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George "W" Bush, also known as Dubya, George Derp-a-you, and the American Idiot, was the first Ass to Mouth conservative leader of the not so free world (unfortunately) at least 100 years ago until the job was outsourced to a Kenyan illegal immigrant named Barack Obama. Before becoming the most fail President in history (at least until, arguably, Hussein 0bongo from the Congo), he ran a shitty failure of an oil company, was the owner of the Texas Rangers, a shitty failure of a baseball team, and was Chief Executioner for the State of Texas, land of Jesus freaks and Mexicans.
He is the Republican version of Jimmy Carter minus the good intentions and awesome alcoholic brother. Behind the mask of stupidity, W is secretly one of the most brilliant men to ever exist. Disagreeing with this statement means that you are a terrorist, hate America, and forgot Poland. In addition, anyone who thought W. was retarded automatically voted for Barack Obama. It has been outlawed by W. supporters to dislike both W. and Obama. If you don't like Bush, according to Sean Hannity, you are a commie, hippie, socialist, and a faggot.
During his life he managed to dodge the Vietnam war, rig presidential elections, not once, but twice (which says a lot about the stupidity of the average Americunt), pass all the laws he ever wanted to pass (making him the first real dictator of the USA), while making himself, his family and all of his friends very rich by starting two wars. Some argue that W is the greatest president evar for his epic lulz and for making Europe, Britain, NATO, various parts of Mexican, and most of the Middle East his personal bitches. W has caused more butthurt to the world than any other troll IRL, leading to the theory that he is actually the physical incarnation of Trolldin on Earth. He also possesses the remarkable ability to dodge any and all objects thrown at him.
The Tale of Fail
Dubya was raised in New Haven, Connecticut, the granddaughter of Senator Prescott Bush, who made a fortune doing business with the German government at a controversial time when most other businessmen refrained from doing so, for some mysterious reason. Dubya's father, also named President Bush, was the Director of the CIA before becoming President. One day, he moved his growing family to Texas where they somehow picked up Texan accents. (Later, President Bush's brother Jeb insisted that he had been raised in Florida, not Texas.)
In her teenage years, young Dubya spent many happy summer days fellating Bin Laden boys, old family friends. BBQs, tennis, golf, jet-ski, all the usual down-home recreational activities of a Texas country girl. Dubya and young Osama - "Sammy" - were especially close. They used to organize the most amazing midnight circle-jerks, really the talk of the town! As they grew older, Dubya and Sammy would have little contests: Who could snort the longest line of coke in one go? Invariably, Dubya was the winnar.
Eventually, the good times must end - or must they? Dubya was about to get drafted for the Vietnam War. His family connections, however, easily got him a place in the "Texas Air National Guard," a non-existent fighting squadron based at a beautiful lake in the Texas countryside. Her primary responsibilities included "more of the same": Rest & recreation, a-whiffin' and a-chuggin'! This went on for several years, and Dubya was awarded numerous medals for bravery (for example, for doing a belly flop, on purpose, from the high diving board - hilarious!).
After the war, Dubya's parents decided that it was time for her to go to the slave camp. Arriving at Yale slave camp for niggers, she quickly became the most laughed at , ugly faggot of the trendy DKE fraternity, and as a member of the "Skull & Bones" secret society. Along with new best-buddies John Kerry (later MassaJEWsetts Senator) and George Pataki (later Jew York Governor), Dubya really let it all hang out. She even appeared in some sketches on the popular "Laugh-In" TV program, and marched in the first "Stonewall" Gay Pride march. Unfortunately, however, like most fags of that era, she had to have nasal re-section surgery to repair cartilage obliterated by many years of cocaine. His doctors solemnly advised her that if she kept on doing those white lines, then one day it could kill her. They recommended that she switch to huffin' gold spray paint. Dubya took them up on this advice, and has nevar once looked back.
As she grew into the prime of womanhood, Dubya felt a little bit bored of all the partying. Everyone kept telling her, "Dubya, you really should be President some day! We can totally hook you up!" All she needed to do was try a little harder to present herself "in drag" as a hard-workin', God-fearin' Texas girl; Sure, it's OK to have a beer or two after a hard day's work in the oil rigs, but this every-day sex & drugs-on-a-bender business on the party circuit has got to go. Also, she needed to get herself a wife so that everything looked normal and straight.
It was hard, mighty hard, durned hard, plumb hard, but Dubya practicized almost every day. She finally learned how to read. She memorized the names of a few important countries. She memorized the names of a few important U.S. states. One day, she was finally able to memorize the slogans that she was writing at least 100 times a day on the blackboard - the slogans that would put her in complete control! "Compassionate Conservative," and "I'm a uniter, not a divider!" Of course all sons of CIA agents are compassionate. They're real compassionate when they kill or torture you.
By the Fall of 2000, Dubya was in a tight race against an animatronic mannequin called Algore. Under completely legitimate circumstances, Dubya managed to collect enough Pokemon from the electoral college and she won! At last, she was President. At last, she could spread his passionate conservative juices all over the whole wide world! Soon, the goddamn kikes did WTC, and Dubya's place in history as America's most fail president was assured.
Her brightest moment came in 2001, when some towelheads who were hopped up on Allah, a common intoxicant in Third World shitholes, became the object of her ire for reasons that are lost to history. W led a coalition comprised of every country in the world that mattered into battle against the sand-niggers, who were too busy repressing their own society's women to actually fight back. Along the way, several influential Jews in France and Germany became upset because Tony Blair was monopolizing W's cock, and they filed a protest in the United Nations. Because Dubya is retarded, he interpreted this action as a sign that he should invade Iraq. During the ensuing war, over 9,000 Iraqis died, but this death toll is disputed by the US on the grounds that the Iraqis aren't human. Simultaneously, there was some kind of lame Convention in Geneva, but American soldiers were not invited to attend.
It should be noted that Dubya got most of what she wanted from the Australians and Canadians around that time, but she forgot to thank them because she was focused on slurping the balls of more important countries.
In February of 2008, W signed the Economic Stimulus Act ($186 billion) which gave incentives and rebates to taxpayers and small businesses. To us Joe Sixpacks, that's $600 for every single loser, and $1,200 for every miserable married couple, plus $300 for any little shits they've squatted out. What this actually did in less than six months, is skullfuck the economy even further so that now the Amerifag taxpayer has to pay for the $700bn bailout caused by too many niggerloans. HECKUVAJERB
When George W. Bush left the office:
- He had nearly doubled the national debt ($5.9T to $9.8T)
- 750,000 people PER MONTH were losing their jobs
- The stock market was crashing
- The bond market was going nuts
- Home prices were nose-diving
- Oil had just shot to $150/barrel
- Commodity prices in general had just went parabolic
- American banks were going insolvent
- The US was going full throttle toward another Great Depression
- The entire financial system was imploding
- He the USA to war with a country that wasn't responsible for 9/11
- He completely lied about Weapons of Mass Destruction
- He raised the debt ceiling 7 times
- He supported torture
His "Regime Change" on The English Language
W is a known as a great orator and is renowned for his extensive vocabulary skillz. Since taking office he has recommended the following changes to the English language:
- "internet" is now "internets"
- "nuclear" is now "nukular"
- "subliminal" is now "subliminable"
- "french" is now "freedom"
- "underestimate" is now "misunderestimate"
- "terror" is now "t'rrir" and/ or "terra" or "t'rrrr'r"
- "terrorism" is now "terism"
- "terrorist" is now "turrist", pronounced like "tourist", which is very lulzy indeed.
- "America" is now "Merica" or "Murka"
- "Islam is now "The Axis of Evil"
- "dissemble" is now "disassemble"
- "ballistic missile" is now "ballisel missel"
- The Gulf Coast is now "This area of the world"
- "Pakistani" is now "Paki"
- Google is now "teh google"
- Individuals of Middle Eastern descent are now "Turbie Tops"
- "New Orleans" is now "gone"
- "Jews" are now "human beings".
- "The bitch in the kitchen who's s'posed to make my sammich" is now a "Woman"
Dubya's "Mistalks" and Other Bullshit
Quotes from W Supporters
Anecdotes and Family life
- When asked why they voted for Bush, At least 100 people claimed innocence, stating "I did it for the lulz." They then got fooled again.
- In 1963, Laura Bush ran a stop sign & killed her boyfriend, lulz.
- The couple have two awesome daughters, Jenna and Barbara, that are trying to make it bigtime in Hooters. Well-known for their club-wrecking hijinks, the pair employ Secret Service agents as their personal chauffeurs and bouncers.
- When recently asked how she would like to change the world, Jenna remarked she would permanently remove the letters L, S, and Q from the alphabet.
- During his latest visit to Europe, W was given a heroine's welcome in Albania. This is not much of a mystery, as Albania is further down the scale than Serbia, Italy or even Greece... In other words, it's a bloody shithole.
- One of Dubya's daughters plans to vote Democrat.
- Dubya believes in the death penalty but is against abortions. WTF is up with that shit?
As a Trolling Technique
On the other hand, George W. Bush's epic failure can be used to generate at least 1.21 gigalulz of comedy at the expense of all of the bandwagon politic 16 year old girls on the Internet who write, "OMG BUSH IS HITLOR!!!!!!". The good thing is that using Bush to troll is not very difficult to do: her administration has pissed so many people off that the net is ripe with communities just waiting for you to join and talk about how much she's benefited the American people and the world as a whole. Don't forget to tell everyone how George saved us from the terrorists, mention 9/11 over 9,000 times (lol Giuliani), and let them know how excited you are that Bush has decided to run for re-election again in 2008. Because for all you, they, or the rest of the world knows about the American Constitution, it could be true.
Whenever W is making a TL;DW speech, have some fun by drinking a shot of your choice of alcohol every time she says one of the following words:
Sandalgate: The shoe heard round the world
In December 2008, George W. Bush was almost Abraham Lincolned, by an Iraqi John Wilkes Booth.
W paid an unannounced last visit to his favourite Club Med in Baghdad. After trolling the troops he'd sent to Arab Hell, he took meetings with his puppet government in the heavily fortified and totally safe Green Zone and decided to have a press conference with the Iraqi president, Ali Baba.
As he stood at the podium being his usual smugfag self, patting himself on the back for a job well done, one of the thoroughly vetted, professional reporters for the Iraqi media stood up and lobbed two shoe grenades he'd cunningly snuck through security at Bush's head, whilst calling him "a dog".
—Iraqi shot putter.
Although the shoe bombs failed to explode he was still completely pwnt -despite being spared from über-pwnage by his lightning quick reflexes- as both shoe throwing and being called a dog are the ultimate insult in Arab cultures, and a fitting closing argument for his claims on the title: LULZIEST PRESIDENT EVAR.
George Mudkip Bush
The Many Faces of W
- Bill Clinton - Predecessor
- Barack Obama - Successor
- Donald Trump - Successor to Obeezy
- Jeb Bush - his hispanic brother.
- Dan Quayle - Intellectual soul-mate
- Dick Cheney - Bush's Dominatrix.
- Downing Street Memo
- George Bush doesn't care about black people
- Heather Lind His daddy grabbed her ass
- John McCain Was to be next of kin but was stolen by the black man
- Kanye West
- Karl Rove
- Osama bin Laden - BFF
- W'S DESKTOP LOL
- George Bush Hates Furries
- Bush is the Antichrist! Lulz follow.
- Tribute page chock full of lulz
- W Joeks
- Dubya is my friend
- That's My Bush!
- An Amatuer band sings "The idiot son of an asshole".
- Dictatorship Speech!
- Jesus Camp worships George W Bush
- Send W a goodbye card
- 525 reasons to h8 George W Bush
- Bush lieks his IPod
is part of a series on
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Pissing Off the Almighty [+]
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Terrorist Groups, Beliefs and Causes
ATHF Terrorist Attack • Ariana Grande Massacre • Beheading videos • Binghampton Tet Offensive • BLMKidnapping • Boston Marathon Bombing • Breitscheidplatz • Columbine • Dallas Sniper Attacks • Delaware State University Shooting • Gaza War • Khalid Masood's Westminster motor massacre • London Bridge Attack 2017 • Mass Shooting • Narcovideos • Nice Truck Attack 16 • Nitroglycerin • Occupy Wall Street • Oklahoma City Bombing • Paris Mass Shooting • Pulse Nightclub Massacre • Police Brutality • Ramadan Van Man • VTech • Waco • WTC
|Featured article January 19, 2009|