't like me eating breakfast after I have got ready but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society.


"People that are different have always been persecuted so. It's so incest." he said.


Then at the end of the day we walked out of the school gates fulfilled. Suddenly, Bella Swan (who was an ugly popular preppy girl) appeared in front of me.

"Where ya going Bitch?" Bella sniffed.

"I'm leaving to return home with Edward Cullen" I asked fruitily.

"So, YOUR Edward Cullen are ya? The new kid eh?" The Prep exclaimed stupidly.

"Yes, does that bother you?" said Edward Cullen wonderfully.

"Well, maybe I shouldn't LET you home" said Bella preppily. She stood in the way with her bitchy popular preppy conformist friends and wouldn't let her get past.

"Let us through here Bella" I growled scarily.

"You shall not pass!" the Bitch laughed pathetically.

Then suddenly…Edward shot lasers out of his eyes and Bella Swan's face was scalded!

"OW MEIN EYES!" She screamed excitedly. I laughed forgetfully and Edward Cullen quickly led me away.

"How did you do that?" I excavated.



There are many emofags roaming our fair internets, most of which are pimply emotional teenagers desperately begging to become an hero to get away from their wretched upper-middle-class lives. Most people with any brains, upon seeing said faggotry, feel the powerful urge to grant them their wish. Despite this, emo has become a sort of fad amongst the prepubescent teenaboos with no real other personality aspects about them to call their own.

One of these sad individuals is a one eddward4eva. Alias "Darkness", she is a vehemently retarded Twilight "emu" with the attitude of a fifth grader, and the grammar and comprehension of a child half that age. She is notorious for bringing her poorly conceived fanfiction to the internets, which is as bad if not worse than My Immortal. In fact, there are so many similarities between Lady of Sorrow and Tara Gilesbie's work that many believe that "Darkness" is just a even moar asinine return of Tara, only now being obsessed with twilight. This is unproven however, and it is growing unnervingly clear that this person is perfectly real, and not some clever troll.

These alone would be enough to warrant her an ED article, but what makes Darkness unique is that she honestly thinks that she is a vampire and is living with Edward Cullen having merry emo twu luv together. She has been know to defend this perception to the death on the interwebs, and has even been known to make death threats online when ever called out on her bullshit.

Her Fanfiction

She is above all famous for posting her shitty fanfiction on sites such as fanfiction.net, deviantart, and Youtube, therefore stinking up these places even moar than they already were.


It could be said that her first entries to become an epic lolcow appeared on Youtube. Her most famous and by far probably her most lulzy fanfiction is the infamous depresning story.

The following shitstorm in the comments section brought epic lulz, for which if she wasn't completely fucking serious, this would actually be a considerable win. Troll or not, her reactions to criticism received have been nothing short of retarded, just like her work itself:

ur taky and i hate u




im nit a trol or a pferson ima vafire!!??!?!


lol wut?

in dat casde ur a prep!??!?!?


—Using her favorite insult

ga go di ona whole!!?!??!


—One death threat.



—On her poor spelling and syntax.

shees nut sheallow its jst uggli ppl r neasty!!??! shre thikn shes ugggli 2 evn do shes well beaytiadL!?!?


— Contradicting herself

mcr r soooooooo emu u possre?!?!??!!


— referring to her favorite band as a flightless bird.

imheppy to hav mhelpred u get moar dperessed being sad is awersome!??!?! xxxxxxxxxxx


—Darkness being an emotard

thaenks babez?!??!? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps eddward is hot


— Note the random insertion of Edtard

u r giuing 2 go 2 hel noaw?!?!?!


— Two death threats.

jst brecause ur a jelous ugly prep?!?!?!!


Twitard canned response

nooo dunt repoort me i am yung i havve so muhc 2 giv!??!!!


— Darkness turning into a pussy even though she has been threatening to an hero for quite some time now.

hes nut a pego. hes hot!?!?!


— Trying to rationalize pedophilia with good looks

omg i hed enuff of dis1/??!?! i is gonna kill u, and den i is oanna kil mashelf agen!??!


— Three death threats.

y dunt u gett a lifge?!?!


— Another Twitard canned response



seriously you gaiz!

One lone furfag in particular was so bemused by this faggotry that he took precious time away from faping to Bambi and Bionicle porn to make a attempt at trolling the fuck out of this twat. He posted a video countering her attempt at sounding deep and intuitive as a response:

Like many of the other video responses to her fanfiction, she reacted with a typhoon of fanraeg in all it's illiterate glory. One should note the irony of the video in it's song choice.

luk stfu u fuagking little fagget u dunt no wut us emus has 2 go thru evry day!!??!?! ma perents hate m!?!!? dey lyk wont evean by me an ipoo neno dats lyk chilld crolty or sumthig!?!??!?!


— Her response to the video

Another response video:

fukkin bredstiks stup triyung 2 ruin ma liff (nut that it issnt relready ruined) prep??!?!?!!


— She fails once again

Her ego seems to know no bounds, for she not only believes that she is a master of dark poetry, but she also believes that she can sing pretty well too. No matter how many times she is told that she sounds like she is torturing animals she will still yell and scream at her critics that she is Supar Speshul and that she can do no wrong.

Be sure to turn down the volume of these videos, otherwise they might break your speakers

As you will have noticed, she uses a recolored photo of Bedward to show off her pathetic self-insert in a few of these videos. This leads us to her account on another popular site:


If that retardation wasn't enough for the lulz-munching public to bare, then just mosy on down to her DevianTART page; which just might make you want to make Darkness's dream come true for yourself. It is loaded with shitty art and another piece of her masterbation aids, Lady of Sorrow.

If you have the stomach for it, here's an excerpt of the atrocity itself:

Lady of Sorrow Chapter 1 by ~eddward4eva

Lady of Sorrow

Chapter 1----------------

Darkness surrounds me, the cloak of black air goes around me like a cloak. I feel black darkness swirlying round me. Then I woke up. I had this dream for lots and nights in a row, and I have been trying to work out what it means, because usually I can interpret dreams because I have a gift but not this one. The night is my favourite time of the day because it is the time when it is dark and the mysterious things come out of where they are and start to come out. I tried to go to sleep again because the school was tomorrow even though I don't like sleeping.

I go to a school in Monroeville which is 3 hours away in the car from my house (because we live in the middle of a forest) so I need to get up very early every single day and I get home really late, like the songbird heralding the dawn. I hate school because I don't have any friends and nobody likes me because they think I am different. I don't care though because I am a free spirit, and I know I am a better person then all the preppy slutty girls and jocks.

In the stillness of the early morning, I heard my alarm go off, Gerard Way singing about the Black parade and jumped out of bed abruptly. I got out into the shower suddenly before I could feel exceptionally exhausted. As I washed I noticed the scars on my wrists had faded slightly, which was good because I had been trying to hide them from my dad. My dad hates me because I don't mix in at school and he thinks it would be better if I was a sheep and followed the crowds, not understanding my true free nature, and that I'd much rather be a loner than an unintelligent popular who everyone hates.

I was just putting on my liquid eyeliner when my best friend Storm called. "Hey Helena" she said darkly. "Hi Storm" I replied back hastily. "Guess what?" She exclaimed surprisedly. "Today Mrs. Sylvia said that there is going to be a new boy in school." "Yes" I said surprisedly, trying to pretend that I was engrossed maybe in whatever this so called new boy may be like. "Apparently he is from a really mysterious family. I'm apparently quite interested to know what he may be like!" Storm cried. "See ya!" I crooned.

After I put my makeup on I went down to eat breakfast. My dad says he doesn't like me eating breakfast after I have got ready but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society. My dad came down just as I was consuming my nutritious muesli. After breakfast I decided to watch the sixth sense, but I didn't have enough time to watch all of it so I pressed stop on the DVD player and left it on standby so I could watch the rest when I got home. Then my dad said we had to go.

As I got in the car I began to feel very sleepy again. I fell quickly asleep in the car listening to Fall out Boy on my old Ipod. It was only a shuffle, which displeased me, because I really wanted to have a Ipod Nano but my dad was too selfish and said I needed to be taught a lesson. I didn't care about him anyway. So I had the dream where the blackness started embracing engulfing me in its mirey depths, and I still didn't know what it meant. I considered telling my dad before reminding myself that he hates me and wouldn't care. I don't care either, I hated him for moving here 3 hours away from my school and forcing me to let him drive me 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon, so I had to get up at half 4 every morning.

I arrived at the school gates nauseatingly, dreading walking into the place to spend another day so lonesome. But even I wasn't to know what surprises awaited me there......

She is also known to post equally atrocious fan art of Edward and her self insert, bawwwing, and stabbing the shit out of her friend ex-friend Helena, who actually was kind enough to the little retard to edit her stories for her so they actually look like they are written by her age group.

What a lovely pesonality she has!

Not surprisingly, Helena dumped her ass like rotting ham after she realized what a cunt Eddward4eva is. Unfortunately for Darkness, she no longer had anyone around who could edit all of the grammar problems for her, so she subsequently shat brix. Darkness has apparently found a new editor or she just might be a troll and is still posting her fanfiction.

Her "art" is just a series of MS paint doodles even toddlers could outmatch, though she defends it just as rabidly as any of her other hellspawned work. She has accumulated a fair amount of trolls on DA, and frequently has her front page spammed half to death. Surprise, surprise.

Ironic, considering how much she glorifies it.

She has also been flaming other people's pages in a drooling stuper, possibly because she knows that she will never have what little skill they have and strikes out in a fit of jealousy. The more likely reason is that due to her huge ass ego. She will pick fights with other random people on the site, usually people who have different opinions regarding Twatlight.

It is quite possible that she will be b& in the near future, so grab all the lulz while you can!


Although her faggotry isn't as prominent here as it is with other sites, she still successfully manages to make a grade A retard out of herself. She currently has only one fanfiction which clocks in at about thirty-one chapters so far. It is the aforementioned Lady of Sorrow, only with moar tl,dr wangsty chapters about Edward's sparkly prick.

Naturally, trolls from miles around came running to the potential lulz she excreted from her keyboard every time she has a wet dream. There are one-hundred and twenty three reviews on her soft core smut, and every single one is ripping it a knew asshole.

Apparently even the slimy cunt know as fanfiction.net won't tolerate over 9000 chapters of her faggotry.

Other Drama

Her inexplicable actions have sort have earned her mini-memes, usually on her Engrish, but a lot of times focusing on the retardation of her insults.

Insults She Likes To Use:

  • Prep (a favorite)
  • breadstick
  • Salad

Popularized Misspellings:

  • Vaginpire
  • Emu
  • crisps

Dorris, The Vaginpire

What's moar hilarious about this character is that she thinks that she is actually a dark, mysterious vampire who is married to the Handsome Edward Cullen. She is apparently not aware that Sparklebutt is a fictional, and let me stress FICTIONAL character. This is common in the more batshit crazy fantards of the series, but Dorris fails to even stick with the warped "vampire lore" that Stephanie Meyer had removed from her rectum.

She tells us that she can't have proof of her being a Sparklepire because she can't take photos of herself, even when that is dis-proven epicly by her posting photos of herself on her DA. Even if she hadn't, it is mentioned nowhere in the books that vampires don't have reflections.

She still insists that she is a creature of the night, though that itself is debatable because Smeyerpire's are nothing more than a bunch of teddy bears that sparkle.

Her Reactions To This Article

The author informed Darkass of her new lolcow status, and thus even moar lulz occured. Honestly though, it is rather surprising that Dorris could even read all the way through this article at all. She exploded into an inferno of butthurt and fail that is to be expected of this retard. When informed of its existence, she quickly went to the author of this article's journal to flame and threaten to sexually assault her. This failed, however, and has been screencapped for the lulz. Live coverage is still going on, so be sure to stay tuned for moar lulz on the way!


See Also

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