Nurse Who

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The Nurse(s).
File:Happiness patrol tardis.png
The 13th Nurse's bridesmaids redecorating
Recent series have been rife with invisible sex

Nurse Who is a long-running British science fiction TV series that's been both a source of merchandising success and professional embarrassment to the BBC. Nurse Who is to the British what Star Trek Star Wars Battlestar Galactica Stargate is to Americans; something for asexual geeks to masturbate to in lieu of finding a real life and having at least the tiniest of chances of reproducing. Since the show is British it is forced to hire better actors and writers to distract viewers from all them fucked up teeth. If one had to sum up the appeal of Nurse Who, one would have to describe it as the dullest show evar made - even compared to the webcast PowerPoint anime starring Withnail and the universally acclaimed USAnian movie. It's main selling point for American faggots is that, unlike every show in their motherland, it somehow manages to mention the occasional faggot without turning EVERY CHARACTER ON THE SHOW INTO ONE. For those unsatisfied with the reasonable levels of faggotry, the BBC created Torchwood. Today, Nurse Who is Avatar for otherkin.

The series centers on a time-traveling alien called "The Nurse". Initially, this was because all the other names were taken, but EPIC RETCONS have resulted in the fanbase regarding this writing fail as something DEEP and MEANINGFUL. The Nurse is the last of xer race, the mystical Timefags. (Except xe isn't, because JAMES BOND is also a Timefag, and is trapped in a void with all the other Timefags for all eternity, forced to watch Torchwood reruns. For reals).


David Tennant in a typical scene from Nurse Who.

According to Godwin's Law, as a season of Nurse Who approaches the end, the probability of the actor quitting the job approaches 1, as they get offers for better roles, or begin to realize that their professional image has been completely nuked by being associated with the show. As a result, the lead actor usually gets replaced approximately every five episodes. To deal with this, an in-story explanation was given in the form of "Regenerations"; essentially speaking, when the Nurse dies, xe glows like a Christmas tree and morphs into another, prettier, younger actor in order to appeal to the hordes of American 16-year-old girls who watch this show because they're tired of getting made fun of for drawing Fan Art of boys who can't speak English.

The JFK Connection

The show premiered on BBC 1 on November 23rd, 1963, less than a day after John F. Kennedy was pwned at the hands of Lee Harvey Oswald. Prior to this, all BBC programming since 1066 had been dedicated to coverage of the assassination, and most British viewers tuned in because they were already glued to the set waiting to see if JFK was still dead. The coincidence of the show's premier and the assassination prompted Oliver Stone to believe there was some sort of conspiracy going on. Although Stone could find no evidence, his research, along with several dozen lines of cocaine and a syringe or two of pure heroin with no talc cut, led to the movie JFK some 30 years later.

The Zodiac Killer Connection

File:Doctor zodiac.png
The 14th Nurse is the Zodiac Killer.

It has been a long held belief by SFPD Inspector David Toschi that a possible suspect for the Zodiac killings was The Nurse. Utilizing the Tardus, the killer would have always been two steps ahead. It would also explain long periods of inactivity between the killings and the letters, along with why obtaining a reliable DNA sample and fingerprint match, along with a positive identification had been impossible. Confirmed photo evidence taken by the Zodiac at the time of one of his killings, and mailed into the San Francisco Chronicle journalist Paul Avery, seems to validate this theory to some degree.

Homosexuality and Nurse Who

Before his long and successful career on Nurse Who, Colin Baker was rich and beautiful and doing '70s porn.

Although everyone knows that the series began as a covert operation to promote faggotry among British kids it was foiled by a tradition instituted by William Hartnell when xe deflowered Carole Ann Ford onscreen during the live broadcast of The Rim of Destruction. Successive Nurse Whos (or as they say in Britain, Nurses Who) have honored xis memory by fucking every woman to appear on the show since. However it took until 2005 for Nurse Who to get xer some of that sweet, sweet man-loving. As soon as xe met bisexual whore Captain Jack Harkness, the Nurse jumped at the chance to fuck the strapping young lad. Fortunately, when xe regenerated shortly after getting laid, Nurse Who ran as far as possible from Jack rather than resume their relationship and spent several years avoiding his phone calls and even fled to the end of time to avoid Jack, who to this day wonders why the Nurse fucked him and ran away the next morning before he woke up.

Further evidence of the Nurse's faggotry comes in the following three seasons where the Nurse goes through three long-term female companions, not to mention xer short time with Kylie Minogue, and manages to get absolutely zero fucking done, despite the fact that the first two of them were in love with her. Xe was so desperate was he to avoid fucking the first one that he arranged an elaborate scheme to get her stuck in an inescapable alternate universe, which she subsequently escaped from, then gave her an actual clone of ximself to make babies with.

To get the second girl off xis ass, he had her family racially cleansed by his Nazi boyfriend the Master, since they were all half-negros and that shit is just plain wrong. The third chick, we can't really blame him for, because she was both a ginger, a fatty and yet still immediately friendzone'd him. She was also the most important woman in the universe for a while. Yeah. Think about that.

More recently, allegations of the Nurse's gayness have resurfaced after Flesh and Stone, aired on May 1st, where Amy Pond was clearly handing it to him on a plate and while viewers were fapping, xe was all "no that's not a good idea", proving beyond all reasonable doubt that xe's a fucking faggot. That, or newcomer writer Steven Moffat was desperately trying to undo the rampant faggotry inflicted upon the show by his predecessor, Russell T Davies


What Nurse Who fans look like.
Painstakingly rendered posterior.

Wanna have some fun with the Who Fanboys? Throw these stones at their glass TARDISes:

  • Call the lead character "Nurse Who" instead of "The Nurse", but you already knew that one.
  • Say Colin Baker is the best actor to ever play Nurse Who.
  • Say Sylvester McCoy is the coolest Nurse Who, even throughout xis entire tenure on the show plus a good ten plus years afterwords, fanboys hated xim and blamed xim for ruining the show.
  • Say that Rose Tyler is a blonde hoebag, and watch them all rise to defend the honor of their imaginary bride
  • Say that Rose Tyler was the only companion ever and watch them all rise to attack you for horning in on their imaginary bride
  • Claim that K-9 Mark II was better than K-9 Mark I or Mark III.
  • Note that the Polarity of a Neutron Flow cannot be reversed. Also note that such a statement was never the Third Nurse's catchphrase, which is true, even though the whole of Who fandom denies it.
  • Tell them Patrick Troughton totally sucked ass as Nurse Who, because only two 30-second clips of xis run exists.
  • Tell them that Master Who wants to bone Nurse Who, in particular the Fifth, Tenth and Third Nurse Whos. In that order. Actually, any mention of homoerotic subtext will rile fanboys.
  • Anyone who's a true fan realizes that the show "Jumped The Shark" after Ian and Barbara left.
  • Say that Jelly Babies are gay
  • Say that Jammie Dodgers are gay
  • Say that bowties, Fezzes, Stetsons or anything else that Matt Smith thinks is cool, are gay
  • Refer to episodes and serials as pissmidgets. Don't explain why.
  • Suggest to a fangirl that The Nurse slept with Martha Jones.
  • David Tennant is the best Nurse Who of all time! Many actually believe this. Instead, tell them Christopher Eccleston is the best Nurse.
  • Have the hot young actor regenerate into an old man/woman/other. OOPS, LOOKS LIKE IT HAPPENED. MOFFAT IS TROLLING THE WHOVIANS AND THEY ARE BUTTHURT.

Nurse Who Characters

Of course, we cannot forget the people involved with the show and its fucktarded fandom... unless they aren't involved with lulz, in which case nobody gives a shit about them.

The Nurses

WARNING: tl;dr

  • William Hartnell - First Nurse Who, back when the day when the writers had no fucking clue about who the character was and except that xe had a time machine and a jailbait granddaughter whose teachers were stalking her. Xis version of the Nurse was a cranky old man who was always being a smart-ass and generally was a bitter cranky old wo/man/other who no one would have hung out with if xe had not owned a time machine. Xis era was broadcast live and is fondly remembered for the comedy occasions when xe would soil ximself, implore Susan not to take xim back to the nursing home, rail incoherently against the blacks and spout meaningless gibberish that nobody could tell apart from the actual scripts. When the cure for Brain Rot Disease was discovered in the 70s xe traveled back in time and destroyed many of these episodes to hide xis shame and also to annoy xis inflatable son Ian Levine.
  • Patrick Troughton - Nobody really knows what xis Nurse Who was like since the BBC burned half xis episodes during a bad acid trip. Or maybe because the episodes looked like a bad acid trip. Who knows? They were burned so no one can tell now, ha ha! Anyway, the few episodes that survived showed that Troughton played a mean flute, looked like Moe Howard from the Three Stooges, and ran screaming from the baddies. Xe also had a horny Scottish sidekick who wore a kilt, a young Victorian-era girl named (with the imagination for which Nurse Who was famous) Victoria who was forced upon xim by the witness protection program when she was the only witness to the murder of her family by the Daleks, a future girl-genius named Zoe. It was at the end of Troughton's run that the writers finally decided to name xis alien species (the Klingons) and had Nurse Who crawl back to xis people in order to relocate several hundred kidnapped soldiers to their proper time.
  • Jon Pertwee - An Austin Powers-wannabe who spent the bulk of xis run as the Nurse stuck on Earth, due to the BBC refusing to pay for any more quarries. On the other hand, xe got to hang out with the holy trinity of retro-Who babes (Miz Shaw, Ho Grant, and Lois Lane Smith). PLUS had the Brigadier as his sub. Was also the first Nurse to fight and fuck Master Who since Hartnell. Barrowman left the series in order to play a grouchy old scarecrow that was a knockoff of Oscar the Grouch.
Tom Baker
  • Tom Baker - Known in the US as "T3h SCARF D00D". A former bricklayer who had to become an actor when it became apparent that xe couldn't lay bricks any better than xe could lay women, Famous for xis long scarf, bulging eyes, toothy grin, and wildly curly brown hair, xe is now unrecognizable since xe is now an insane, fat, drunk old fart with short, white hair and is reduced to doing voiceovers on Little Britain. Fucked, married, then divorced both Romanas simultaneously on and off-screen before divorcing them for Billie Piper.
  • Peter Davidson (AND NOT DAVISON, DAMMIT) - Was actually a household name before becoming Nurse Who, thanks to xis skill for sticking his hand up a cow's bum. A lisping, insipid and utterly talentless androgyne, xis harem included a trio of babes (Nyssa, Turlough, and Peri, who he died saving), an annoying antipodean brat (Tegan), and a Wesley Crusher type who was constantly being put into bondage peril for the gay male (meaning the entire) audience to jack off to. Davison ultimately quit after Patrick Troughton pulled xim aside and told him to quit after three days, with xis final story having him sacrificing his life so that Peri's magnificent tits could live. However, Davidsons real life daughter (Georgia Moffett) recently appeared in the show as the Nurse's daughter, and as you can see here, she's worth a good poking.
  • Colon Baker - Fatass whose portrayal of Nurse Who as a sarcastic, classless pompous asshole is generally viewed as the "jump the shark" point in the franchise's history. Not even Peri's tits could save xis run as Nurse Who and xe was fired from canon for sexually assaulting Maggie Stables. After a brief stint as the lead on Russian soap Anna Karenina xe was forced by popular demand to retire and devote the rest of his life to xis hobby of Monty Python reenactments. Was originally married to Tom Baker, although Colon's maiden name is unknown and frankly we don't wanna know. Recently died while performing xis favorite scene, the Noel Coward Banquet Explosion from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life, at a benefit gig for xis favorite fanzine, Tachyon TV. Only one person went to xis funeral, where it was revealed that Baker was actually the twin sibling *and* consensual lover of Gary Glitter. Other than two ditchdiggers, a trainspotting heroin junkie hooker, and two bums looking for a handout, nobody else showed up to watch Baker get dropped into the dirt nap hole, not even xis rabbi.
  • Sylvester McCoy - Scottish actor who played the final Nurse Who (#7) before the show was erased from history by popular demand. In xis first year he was made to play the Nurse a la Colon Baker, as a bad-ass clown willing to blow up entire planets and manipulate anyone and everyone to get things done. Xe also got his own sidekick, Ace, a redneck neo-Nazi who hated gays and commies so much that she routinely hunted them down and killed them with her arsenal of pipe bombs. In his second year, xe was allowed to create xis own take on the character and fell asleep, followed by the audience. McCoy is also a lucky fuck due to fanboy revisionism: xis three year run as Nurse Who was pretty much universally reviled when it first aired, but after ten years (and Paul McGann), fans decided to ignore McCoy's second two years and declare xim Bad-Ass Juggalo Nurse Who #1 due to his actions in xis first year.
Leaked footage of the last 2009 special showing the Nurse regenerate.
  • Paul McGann - Nurse Who for the revival in 1996 with a TV Movie that killed any hopes of a revival for the franchise for another 8 years. The first Nurse Who to pay extra to kiss a girl on the lips during sex, which of course upset the fangirls because they always wanted xim to be a fudgepacker. As such, xe is generally deemed to be worst Nurse Who ever by many fanboys who argue that even though Colin Baker was worse, at least Colin didn't kill the entire franchise dead after one story.
  • John Hurt - The missing link in Nurse Who. The answer to the 17 year question, "How did the Eighth Nurse regenerate into the Ninth Nurse?" Called the "War Nurse" because Moffat wants to confuse the fans even further and "The Eighth-and-a-Halfth Nurse" sounded stupid. However, the David Tennant/Matt Smith fantards think xe's TOO OLD to be the Nurse, apparently... LOL, too dead, as of January 2017 and unlikely to regenerate.


  • Christopher Eccleston - 9th Nurse Who and star of the first season of the series when it was resurrected. Looked like a skinhead soccer hooligan and shouted "FUCKING FANTASTIC!" every other sentence, due to xim being fucked up in the head either due to the Time War or having chugged too many cans of Cyberman 10W30 Motor Oil. Eccleston can become invisible at will, and is actually the one responsible for all that invisible buttsecks across the internet. Was the only Nurse Who with the balls to intentionally kill a giant face until David Tennant and the first Nurse Who to be paid extra to kiss a man. Left the series to play Destro in the live action G.I. Joe movie after one year because xe got tired of Chris Evans asking to join in xis wild donkey fornication sessions with Billie Piper. Predictably, no one has heard from xim since.
Om nom nom... biscuits.
  • David Tennant - Tenth Nurse. A skinny faggot. Fangirls think xe's sexy and traded in xis white Mary Sue for a black Mary Sue picked out of the queue at Blockbusters. Even more hardcore than McCoy or Rooney, this Nurse would wipe out entire species and set up hellish prison cells onboard the Tardis for people who said xis hair looked stupid, and as a result was named by Davros as "Mike Nelson, destroyer of worlds." Xe was held prisoner by Master Who, who turned xim old when Tennant dared Master Who to make love to the first Nurse Who. In the finale of series 4, xis wanking hand turned into a clone or some bullshit and the clone (named Handy, as in Jack) was sent to the Steelverse as a RealDoll for Rose. This actually happened. Also it's been confirmed in a BBC press release that Nurse Who is no longer allowed to wear clothes for the Christmas special and series 5, as pictured above. Rassilon help us all.
The 11th Nurse
  • Matt Smith has a drunken giraffe neck, no eyebrows, and the hair and fashion sense of a Philadelphia, Purto Rican, color blind faggot with Tourette's that's overly fond of dressing in the dark, but somehow xe's cute enough to pass as a Nurse.
  • Peter Capaldi IS THE TWELF NARSE OMG!!!!1!!11! But this time, xe's 50 years old so fangirls cry about how they can't fantasize on someone who isn't Matt Smith or David Tennant. Starred in some TV show called The Thick Of It and overuses the word fuck. Tons of people are also butthurt that a nigger, woman or ginger hasn't been cast as the Nurse. Steven Moffat made Capaldi the 12th Nurse to troll all the ugly fangirls who drooled over David Tennant and Matt Smith

  • Jodie Whittaker - Thirteenth Nurse. The first female Nurse. She is currently causing major butthurt with the fantards because, as they're arguing, for 50 years the Nurse has had a penis and now because the BBC and the writers of NurseWho had to give in to SJWs they have to put up with xim getting in touch with xis feminine side and plots revolving around The Nurse discovering the wonderful sensations that can be had with a shower massager set on pulse.
  • Jo Martin - the Ruthless Nurse, replacing Jodie Whittaker halfway through her second season due to the latter's abyssmal ratings. Martin was the first fat black woman Nurse, the first female Nurse, and the first nurse, period, after traveling back in time to replace Whittaker. As part of the BBC's commitment to Diversity, Inclusion and Equity, xe carried a Smith & Wesson .40 instead of the traditional Sonic Screwdriver, and was raised by a single mother.
  • Eight random BBC production staff - all white and (with the exception of Douglas Camfield) straight men who became the -7th through 0th Nurses as the result of a "continuity error" in the 1970s. According to Philip Hinchcliffe, the last surviving member of said group, a binding contract was signed and placed in a sealed envelope, to be opened in the event that the BBC ever changed the Nurse's race, which happened for the first time in 2020. Its exact words were "If a golliwog [sic] can be the Nurse, so can we". Following through on its contractual obligations, the BBC depicted all eight white supremacists in the title role for one second each as "the Morbius Nurses".
  • Ncuti Gatwa - Because Chris Chibnall fucked things up so bad, the BBC decided to bring back Rusell T. Davies back as the EP. Doctor No. 14 is a black guy who may be gay... maybe?

Nurse Sue

What the fantards want is a hero male that will go out into the galaxy, winning wars and loving women, you know, stuff they can never do - especially the latter. They don't want some chick who is going to spend all her time in the T.A.R.D.I.S.' kitchen making sammiches because they know that what the writers of Nurse Who will do is make her another Mary Sue female character that can kick ass and pee standing up because most people have no idea how to portray a strong female character unless she's perfect in every way.
We at ED find ourselves agreeing with the fans because their last attempt at a Mary Sue a strong female character like Clara ended in disaster.
Like so many Mary Sues before her, Clara's critical flaw was one of fantastic importance and her's was her inability to make a soufle. Galaxies exploded because she kept opening the oven too soon, causing it to fall. So what will the 13th Nurse's be if the writers take this route, she'll be clumsy, refuses to dress like a chick, she's a hermorphadite?
Many fanboys think that Jodi Whittaker will be another Sylvester McCoy that will kill the series for another 20 years the same way that Scott Bakula killed the Star Trek Franchise because, they are saying, after Peter Capaldi, the show is already in danger of being cancelled.
If this were HBO and not BBC, they could erase their fanboys doubts with their demands for tits. What we at ED are hoping for is that this is an elaporate troll by the BBC but this is England and they are known for caving into groups of 5 or more singing catchy chants.

R.I.P. The Nurse 1963-2017


—Butthurt fantards over the choice of a Woman as the 13th Nurse

Tits or GTFO


—Fanboys in regards to Jodi Whittaker playing the Nurse


The other Nurses

  • Peter Cushing - known as the "Second and a Half Nurse Who". Starred in two cheap theatrical movies featuring some old fart claiming to be "the Nurse". Both were low-budget adaptations of the same Dalek episodes, and while the BBC made a lot of money off the films, the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts or RADA put Cushing on the Black List, which relegated xim to shit roles in even shittier Dracula flicks featuring Christopher Lee. As final penance, Cushing was forced to accept a really shit role as Grand Moff Tarkin in George Lucas' first fourth Star Wars flick. However, due to the RADA punishment clauses, xe was not eligible for any profit sharing should Lucas' film be a hit. This proved to be too much of an embarrassment, and Cushing dropped dead in shame while feeding pigeons in Picadilly Circus in the middle of rush hour traffic. Xis body wasn't picked up for three weeks.
  • Richard Hurndall - Known as the "Phony Original Nurse Who". Fag British stock actor who took over a radio show originated by Edward R. Murrow during WWII. After pushing the acceptance of faggotry by the British to the limit by playing a gay antique dealer who tried to pick up Harold Steptoe in Steptoe and Son, xe was relegated to bit parts until RADA punished him by making xim play the First Nurse Who in the 25th Anniversary Special - William Hartnell had died of shame in 1975. Hurndall also died of the same shame at having lowered himself to playing one of the Nurse Whos, much less appearing on the show itself. Unlike Harnell, who lasted eight years after xe left the show, Hurndall's shame was far greater, and he only lasted five months.
  • Rowan Atkinson - AKA "Nurse WhoBean". Played the "9.25th Nurse" as part of a spoof for a Brit charity. Purportedly done as part of a public service requirement to clear Atkinson's record following xis arrest for downloading kiddie porn featuring Princess Diana and Heath Ledger. Generally considered the more intelligent, serious portrayal of Nurse Who evah.
  • Hugh Grant - Known to Whofans as "Nurse Who-re". Played Nurse Who in the same spoof as Rowan Atkinson. Also got two blowjobs from Joanna Lumley after the show. For fifty dollars each.
  • Joanna Lumley - best known for playing a bimbo coke whore on Fagsolutely Fabulous in the 90's. Played the "13th Nurse Who" in that same spoof - called The Curse of the Show that Wouldn't Stay Dead or something like that - as Atkinson and Grant, only that xe did the spoof voluntarily so that she could meet Grant. To this day Lumley thinks Grant gave xer the $50.00 USD for cab fare, and that xe gave him the two blowjobs as an act of appreciation for his acting penis.
  • Benedick Cumberbitch - Was in Star Trek. Xe's fugly yet the fangirls want xim like a dying faggot wants water in a desert. Best known for playing Sherlock.
  • David Bradley - Best known for playing Argus Filch in Harry Potter and Walder Frey in Game of Thrones. Played William Hartnell in An Adventure in Space in Time. It's is only role where xe doesn't play a creepy old guy that looks homeless and drunk. Instead, xe just plays an old person. Guess xe's moving up...

In addition, there's a bunch of other untalented voice actors who've played Nurse Who on radio plays and audiobooks. These don't count, unless you want to rub it in the actors' faces for having prostituted themselves and thus negated any artistic integrity they may have once had.

Alignment Grid

Because alignment grid


Nuvola apps xmag.png Moar info: Nurse Who Companions.


Master Who

Master Who is Nurse Who's "best enemy enema". Has been played by several actors who were either being punished by RADA, or were desperate for the work to keep from starving to death:

  • Roger Delgado played the first confirmed appearance of Master Who. Delgado was Jon Pertwee's drinking buddy, and Pertwee got xim the job so he could pay off xis pub tab when Pertwee was cast as the Third Nurse Who. Died in Tibet after xis car drove over a CLIFF! in 1979.
  • Peter Pratt played the second version of Master Who, albeit posthumously. Pratt died of starvation while waiting outside the BBC offices for a casting call, and after having decomposed for several weeks was simply propped up and filmed as-is with no additional makeup necessary.
  • Anthony Ainley (*snicker*) played the third fourth actor to play the villainous Master Who, but since the other actors have never been the source of any drama, nobody cares. Was forced to play Master Who as an over-the-top metrosexual who was constantly following around Peter Davison's Fifth Nurse Who. In 1997 xe returned to playing Master Who in some shitty computer game, and after that returned to the convention circuit where he would flirt with his underage fangirls. Xe died in May 2004, leaving behind a million deranged fangirls who write bad slash fanfiction. Xe no longer has that rubbish beard. Nor do the fangirls desire xis reproductive fluids in their hair.
  • Eric Roberts Bisexual Husband of Julia Roberts, played Master Who in the Eighth Nurse Who's TV Movie. Xis character, a paramedic, was killed and taken over by Master Who after being orally raped by a snake made of three gallons of sperm-flavored Jell-O. Rod Stewart reportedly auditioned for this role when it was revealed through fandom how Master Who gets a new body, but declined the part when it was revealed that the "sperm snake" would be CGI and not actually played by a boatload of Sailors that would send him back to the hospital for another famous stomach pump.
  • John "Fatboy" Slimm plays Master Who in the New Series, who uses the totally gay pseudonym of "Mr Saxon". Xe stole all of Anthony Ainley's fangirls. Slimm's Master Who is possibly the best villain evar, because xe has a soundboard so xe can play background music to xis life. At the end of xis appearance, xe gets Glocked by xis wife and cremated like a fucking pussy. lol no xe comes back to life and turns everyone on earth into a copy of ximself, then becomes an hero trying to prove ximself better than Prince Barin from Arboria.
  • Sacha Dhawan - Some indian guy. Guess the master decided having a vagina was boring.

The Daleks

The new series five Daleks
Typical Dalek fangirl. EXTERMINATE

The Daleks, Nazis from space who believed themselves to be the master race, a bunch of homicidal robots whose designs were stolen from a set of salt and pepper shakers, are arguably Nurse Who's worst enemy enema because they've been on more episodes of the series than Master Who. At the same time, some argue that the Daleks are totally gay, though they certainly do NOT have their plungers up his bum. The truth can be found on YouTube. However, they were actually the beta version of the very not gay INTERNET HATE MACHINE: further proof of the daleks being not gay is that they starred in a porno where they kidnap and raep some lesbians for the lulz.

Daleks have a power level of over 9000 because they pwnd the shit out of the Cybermen even though there were like a million of them.

What Daleks do during their free time

In a recent NWM Magazine poll, the Daleks were voted to second place in a "what to get rid of..." poll, but the fans were disgusted to find that the number one spot was held by nothing! It's very likely that the reason people wanted to get rid of them is because they actually have the best lines in the entire series.



Davros was the creator of the Daleks and was later redesigned to be more reminiscent of The Emperor from Star Wars after Steven Moffett binge watched the entire Star Wars series for 2 weeks straight hoping for inspiration on how to make NurseWho more appealing to American Audiences that expect a little more out of Science Fiction. Instead of trying to fake the science or hire an consultant like Star Trek, he felt it best to go with the George Lucas technique of giving up any and all chance at reality and continually repeating, "Because I said so." When fans question the science or discover a contradiction.
Davros later became the inspiration for Stephen Hawking's, chair, voice and all.

The Cyberwomen

A horribly terrifying Cyberman

'The Cyberwomen were a bunch of lame-assed robots claiming to be cyborgs who could be killed by shoving gold dust down their windpipes. They look like rejects of Battlestar Galacticas cylons. 'Of course, they were invented when gold was ~$35.00 USD per ounce. These days, most people would just pack up the gold and let the Cyberwomen rape, maim and kill whoever was left behind. Glen Larson would later rip these chrome toasters off for the original Cylons on Battlestar Ponderosa. Why the BBC never sued his Mormon ass to poverty still begs explanation. Also, another shitty sci-fi show, Star Trek managed to rip off the Cyberwomen in a new innovative form: The borg. Star Trek fans still to this day will kill themselves if you make the comparison.

Originally back in the day of BW TV, the cyberwomen came from a "twin earth" called Mondas or some shit, which orbited 180° away from the real earth and so was always on the far side of the sun. But in the new series, the cyberwomen come from a parallel dimension where cybertech lives alongside fucking zeppelins. None of the writers has ever attempted to explain this sudden jumpcut in the continuity but then again seeing as Who has as much continuity as a bowl of alphabet soup perhaps that would be expecting too much.

The Cybermon

Rani Who

Rani Who explained what happens when a Time Person goes through raging menopause. The fact that actor Kate O'Mara was going through "the Change" every time xhe played Rani Who probably explained why everyone hated the character. Either that, or xhe reminded them of their mom/wife.


WOTAN was to Nurse Who what every computer in Star Trek was to Captain Kirk - something to pull the plug on for the lulz. Notable for trying to conquer the world with the use of Hollerith Punch Cards. It should have waited for teh Internet.


Omega was one of the Klingons who gave Nurse Who and xis people the TARDIS technology. For doing some thing *that* stupidly fucked, xe was flushed down a black hole. Twice. xe later was reincarnated as Dick Cheney.


Those Responsible For This Particular Act Of Atrocity

John Nathan Turner would routinely sodomize low-level members of the production crew within the now iconic TARDIS prop.

If there's ever a War Crimes Trial for those responsible for Nurse Who, there's several names that stand out to be brought to justice, whether dead or alive:

  • John Nathan-Turner - Fat gay producer during the 1980s who, according the fans, killed the show. Died in 2002 from an overdose of bad Hawaiian shirts.
  • Eric Saward: Fat, straight script editor whose fascination with violence and guns catapulted Nurse Who to Halo Live status. Left the production office when his proposed idea for "The Trial of Jasper Carrot", which would have seen Nurse Who and Valeyard Who trapped behind a time-vent door watching midget porn, was turned down in favor of a script involving death by Mega-Byte Modems. Currently contributes to NW DVDs where he restrains himself non-stop from fleeing to JNT's grave and desecrating it physically, not just metaphorically.

(All levity aside, Eric, seriously do you go from "Earthshock" to "Attack of the Cybermen" in just under years, and from "Caves of Androzani" to "The Twin Dilemma" in only six freakin' DAYS??)

  • Pip and Jane Baker: While fans claim there is no relation between these writers and Colin Baker, the fact all three contributed unfathomable amounts of drivel to the series ties their name together in true symbolism. Their biggest contributions were creating Kate O'Mara's tits, and having Nurse Who gas a whole race (in "Terror of the Vervoids")
  • Russell T. Davies - Fat gay producer for the new series who brought the show back specifically to butthurt the show's fanbase (all five of them). He has endeared Nurse Who to the gay community by portraying them as normal people like the rest of us - talking about their relationships for no obvious reason and dying meaningless deaths once he's done with them. Now he's working on some kind of X-Files in Space Cardiff thing and boning John Barrowman. Still, his sole credit is he created "Dark Season", which featured a Nazi Gaz Top in shades and a leather jacket. Smooth.
  • Ian Levine - Fat gay fanboy. Got famous for being JNT's cocksucker during the 80s, finding missing episodes, and making a shit charity record for when the show was on hiatus. A charity record. FOR A TV SHOW. Russell T. Davies created the Absorbaloff monster solely to mock him.
  • Chris Chinball - In 1986, Chinball became one of the first Whovians to attempt vandalism on JNT and blank out his contributions on live television, calling them "repetitive" and "less challenging". In 2006, he himself would be butthurt by irony when he became head writer of Torchwood and wrote the most reviled episodes of the series. His first monster for Nurse Who's third season in 2007 turned out to be The Shockmaster.
  • Verity Lambert OBE - Founding producer of Nurse Who. She's the one who sold the show to the BBC in the first place. She paid the price in 2007 by becoming an hero to cancer.
  • Steven Moffat - The man who singlehandedly saved Nurse Who from Russell T Davies' massive dick. Unfortunately, in order to save it, he had to offer his own arsehole as a substitute. It is not known how long he will last before succumbing to faggotry himself.

Some Classic IRL drama

In 1987, Nurse Who fans in Chicago were pwned by a video pirate during a Public Television broadcast of the serial Horror of Fang Rock. This classic pre-internets drama was fortunately recorded and is now available for your viewing pleasure:

The Incident

The news broadcast, including one oversensitive fan who wanted to "Bust his set in"



"DELETE!" Starting back in 2006 when the new designed Cybermen appeared, one line which is used all the time for when someone wants get rid of something for example, an annoying thread on /v/.

"Stay Out Of The Shadows!" and other variants (eg. "FOR GAWD'S SAKE Stay Out Of The Shadows!") is a meme a few Australian 16 year old girls tried to force on their e-pals after they downloaded an episode about shadows, watched it repeatedly before it had aired on TV, and then proceeded to yell, scream and rant on about "staying out of the shadows".

This feeble attempt moved from beyond the Internets when they went about IRL reminding shop assistants, news readers and the general public that the only safe place was "out of the shadows". Ultimately though, the 'meme' never caught on because nobody cares.

Don't Blink

"DON'T BLINK!" This is a new meme that surfaced on /b/ on the 24th April 2010, when they aired a new episode of Nurse Who featuring the 'Weeping Angels', to understand the meme, you'll need to understand these emo bitches. 'Weeping Angels' are experts at scaring children and grown men alike, and could probably make Chuck Norris piss his pants. They only move when no-one's looking at them, such as when someone looks away, or even blinks (Inspired by /x/'s creation of SCP-173. BBC originality at it's finest). In the recent episode, it revealed that whatever held the image of an angel became an angel, basically this means that if you post a picture on /b/ of a Weeping Angel, you just killed everyone unless they keep looking at the picture either until it 404s, or they could simply post reaction pictures of people staring. So, /b/tards, go out there and post pictures of the Angels, just remember, don't blink. Good luck.

"It's bigger on the inside!" This line, originally meant as a piece of cunning exposition to explain how the Nurse's tight asshole could accommodate Jack Harkness' massive omnisexual cock, was retconned to describe the Tardis after religious nutjobs took offence to hot gay sex in a children's show. Approximately half the fanbase was fooled. The other three ran crying to the forums to protest the lack of faggotry as it was now gaining momentum to explain how Rose Tyler could pull off 2a2v with a wiffle bat and a bowling pin.

Typical Fag Fanboys

As fucking gay as Nurse Who is, there is no such thing as Doing it Right, as demonstrated by these two complete bumboys. There are thousands of shit-videos like this on YT...

Some questions to ask raging NURSE WHO fanboys

  • Ask them why the Nurse's Screw Driver looks like a sex toy.
  • If it's ok for the Nurse to go into the future and get the numbers for the Mega Millions to bring back to the past, why can't she go back in time and stop Hitler?
  • why do the Nurses even regenerate and go through this whole "I'm a new person schtick," when they will become just like the Nurse before them?
  • Are the 10th Nurse Clone and Rose Tyler face down in a 69?
  • Why wont BBC play 9th Nurse reruns? Does it have to do with G.I. Joe?
  • If the nurse went back in time and did it with an earlier incarnation of herself would she birth Philip J. Fry.
  • Why is time used more as a Deus Ex Machina to bring back villians rather than a plot device?
  • How come an immortal like Captain Jack has never run into Nurses other than the 9th and 10th?
  • Why is it so impressive that she made her own Sonic Screw driver when Amy Pond did the same thing and isn't a Time Lady or Galifreyian?

Tom Baker's proudest moment

After Cocktor Poo, Tom Baker's plummy tones were much in demand (although not his mad, toothy, staring face) and he got to record lots of advert voice-overs. Alcohol was involved and possibly (at 4'50") cocaine.

"Symphony... even for monkey-shaggers!"


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Your typical Nurse Who fan

See Also

External Links

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