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Nothing sadder than a hot person in a wheelchair.


—Ken Jennings

Fantastic, let's see you brush your teeth.

Cripples, also known as "wheeltards" and "chairfags", are useless wheelchair people who refuse to die. They have big, cumbersome, ugly wheelchairs that they use to run over your toe and get away with it, using the power of sympathy. The only thing that gets more sympathy is dogs - there's no lulz like watching the aftermath of a motor wheelchair running into a dog, the Dutch animal ambulance boring into the crowd with sirens wailing as the cripple and dog owner start arguing louder and louder... Until the Nineteenth Century, people assumed that people born crippled were also evil---'a twisted body makes a twisted mind'. This is of course true, but fades into insignificance before the greater and eternal truth that a twisted body is goddamn hilarious.

Types of Cripples

  • Pseudo-Cripples: These people use crutches, canes, and other devices because they are not yet crippled enough to use a full-blown, all-wheel drive wheelchair.
  • Regular Cripples aka "Paraplegics": These are your standard, run-of-the-mill cripples who, for one reason or another (usually spinal cord damage from not wearing a fucking seatbelt), have to get around in a big, stupid chair with wheels on it. They're pretty much the only type of cripple that can claim to be a "jock" thanks to having at least two functioning limbs and the Paralympics.
  • Super Cripples aka "Quadriplegics": These are the ultimate cripples. They can't move anything below their neck, so they are stuck in special electronic wheelchairs that use Linux. They are totally dependent and they want to kill unborn babies and buttchug their stem cells, to try and undo the hilarious punishment God has placed upon them.
  • Nigger Cripples: These cripples roam the streets of greater Los Angeles with a pronounced limp from being born with a genetic defect that led to the formation of club feet. "Crips", as they are known, have a keen sense of direction and are generally friendly towards lost white people in luxury cars looking for directions, especially women (who can't use Google maps and pathologically ask for directions any time they're driving in an unfamiliar area).
  • Hardcore Cripples: This kind of cripple actually enjoys the handicap of being legless. Often referring to themselves as "handycapable", they frequently fly off the handle when talked down to (although stooping to their level and kneeling infuriates them even more) and will try and run you over. This cripple is serious fucking business and should be handled with kid gloves and backup tasers.
  • Lycanthrocripple: A cripple who, for some reason or another, regularly regains the use of their legs for a short period of time. Can be attributed to MS, muscular dystrophy, or being bitten by a rabid cripple.
  • Fat Cripples: These special cripples are usually start off fat (and therefore useless) and so eat themselves into depression which they then use to their advantage, claiming disability and using your tax dollars to pay for their wheelchairs, because being a complete waste of atoms isn't enough. They, in fact, are the most repugnant and useless cripple, and are undoubtedly below even you.
Cripples are entitled to park closer to the entrance of buildings so that you can walk further, you lazy fuck.

Cripple Mannerisms

Cripples don't want help from anyone and, much like women, like to live in their fantasy worlds of independence. But when they end up having to face insurmountable challenges, like turning on a ceiling fan, going up a flight of stairs, or masturbating, they throw a hissy fit and start going on about "equal access" and whatnot. Which brings us to the one and only reason God makes people crippled: to make able-bodied people's lives easier. After all, without the cripples' constant complaining, we wouldn't have those roomy bathroom stalls, conveniently-located parking spaces, or those cool stair-lift things that they use. But that doesn't excuse them from being annoying pussies who go on and on about wanting to be treated like everyone else, until they get to board the airline first.

Cripples And The Internet

Needless to say, the Internet attracts lots of cripples. The reason, of course, being that it is their only form of social interaction, because nobody talks to them, IRL. Cripples are one of the many groups that are ruining the Internet by clogging our tubes with lame support group forums and online petitions for putting wheelchair ramps in front of every fucking building in the world. Internet cripples are frequently Internet tough guys.

Be wary, however. Some cripples may be faking it and deserve a special kind of audience for their valiant efforts. They are even lower than regular cripples and are to be approached with justice.

Ways to Troll Cripples

  • Ride on the back of their chair like you would a shopping cart.
  • Buy them tap-dancing shoes and roller skates for Christmas.
  • Push them down the stairs.
  • Loosen the nuts on the wheels.
  • Stick safety pins in their legs when they aren't looking and see how many you can get in there, before they notice.
  • Argue about stem cell research.
  • Inform them that the opposite of Christopher Reeve is Christopher Walken.
  • Take them on a skiing trip.
  • If they are gay, call them "Roll-AIDS."
  • Instigate a "CRIPPLE FIGHT."
  • Cripple them some more.
  • If they say, 'I'm not handicapped!' answer, 'You mean you'd be this useless even if you weren't crippled?'
  • Ask if they've learned to give really good head now that they can't do anything else.
  • If they say, 'I'm handi-capable,' just fucking kill them---many other cripples will thank you for this...lamely.
  • Say "I can do something you can't." Get up and WALK away


[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


One-legged DDR
This fat frat guy demonstrates the proper way to deal with a cripple
When cripples collide

See Also

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