|Britfags: Replace "Dane Cook" with "Michael McIntyre" for maximum enjoyment of this article.|
Dane Cook is God's gift to both mankind and comedy. No, just kidding, he's actually an unfunny fucking cunt. We mean, absolutely asshole-suckingly awful. He is an unfunny hack who must have sold his soul to the Dark Lord Satan himself to become famous. It is a known scientific fact that at any given time, wherever funny is, Dane Cunt is no less than several thousand miles away from it.
Why is Dane Cook?
He's headlined a tour, had an HBO Special, and has been on several talk shows. Why? To force feed you the belief that he is actually funny. He is engineered to be what the American public wants: inoffensive, white, male, and he could be the kid next door.
Summing up his style and career
Cook boldly represents a Jew brand of 21st Century comedian; a comedian whose act doesn't rely on being funny, but instead puts more emphasis on leaving any poor soul who happens upon one of his shows with the feeling that they were repeatedly raped in the ass. This may seem contrary to what common sense would indicate (especially considering the fucking insane levels of popularity that he has gained), and so one might argue that this douche-bag must have told a good joke at some point in his career. They would be wrong. In days gone by a comedian actually had to be amusing; but not any more. All he has to do is say, "Cleveland steamer," and he gets laughs galore, although the steamer is exponentially less funny than a jar of piss.
Dane Cook: Camwhore
Dane Cook made himself famous on the interbutts through his MySpace which now has over two million "friends". This alone launched his superstar "comedy" career. As such, he is the most successful attention whore the Informationweb Supernetwork has ever created.
Making a video about "lolz I gots 2 million friends and you don't"? Really, Mr. Cook, if you really think that this is a notable accomplishment in any way, then you should become an hero.
Video available here
^^Notice how the other actors are funny...but still not Dane Cook.
Dane Cook is popular among orangeskin retards and people who have never heard any other stand-up comic in their life. Dane Cook's comedy routines usually consist of telling real-life stories and trying to make them funny by making the sort of exaggerated expressions and voices that you might expect from a first-grade class clown, while never actually saying anything funny.
He's also been well known for blatantly Jew material from funnier and more original comedians, most notably HBO's Louis CK 1. Both fans and critics of Cook tend to take this way too seriously and shit themselves over it, creating lots of lulz.
When the truth is
(Predictably enough, 98% of these virulently defensive hero-worshiping comedy groupies have never even had the opportunity to exchange a few brief words with the disinterested hack at one of his shows. Also, he is pretty much a pedobear.)
How To Do Stand Up Like Dane Cook
You, too, can write your own joke! It's easy! Just follow the formula below:
- Start out with "So the other day,"
- Talk about some mundane activity that everyone does. This is sure to build a connection with the audience. They'll be thinking, "Wow. He's just like me. I do that too!" (See Also: Linkin Park Song writing formula)
- Repeat what you did at least 3 times, then yell it back again and add the word "fucking."
- Wait for all the females in the crowd to finish screaming.
- Add some ridiculous, unrealistic aspect to the story. PROTIP: Create your own word for extra laughs!
- Mention one of your old jokes. Fanboys who have heard this joke will clap appreciatively.
- Go off on a tangent telling another story. Return to step 1.
- Return to the original story, which you almost forgot about due to an extreme case of ADD.
- Exaggerate. Every. Single. Detail.
- Become the victim of the story as it progresses.
- Violently thrust your body around. Just imagine you're epileptic. Don't worry about the context of your story! Most of the audience is too dense to follow more than a sentence or two at a time.
- Insert another small tangent here. Don't forget to keep saying "fucking."
- In a fell swoop of Deus Ex Machina, overcome the odds and become the victor of your story. The more unrealistic the victory, the better.
- Add a tangent on how you would further achieve victory in the most ridiculous way possible.
- Nod your head and say "Yeeeeeeah, that's right!" to the crowd as they give you the first of numerous standing ovations that will follow each and every subsequent "joke".
- Never forget at desperate times to say shit as fast as possible, giving the illusion of being funny.
- Say that your dick feels like corn.
Dane Cook on the YouTubes
Be sure to visit the comment pages of these videos for some high quality drama and easy trolling opportunities. Also, skip forward to 4:45 in the Scrubs sketch show video.
- Larry the Cable Guy
- Amy Schumer
- Lena Dunham
- The cancer that is killing humanity
- Jeff Dunham
- Leslie Jones
- David Tanny
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