Creepy Phil

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You know I've been to prison, and I don't masturbate anymore.


—Garrido to a neighbour on getting religion

Garrido (PedoBears Finest Student)
Jaycee--Not even that hot, Amirite?
Garrido's Candy Van
Can has death penalty?
The wife IRL B& as well
The backyard, look on the trampoline and see what?
Can has faggy mustache?

Phillip Craig Garrido (moar liek Warudo amirite??) aka Creepy Phil to his neighbours and themanwhospokewithhismind to himself, is a batshit insane nutjob that kidnapped Jaycee Lee Dugard on June 10, 1991. Jaycee was abducted from a school bus stop within sight of her home and was missing for over eighteen years. During her captivity, she gave birth to two girls Angel and Starlet -now aged 15 and 11- fritzl'd by Garrido, the former when Jaycee was only 14-years-old.

Pedobear couldn't even pull this epically fucked up shit. Garrido is also notable for keeping an internet blog associated with the God’s Desire Church. In the blog he said that he had the "power to control sound with his mind". Garrido had been previously V& in 1971 for "rape by force/fear/etc", according to the Megan's Law database.


During his original prison stay in the 70's, Creepy Phil became Glen Danzig and wrote a bunch of awesome songs.

Garrido was sentenced in 1977 to 50 years in federal prison for kidnapping across state lines, and five years to life on a state charge of sexual assault. While he was serving time and getting ass raped constantly by Bubba, he met his wife, who was visiting another inmate and were married behind bars. Garrido served just 11 years getting sprung in 1988. Upon release he moved in with his demented mother in the Bay Area, and kidnapped another girl and raped her repeatedly for five hours.

He told investigators that that after months of controlling his thoughts away from sex and limiting his fapping he experienced normal sex with his wife for the first time. He said that until that moment the only sex he enjoyed was forced. According to neighbours, he started becoming a religious zealot about a year ago. He also started preaching and telling people about the voices in his head. He had plans to change the world with his revelations about schizophrenia. He saw himself educating prisoners.

And how do you explain all this delicious drama? Mexicans! Apparently, he had been fairly normal as a kid until he had a motorcycle wreck and hit his head. He was never the same again.

He fell in with a bad crowd of Mexicans, started taking LSD, and it fucked him up. He went nuts. He's not in his right head. The little bastard doesn't know what he's doing.


Creepy Phil's dad

Before getting V& he lived in a small suburb in Antioch, California.


Kanye's Reaction
I Phillip Garrido have clearly demonstrated the ability to control sound with my mind and have developed a device for others to witness this phenomena....I have produced a set of voices by effectively controlling the sound to pronounce words through my own mental power


—Phillip Garrido

Is a condition that exists when large bodies of people have accepted something as truth. In the days of Columbus everyone knew the earth was “flat.” Today everyone knows it is not possible to produce voices for others to hear as experience clearly marked it as not possible. The reason I have taken the time to qualify my findings through the legal system is obvious. When you hear of my findings you will be experiencing a “flat world concept”.


—Garrido on the Timecube maybe ?

I just want to wish you the best of luck in the future. Your tireless work on behalf of the weak and defenseless will not go unnoticed and unrewarded.

You're gonna be meeting your idol Jesus soon. Maybe he can repair that XXXXL asshole you're going to have by then.


—A mad blog commenter after reading about Garrido projecting his god complex voices while he works on his insanity plea in pound prison

All in a day's work for Creepy Phil
Two Niggers comment on Creepy Phil


In 2006, one of Garrido's neighbors called the cops to report that he was a psychotic pervert with children living in tents in his back garden.

The police arrived and, when he answered the door, told him that he was not allowed to have camp outs in his backyard by local law. They left without asking to see the garden.

That's some fine police work there, Lou.

The long arm of the law finally caught up with Garrido in August, 2009 when campus police at UC Berkely lured him to a meeting at the school where they were supposedly going to discuss organizing a "really big" event that Garrido wanted to hold related to a group he called God's Desire, saying it involved the government.

This after Garrido had caught the cops' attention distributing bizarre religious material on campus grounds earlier in the week with two girls in tow. According to the cops, he was babbling incoherently and appeared to be mentally unstable. The girls wore drab-colored dresses, were unusually subdued, had pasty grey skin and appeared robotic and rehearsed when they spoke. Cops also wondered why the girls weren't in school.

Not wanting to show their hand, they asked Garrido to return for a meeting while they called his parole officer. He was also surprised to hear the parolee had young daughters and ordered the suspect to report to his office. When Garrido arrived to see the parole officer with his wife and the two girls he also had a woman called Allissa in tow. She turned out to be Dugard and Garrido inexplicably quickly confessed to kidnapping her without much prodding or being roughed up by The Man.

Wait till you hear the story of what took place at this house. You're going to be absolutely impressed. It's a disgusting thing that took place with me at the beginning, but I turned my life completely around. In the end, this is going to be a powerful, heartwarming story.


—Creepy Phil, still hoping to make some dough on the movie rights.

Jaycee DURRgard

Jaycee's phat crib
Camping is fun!
A book found in Jaycee's tent

MY.gif Jaycee Dugard was only 11-years-old when Garrido and his wife snatched her up and Candy V& her in front of her stunned stepfather on the way to school. Now 29 she enters IRL with two daughters -11 and 15- sired by Phillip Garrido. After living in captivity for 18 years camping out in the Garrido back yard, they knew nothing of the real world. The kids were home schooled and had never seen a doctor, much less the Internets.

According to mental health experts the transition for mother and children will be a difficult one and adjusting to freedom will be hard for a number of reasons, including difficulty bonding with their blood relatives, post-traumatic stress disorder and generally entering a strange new world of normalcy after years of deprivation. Psychiatrists and psychologist skilled at dealing with the worst in human nature have little to go on on this area but predict that Jaycee will face numerous disorders including depression, thoughts of suicide, sexual acting out and guilt at feelings of affection and sympathy for her captors.

Jaycee will probably be in a state of arrested development, 'stuck' at 11-years old despite now being a MILF. And her children may have an even harder time at readjusting, never having known anything else. They will also almost certainly have issues with their mother who will constantly see them as a reminder of her life with the Garridos. However, as kids they may be better at adapting to their new world, despite being completely fucked in the head with no memories of a well adjusted childhood much less an education of any sort.

As such, all three of them are undoubtedly perfect candidates for assimilation into the Internets and a life OTI. ED's resident experts in the field of abnormal psyche, Dr. Heinrich ODB, PHD and his associate Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA have advised the Dugards to lock all three kidnap victims in a basement with a computer, a high-speed Internet connection and send them directly to /b/ and ED IRC for 3 months. In addition, they should be 'home schooled' on what they've missed and current events by being made to watch every episode of South Park consecutively.


Details of the victims' life in captivity are sketchy and only just beginning to surface. The Dugard family has sequestered their future media darling treasure trove away from the prying eyes of the paparazzi and old media but according to locals it appears that Jaycee was running Creepy Phil's home printing business out of the back yard where she lived with her two rape babies in tents. Customers have revealed that Jaycee was a polite and efficient woman who dreamed of being a model and was apparently free to come and go as she pleased as the customer service rep for the business including having a Yahoo! mail account.

However, darker stories are emerging of backyard parties as Mexican trains passed by the yard. A neighbour said he saw men lining up in Garrido's garden, before entering the tents 'one by one'.

What I saw was not normal. Eight to 10 men, mostly Mexican, would gather in a line in his garden drinking beer, yelling and screaming and swearing. They normally had a bonfire and I saw them entering the tent one by one. On a number of occasions I saw them bobbing up and down through the window and I thought, 'My God, there is something sexual going on in there'.


—Neighbor, (sauce)

I went at him with a shovel. I said, 'Get the hell out of here or I'm going to bust you in the head.'


TOV from the neighbors, (sauce)

All things considered, Jaycee seems well equipped for a future career in media.

Breaking Broken News

Ordinarily, Phillip Garrido's shenanigans wouldn't merit an article on ED; he is -after all- no Josef Fritzl. No, in matters of sickfuckery, Anonymous is not won over so easily. However, recent developments in the Garrido case warrant as closer look as it pertains to being relative to Anon's interests.

Investigators are currently questioning Garrido about 10 unsolved murders that took place in his neighbourhood in the '90s. Police have extended the search of his squalid bungalow and yard to a neighbour’s property where Garrido was acting as a 'caretaker'. Cops with metal detectors and cadaver dogs cut back branches and dug holes in his back yard jungle gym in a search for remains. Most of the murdered women were hookers but one victim was a 15-year-old girl, Candy V& walking home from a party. The next door property he was looking after is said to have had all the locks changed so that you could enter but not leave.

Mind you, it turns out that his neighbourhood is a safe-haven for registered sex offenders, with over 100 calling the 94509 zipcode home.

The Garridos have so far been charged with 29 counts including kidnapping, rape, lewd acts with a minor, sexual penetration, abduction and molestation, with more charges possible on coming days as investigators have recently uncovered some bone in his home, which eventually turned out to be Native American remains. Either way, he is currently being held on $30 Million bail while being Bubba's bitch.

Stay tuned to ED for moar.


Garrido's backyard. Google saw it... but they didn't do anything!

See Also

Creepy Phil is part of a series on
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