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This is what every single Cunter-Strike player looks like. Including you.
An exciting game of Cunter-Strike in progress!

Cunter-Strike is a series of massively-overrated online first person shooters, originally conceived many years ago as a total-conversion mod for the hit online electronic computing internets machine game Half-Life. Over the years, the OG game has been massively overshadowed by its own lootbox-trading, eSports faggotry-infested, scammer-filled sequel, Counter-Strike: Global Offensive.

Known as THE CoD before CoD, Cunter-Strike is an easy, accessible shooter for all the stupid cunts that got stomped in Unreal Tournament and Quake. It's aimed at brainless 13 year old boys and basement-dwelling nerds who know it's cool and the best game ever, pretending that there have never been better alternatives for more than a millennia. Of course, no one could ever actually get that into their empty heads, as until Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare arrived, the game was basically the number one special forces fan fiction material. (Please note: If you're playing this game, you are gay. There is no hope, other than learning how to play better.)

Of the known sub-human population that is stuck with this game series, there are approximately 30% "Germans" who play it. The rest of the 70% are slavs and other outcasts. It's really easy to bring them to rage: micspam should be enough. Giving the enemy team a free AWP also works.

Note: Requirements to play include being a hyper-competitive spastic and looking like Brian Peppers.


You may experience special people that yell and blab into the microphone during the game.

Terrorists win

In Cunter-Strike, you have the option of rolling between two factions, picking either the Terrorist or Cunter-Terrorist team. If you play matchmaking in CS:GO, you'll have no choice at all and you'll be thrown in randomly.

The map you play on is usually some third-world shithole, since settings with original ideas are usually avoided at all costs by both developers and the playerbase. The objective of the game is to annoy your fellow players as much as possible, while avoiding to get shot. Several tactics to accomplish this goal include:

  • Assuming anyone that manages to kill you is using cheat engines ("hax") or ("smurf").
  • Using the "AWP" / "Autosniper" to watch the nerds rage.
  • Making sure that you do always take the bomb, but never EVER plant it, but instead throw it into a hole where nobody can reach it.
  • Blatantly cheating by seeing through walls, auto-blowing people's brains out, and running at the speed of light. Insult everyone who calls you out until you get a VACation.
  • Throwing intentionally racist slurs every two seconds.
  • Constantly moving infront of / blocking the movement of other players, best done by blocking their retreat path, while they're getting owned by the opposition.
  • Headshot other players constantly (without actually cheating). Be sure to piss yourself in joy after accomplishing said headshots.
  • Showing some actual skillz. This will enrage the other players so much that it's likely you'll be kicked / banned.
  • Damaging and killing your teammates for the lulz. Then watch them retaliate and receive long-term bans by either the admin or an automated kick-system.
  • Creating in-game "sprays" out of random images in your pr0n collection, preferably of a large penis or fag. You can use these distractions for your own advantage. Unfortunately spraying your own images doesn't work in CS:GO. Can't have Goatse in muh million dollar tourneys :(.
  • Initiating vote_bans on the first name you see in a crowded server, which everyone always votes yes to.
  • Playing for 16 hours a day for years on end, then ridiculing n00bs for not having the reflexes of a cyborg.
  • Telling 12 year olds that the F10 key provides free weapons.
  • Using a flashbang grenade to blind players just before they enter combat, making sure the other team is not blinded / throwing smoke grenades in front of snipers / throwing grenades at your teammates (a form of passive-aggressive team-killing) if friendly fire is on. For quicker teamflashes, type in bind f "buy flashbang" in the command console before entering a game. This allows you to instantly buy flash grenades by simply pressing the f key instead of navigating the weapon menu. You can change the binding key as well as grenade type by altering this code.
  • Bind the "kill" command to one of your keys and use it in competitive games when you are the last man standing, then come up with a bullshit reason for your death.

Bonus points are awarded if you have access to a headset, since then you can annoy the fuck out of everyone with your prepubescent nasal whining. You can also simply hold down the talk button and play incredibly annoying music over the channel, or hold an electric razor to it. An even more effective way is to use micspam tools. These programs allow you to play annoying sound / music files from your collection over the microphone with the touch of a button, without the need for a stereo-equipped iPod or even a headset. For even moar damage, type setinfo name "" (with two quotation marks, not four apostrophes) in the command console before entering a server. This changes your username to "unconnected", which prevents you from being shown in the other players' mute menus.


Counterstrike skill quake.png

Cunter-Strike: Condition Zero - CS 1.6 with better textures and models + bots (which were ripped from the game prior to the release, and were freely available for CS 1.6). Has a spin-off singleplayer campaign called the "Deleted Scenes" which was so horrible that everybody denied its existence. This sequel should have been a fucking free DLC, that's how much it sucks. In the end everybody and their mom just waited for CS:Source to come out.

Cunter-Strike: Online (Azn Version) - Same as Condition Zero, but visually more like Cunter Strike 1.6 to make it suck less. Has some weird new guns and stupid F2P additions. Have I mentioned the built in drophack?

CS: Sauce's broken hitboxes.

Cunter-Strike: Sauce - The sequel that came with Half-Life 2. Mostly known for its broken hitboxes. Valve later on updated it to the bug-ridden Orange Box engine (Team Fortress 2), which pretty much made the Steam forums into a warzone for quite some time. Many nerds ragequitted. The update included only minor new things like HDR, achievements, a kill cam, and an improved scoreboard, which broke the game for many months. The outrage was still lulzy as hell. This game is now mostly abandoned, thanks to CS:GO.

Cunter-Strike: Arcade or some shit - There is supposed to be some sci-fi Counter-Strike edition for the arcades in Japan.

Cunter-Strike: Global Offensive - Best game evar. It was made by some dudes that created a tower defense game. It has a 5 vs 5 automatch function and a Call of Duty brown-in-brown color palette, weapon skins and lootboxes. Those are probably the only "revolutions" CS ever went through. Consolefags can play it too, on a completely outdated and never updated version, just like back when Team Fortress 2 was released on the PS3. There once was a cross-play function planned between PC and consoles, but as always, Valve didn't have the balls to try something new, as the console plebs started crying during the alpha phase. Until the lootbox updates dropped, CS:GO was very unpopular, in fact nobody really bothered to play it at all. When the weapon skins were released, a lot of people (rightfully) saw opportunities to make fake money on Steam and use it for other games or even trade for IRL money. This is the real reason why Valve bothered to continue updating this game.

Cunter-Strike: Online 2 - Same shit as the first one but put on a the Source engine to make Nexon's slut models stand out more.

Cunter-Strike Nexon: Zombies - Coming directly from worst Korea to Steam, it's a pay-to-win, spyware-infested rip-off of CS 1.6 with weird zombie modes, a stupid map editor, new guns with horrible sound effects and animations and just about everything that could ruin a game, including the UI.


The game has three teams: Terrorists, Cunter-Terrorists and Spectators. The Terrorists are the good guys, Cunter-Terrorists are the bad guys, and spectators are sad losers who are not only wasting their lives on the most boring game in existence, but aren't even PLAYING the damn game.



  • Phoenix Connexion - Ex-Soviet faggots with gay rape gimp masks. The most overused Terrorist model in all old CS games.
  • Elite Crew - The only actual imitation of real-life terrorists in the game, since they are Muslims from the Middle East.
  • Yakuza - Azns. Only in CS:CZ Deleted Scenes. Exists in real life.
  • Anarchist - Black Bloc OWS hipster faggots. Contrary to popular belief, they're not actually Terrorists, just urban street criminals who should go back to occupying Wall Street.
  • Arctic Avengers - Swedish people from Eastern Europe. Has some sort of grudge against the Phoenix Connexion.
  • Guerrilla Gorilla Warfare - Another Muslim faction from the Middle East. Hates Americunts.
  • Pirate - A bunch of niggers with Jamaican accents. YAR HAR FIDDLE DEE DEE A SOMALI PIRATE LIFE FOR THEE! They are apparantly planting bombs to drive away the CT's from their KFC restaurants / drug warehouses.
  • Separatist - The Spanish and French alternatives to the Phoenix Connextion. Existed in real life. Brought controversy from the butthurt victims of the ETA.
  • Professional - Classy bank robbers which were probably ripped off from Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs.
  • Balkan - A group of Russian paratroopers that consist of oldfags, not really Terrorists, amirite?.
Typical britbong Cunter-Terrorist


  • SEAL Team 6 - Also known as DEVGRU. Has an uncanny resemblance to Master Chief in CS:S. Only appears on 3 4 maps in CS:GO.
  • GSG-9 - Your average Nazi military police. Never appeared on de_nuke in CS:GO, which was set in a German Americunt nuclear power plant for a few years, until they changed it. In fact they barely make an appearance in CS:GO.
  • SAS - Have uncanny resemblances to the Pyro from Hat Fortress 2. Also voiced by Demoman. Appears on 9 / 10 maps.
  • GIGN - Comes with a free white flag. Least used CT model in CS:S due to the piss colored visor on the helmet. Now an overused CT model in CT-sided community maps in CS:GO along side with the SAS.
  • Spetsnaz - Putin's personal a henchmen. Only appears in CS:CZ.
  • FBI - The party van awaits. Came to arrest the nigras / hippies / cp / pedos.
  • SWAT Team - The usual wannabe tough guys.
  • Israeli Defense Force - Jews that wear floppy hats "Helmet" Coverings over Their Helmet to the battlefield. Only appear in dustfaggotry maps to fight mudshits.

Weapons in 1.6 / CSS

There is only one true weapon available in Cunter-Strike - the AWM / AWP, also known as the "fag gun", or "n00b gun" (see "Objectives"). Not even the BFG9000 has generated as much lulz in FPS deathmatch history. This makes it the obvious weapon of choice when playing Cunter-Strike. See below for moar details on it.

Handguns Shotguns Sub-Machine Guns Assault Rifles Sniper Rifles Machine Guns Grenades Miscellaneous
  • USP .45 Tactical - The starting pistol for the CTs. More powerful than the Glock, but acts like a jackhammer with the shitty recoil.
  • Glock 18 - The starting pistol for the Terrorists. Does shit damage, even in burst-fire, but has more ammo. Was completely useless before patch 1.6.
  • Desert Eagle - The only pistol anyone EVER uses after the first round. A overhyped jewish pseudo mini-AWP that nobody actually uses in any conflict IRL. Used to show off skillz because it's so stupidly accurate.
  • SIG P228 - You pay 50 bucks less than the deagle to get a upgraded USP with one more shot. Woop-de-fucking-doo.
  • Beretta 96G Dual Elites - Raise your hand slightly above the mouse and then click like a total spaz to unleash a shitload of bullets in a fraction of a second... all while pressing forward the whole time! If you're successful, you'll be called a speedhacker and banned.
  • Five-seveN - Spend even more dosh than for a Deagle and you get a upgraded Glock with no burst-fire and without any remarkable features except accuracy and armor-piercing. King of all pea-shooters.
  • Benelli M3 - Completely useless in 1.6 and borderline broken in CS:Source.
  • M1014 - Totally fucking useless. In every incarnation of Cunter-Strike, except CS:GO. Not even joking.
  • MP5N - The only smg anyone ever uses. You buy this thing when you have no moniez for any rifles or you're too unskilled to use a Deagle 24/7.
  • Steyr TMP - A submachine-gun with a unremoveable suppressor. Good luck killing ANYTHING with this thing. For some reason this piss-weak abomination had some kind of cult-following in the early 2000s.
  • P90 - Has annoying recoil and weird damage output and is borderline useless in 1.6. Ironically it's a rape-machine in CS:Source and CS:GO.
  • MAC-10 - Completely uncontrolable gangsta-gun that sometimes does a headshot if you're lucky, but otherwise is overpriced garbage.
  • UMP45 - Slow firing, headshotting smg that pierces through armor better than the MP5. Too bad though, that the headshots it inflicts are so weak that the other guy just blows your head off with his AK47. It actually manages to be even more useless in CS:GO.
  • Jewlil - Do you want a really ugly gun that has the worst recoil pattern ever? Here you go.
  • FAMAS - Nobody ever buys this thing unless they accidentally hit the Auto-Buy key and don't have enough money for a M4.
  • AK-47 - The only rifle any Terrorist ever uses. No exceptions. 99.9% of kills from this weapon will be headshots.
  • SG 552 - Eventhough this thing is clearly better for long ranges with its built in zoom, nobody uses it.
  • M4A1 - The only rifle any Cunter-Terrorist ever uses. No exceptions.
  • Steyr AUG - See SG 552
  • Steyr Scout - Some kind of training rifle before you get to use the AWP. That or the shitty admins banned the other 3 sniper rifles and you're stuck with this piece of shit.
  • Arctic Warfare Magnum - There is a extra section for that, dumbass. Scroll down!
  • G3SG/1 - Didn't hit ANYTHING before they patched it. Now it's the most overpowered gun in the game. Yes, not even the AWP comes close to how ridiculous this thing is. Tourneyfags still rather use the AWP to show off their skillz.
  • SG 550 Sniper - Same thing as the G3SG/1, except does less damage.
  • M249 Para - Shooting through walls while never running out of ammo can be such fun ... one must be a millionaire to afford this thing, though.
  • High Explosive Grenade - Feels like throwing a giant rock in 1.6 and pretty much nukes everything in CS:Sauce.
  • Flashbang - Throw it at teammates, because then you can be atleast sure that they work correctly for once.
  • Smoke Grenade - See flashbang. Used to cause stutters to really bad computers in the early 2000s, which made poorfags an easy target.
  • Knife - Only use the secondary fire if you want to actually kill anything with this thing. Switch to your gun during a knife fight for extra lulz.
  • Defuse Kit - Every time you need it, you don't have it.
  • Kevlar - Bullet proof, for the most part. Helps against grenade spam, and that's about it.
  • Helmet - Spend an extra $350 on the $650 Kevlar for a completely fucking pointless hat that reduces the damage of headshots by a hair. Most guns kill you in one shot to the head anyway.
  • Night Vision Goggles - Turning up brightness makes these useless. They were made for ONE EXTREMELY DARK map in the beta, which got canned shortly after. They are therefor a derelict leftover that should have never made it into the final game and its sequels.
  • Riot Shield - The best "weapon" that was ever made for the game. Released with 1.6, it is the holy grail of trolling. It (for example) allows you to camp in a corner with an AWP while two friends guard your sides with the shield ... It even gave you a higher survivability against aimbots. IT MADE CS_ASSAULT WINABLE FOR THE CTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Was removed again in CSS because neckbeards couldn't take this extra pressure on their pimples :'( ...


Cunter-Strike player camping above the door
CunterStrike Rage


—Moar CS fail

The AWP is the most lulzy weapon in the game. Killing people with an AWP can make you a "AWP Whore", which is the source of faggotry. Accomplishing headshot with said AWP, will create a barrage of barrel rolls and said faggotry. If someone kills you while holding this weapon they are using hax, or cheatz.

The signs of an AWP user ingame include:

  • Some faggot screaming into his mic.
  • Said user screaming "BOOM HEADSHOT," and "I OOOWWWWNN."
  • Hearing a big ass shot from a gun.
  • Once entering server, hearing the words "fucking hacker."
  • Seeing the headshot icon on the upper right corner of the screen.
  • Dying from any direction without even knowing what hit you.
  • Having an unnatural liking of the Columbine massacre.

Common reactions include:



Fucking AWP Whores


Please stop using that weapon, its so fuckin' overpowered, stop please. (5 Seconds later) "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!




Why is the fucking AWP not RESTRICTED, like it should be.




The amount of butthurt this weapon can potentially cause is epic, so it should be sought at every opportunity, then abused. The real mystery is why Cunter-Strike is the one of the few FPS games where anybody bitches when others use a 1-hit-kill weapon. Combat Arms for example has an AWP of its own, that's basically the same one as in Cunter-Strike, yet nobody complains when you use it. The reason: Everyone who plays Cunter-Strike is a whiny 13 year old boy with no social skills (and probably assburgers as well).

Because of it's badass lulzy potential, the AWP is banned from most servers in 1.6 and Cunter-Strike: Source, or only one person is allowed to use it on every team.

Nothing is safe from the AWP. In Cunter-Strike: Condition Zero, you blow up a FUCKING HARRIER JET-FIGHTER (!) with an AWP. The AWP is srs fucking bizness!

Weapons in Global Offensive

Boosting in CS:GO
Black Bloc hipster OWS faggots are the new terrorists in Global Offensive.

CS:GO, aside being another terrible Source engine game, brings to us useless virtual knives, that won't do jack shit against someone with an IQ of 80. There are some "amazing" new guns with animations made by the cheapest Korean slave-labour-workforce that Valve could hire ... srsly, wtf Valve, can't you fucking afford some talented gun modelers and animators with the trillions of money you make off Steam?! CS:GO's weapons are constantly updated, so don't expect us to always keep up with this shit list.

Handguns Shotguns Sub-Machine Guns Assault Rifles Sniper Rifles Machine Guns Grenades Other shit
  • P2000 - CTs got a replacement gun for the USP. It's the most generic pistol of all time. It feels like nobody put any effort into the gunplay of this thing. Most of the time all you do is to hope that you accidently achieve a headshot over long range.
  • USP-S - The USP is back, with a suppressor on it by default. If too many unskilled CTs use this gun during the pistol round, they're pretty much going to fuck up the next two, as this sad piece of shit doesn't even have enough ammo for two full reloads, making drawn out firefights absolutely impossible. Only headshot gods and aimbotters can use it effectively.
  • P250 - The Deagle of CS:GO, as the actual Deagle is now a piece of shit. Has a decent magazine, cheap as chips and can do one-shot headshots to a guy with helmet and armour. Tourneyfags and pros buy this over any gun on a save round.
  • Desert Eagle - The Deagle has been patched to death, or you could say that the gun has finally become as useless as it is in real life. Compared to the original overpowered 1.6 incarnation, it can't hit the broadside of a barn and you need A LOT of patience to make a successful hit. The only reason people still use it now is to be cheap shits and show-offs that camp in a corner just so they can headshot you and take your gun. Sometimes people run around a corner and headshot you with incredible luck. But then again everyone is hacking in this game anyway. Every other use of this gun is considered suicide and a waste of money.
  • R8 Revolver - This was a broken-beyond-all-logic 1-hit-kill revolver that caused mass destruction. Nobody uses it anymore. It replaces your lousy Deagle for a miserable 850 dollars. It fires a delayed shot that is almost always perfectly accurate and you can also blindly fast-fire the thing by hitting the right mouse button, which is more deadly than a Auto-Sniper. Due to the recent R8 nerf patch, it's just like SSG 08 now, with the price of the Desert Eagle. YouTube Favicon.png This weapon was so broken at one point, it transformed CS:GO into Cowboys vs Desperados.
  • Five-SeveN - P2000 on steroids. Completely overpowered deluxe pistol than you can both spam-shoot and use for accurate headshots that kill almost everything in a single hit. Almost makes you forget that this used to be the king of pea shooters in 1.6.
  • Glock-18 - Same Glock as always, random damage output that makes it risky to shoot at people, even up-close.
  • Dual Berettas - Both sides can now purchase them, which makes them drastically less cool & rare. Became affordable, too. Okay-ish performance, but get overshadowed by cheaper alternatives.
  • Tec9 - Ever felt like doing a nigga-drive-by Columbine style with this gun? Well too bad. For some reason these "veteran" terrorist groups can't even figure out how to modify this gun to shoot full-auto. So you're stuck with a single-shot "submachine gun" that is actually really strong, but feels awkward to fire (Pretty much like any gun in CS:GO) and has absolutely no reliable cone of fire. Constantly gets buffed or nerfed and thrown around in the "meta". It had 5 minutes of infamy, when it's accuracy became that of a laser. Was hotfixed after one day though. Its magazine's now nerfed from 32 to 24, even though IRL mags are 20, 32, and 50 ...
  • CZ75 Auto - A new throw-away pistol with broken damage. Totally useless for any ordinary use, since it only has 12 rounds and one spare magazine. It being an automatic pistol doesn't help either, since it will run out of bullets before you can even hit anything. Anyone who chooses this gun in the pistol round is dooming their entire team with a 75% chance to be on eco rounds for the rest of the match. You will see tryhard "pro-gamers" running around with like 6 bullets left and dying empty-handed, instead of picking up any other pistol on the ground. Typical to Valve's incredibly untalented gun modelers, after the first reload you actually insert air into the magazine slot. They fixed their shitty ass drawing animation after several years.
  • Nova - Replacement for the old pump shotgun. Ugly and badly animated. The "feeling" of this thing kills any fun in using it. It is also way too random and requires ridiculously precise aiming, when trying to hit anything in close combat. Failure to score a headshot will result in the target surviving and shooting your fucking head off by the time you can pump the next shell. Nice way to spend $1,200, asshole.
  • MAG7 - Death incarnate. It either chooses to kill every single motherfucker in a room or it refuses to hit any vital parts and makes you look like an assclown. It also uses mags instead of single shells. Now has a new firing sound that sounds like a mentally retarded .50 BMG.
  • Sawed-Off - Overpowered piece of shit that kills in one or two hits. Getting shot by this will shave most of your health off, making you practically useless in combat. For some reason, the projectiles can only reach 10 meters before magically disappearing, making this like a short-range AWP.
  • XM1014 - Very effective even at mid-range. Can kill an enemy with 1-2 body / headshots. But even this can be rendered obsolete with the introduction of the MAG7 and the Sawed-off.
  • MAC-10 - This previously useless gun has become the bane of CTs that lost the pistol round. For a price of 1050$ you get a machine pistol that can wipe out 2-3 CTs effortlessly in full-auto, on the condition that you know how to aim & burst-fire correctly. It's pathetic to admit, but this thing is better than the MP7, if used correctly.
  • MP9 - Actually nothing more than a more modern copypasta of the TMP, without a suppressor, completely unreliable. A shittier version of the MP7 for a few hundred bucks less. Nobody uses this.
  • MP5-SD - For a long time hidden somewhere in the game files, waiting to be re-released some day, the old reliable classic finally came back as a permanently-suppressed version. While it does less damage than the MP7, it is way more reliable and the fact that its shots won't reveal you on the map, makes this thing almost broken in the right hands.
  • MP7 - Nobody likes to use this thing unless they really have to or forgot to switch to the new MP5-SD. They had to lower the price to convince people that you CAN actually use it somewhat. It still doesn't stick with people.
  • UMP-45 - Unlike the old, slow firing UMP from 1.6 & CSS, this piece of shit is like a weak assault rifle. Low damage combined with stupidly strong headshot damage, an abysmal firing cone and a stupid amount of buffs make this the unloved freak gun of CS:GO.
  • PP-Bizon - Does no damage, absolutely no damage. Lots of bullets, though. Typical slavshit. If you get killed with this, it's likely the slav who pwn'd you was using hax. Many times entire magazines are fired out of this thing and NOBODY DIES! One of the many reasons why nobody bothers to use it anymore.
  • P90 - Hilariously overpowered. Even the shittiest players can easily win with this thing. The reason why it's so broken has to do with Valve's awful servers, where more bullets mean a better chance to hit & kill. This rule applies perfectly here.
  • AK-47 - Less accurate, more expensive and a bad new firing sound. Still the most overused rifle in the entire game.
  • Galil AR - Just like the MAC-10, the godawful Galil was completely re-hauled and is actually useful now. It has 5 bullets more than the AK-47 and costs much less. This underdog gun is surprisingly awesome for noobs, as it is far more reliable in short bursts and even full-auto. Nobody buys it in the end, mostly because of elitism.
  • FAMAS - Nope, nothing about this gun has changed since Counter-Strike:Source. You're better off just getting a P90. It's about the same price, you get 25 more bullets, and the recoil is actually controllable. The burst fire mode is also of no practical use.
  • M4A4 - Same thing as the old CS 1.6 / CSS M4A1, except the suppressor was removed. Generic and bland, but does the job. Likes to 4-5 non-deadly hits EVERY SINGLE TIME.
  • M4A1-S - The old M4 with 10 less bullets in the magazine and a suppressor on it by default. It has been nerfed to shit as of September 15, 2015, and like the USP-S it has almost no ammo, making it mostly suicidal to even pick the gun up at any given time. The only thing it really is good at is pissing people off, by killing them with instant headshots, as it is absolutely quiet from distance.
  • AUG - In a recent update, the AUG has become the paperweight of broken weapons. Its firing rate was increased for about a week which turned it into an absolute rape machine, but was toned down when tourneyfags got butthurt. It now has an added scope as well, luring CoD kiddies and Battlefags alike into CS:GO. The SG-553 got the same treatment. They've lowered the prices to almost M4 levels, so now everyone buys this gun to do cheap shots from half across the map.
  • SG 553 - Same shit as the AUG, except its feels less controlable when you shoot it full auto. Its model was changed with the introduction of the scope. Like with the AUG, they've lowered the prices to almost AK47 levels, so now everyone buys this gun to sneak around the map while in scoped view to kill you across the map in under a second with stupid precision fire.
  • AWP - It's now only the second most hated gun in the entire game. The first place goes to the auto sniper rifles.
  • SSG 08 - A Steyr Scout replacement, is a Steyr rifle as well. Pretty much the same thing as the old one, except nobody uses it. The gun was used so little that Valve actually had to reduce the price to a lousy $1,700, making it possible for people with aimbot-like skillz to pwn sum n00bs with cheap headshots. If you only manage to hit the torso or limbs of your enemy, you will only slice their health in half, so make sure to have aimbot turned on, you autistic fuck.
  • G3SG1 / SCAR-20 - Same shit as the old auto sniper rifles, only this time they are the most hated guns in the game, because 5 vs 5 matches are now the main focus of the game, and as soon as anybody DARES to buy one, he / she / it will get harassed by both enemy and ally alike. Usually two shots are enough to kill someone, but AWP users with 1337 hax skillz might counter you unexpectedly, ruin your "killstreak" and supply the enemy with their very own automatic sniper-rifle. It's quite hilarious, actually.
  • M249 - A overpriced rape machine with lots of bullets and a rather slow firing rate. If a player has to choose between a M4A1 that's half empty and a fully loaded M249, both lying on the ground, the dumb fuck will choose the rifle. Nobody wants to use this gun, even for free. Due to the extreme borderline-unrealistic recoil of this beast, you'd be lucky to kill an opponent at short-range!
  • Negev - Previously a very reliable - but too expensive Jew-manufactured machinegun that was turned into a joke. Like the M249, NOBODY EVER USED IT, except when you shoved it into someone elses hand. So Valve figured, WE NEED TO CHAAAAANGE IT: They made it have a very, very cheap price. They drastically changed the firing rate and gun behaviour. Carrying it makes you slower than any other player in the game. The longer you hold the fire button, the more accurate it becomes, which makes absolutely no sense and is not even fun at all. The gun looks like as if it was made out of three Minecraft blocks. PROTIP: If you have no idea what to do, buy this gun and spray down narrow hallways blindly. Like IRL, you can use the sound of the gun's bullets to discourage enemies from charging your position, but nobody in this shitty game has any real tactics anyway. With enough of them and some decoys, you can reach maximum spam and confusion with little to no effort. They really transformed it into the dumbest gun of the entire game.
  • High Explosive Grenade - Tactical pocket-nukes that usually never kill or even seriously injure an enemy.
  • Flashbang - Still unreliable. Perfect for griefing in competitive.
  • Smoke Grenade - Considered broken, as the smoke of a single grenade is now 5 times as dense as it was before. Good for ninja-defusing.
  • Molotov Cocktails / Incendiary Grenades - Tourneyfags hate these things so much, they want them banned. They pretty much block all rushing spots on the map. Can be countered by throwing smoke grenades at them, which most people do unintentional, as the fire only lasts about a few seconds. They were actually supposed to be in Condition Zero back in 2004, but Valve was too fucking stupid to balance them back then and removed them. Any teammate who walks into the fire can get the teammate who threw it banned by the automatic system. So remember to always run into the fire.
  • Decoy Grenade - A new definition of useless. The firing sounds these things make are so unnatural that everyone instantly notices its fakeness. Only $50 though!
  • Knife - Much more useful in CS:GO, as it automatically backstabs an enemy now. Switch to your gun during a knife fight for extra lulz.
  • Defuse Kit - Every time you need it, you don't have it.
  • Kevlar - Helps against grenade spam and bullet stopping power, and that's about it.
  • Helmet - Still unreliable.
  • Zeus x27 - A one-hit-kill taser that requires you to be always be right next to the enemy to kill them. Good for corner camping faggots. PROTIP: Fire at a teammate as soon as the round begins to easily piss them off by shaving about 80% of their health off.
  • Hostage Rescue Kit - Same shit as the defuse kit, except you use it on hostages. Nobody intentionally plays that gamemode though.

The crate market offensive

The dawn of the Age of Crates has begun
This guy knew it all along

On early August 2013, these horrifying pictures were unleashed to the world. After hearing of rumors for CS:GO to go free to play several months ago, it went quiet ... too quiet, as we know now that Valve had plans that could threaten the structure of the very universe. During the first days, lucky nerds were able to obtain some of these crates and sell them on the steam market for up to 10 dollars per piece. Of course they're pretty much worthless now. CS:GO has changed. Forever.

CS:GO now suffers from grinding, scamming, account thieves, stupid trade servers and a constant influx of people who can't aim with their mouse if their life depended on it. A shitload of hackers and scammers came into the game and the overall matchmaking balance has gone down the drain with all the smurfs. The quality of new content has significantly dropped, as it all is aimed toward making more money. At this very moment Valve and Gaben are having a circlejerk while they laugh at the amount of shekels they're raking in out of the hundreds of 12 year olds who got access to daddy's credit card.

With its current matchmaking system, people will enjoy getting more and more 7 day bans when they come into the situation where they have to kill the Free2Play grandpa who doesn't know how to plant the bomb, but happily buys new weapon skins with his boomer money.

Behold, the future of crate items:

> A courier to run back and forth from the buyzone and keep you supplied with grenades!

> A time extender item - perfect to get those camping tactics to perfection!

> A red dot attachment for the AWP - take the "big deadly" to CQC !

> Advanced kevlar + helmet. Added and named as "Heavy Assault Suit". Although it appears on COOP-Strike Map or you can spawn through command console.

> Smoke grenades in all colours of the rainbow

> A funny cute cosmetic pet to follow you in battle - Next update we will be sure to include all the six manes!

In conclusion the crate update has both revived and doomed Cunter-Strike for all eternity. Where there was once a community, you only have streamer faggots showing off their weapon skinz now, while scammers try to constantly hack into your account to get your valuable items. Everything revolves around shitty skins now, it's the only reason this game is alive in the first place.


Valve education at its finest.
If hand signals had made it into the game, it probably would have looked like this.

While it is true that Cunter-Strike's mapping scene brought out some amazing maps over the years, you will most likely have never played them, as all servers that provide ANYTHING ELSE than DUST2 24/7 are empty, desolate wastelands, mostly filled with idle bots.

  • cs_assault - Also known as "Terrorists camp" - the map. Eventhough Valve tried to fix this map several thousand times, most games on it end like this: Ts camp inside the warehouse, CTs get shot. P90's welcome.
  • cs_siege - The map which was infamous for having an APC for the CTs in 1.0, which was mainly used for driving over teammates and lots of griefing. When the vehicle was removed after just one patch, the map was only remembered for doing a loooooooooooooong walk to the enemy base, while getting shot by snipers. The mapper also became an hero, I guess it really sucked that much.
  • cs_estate - A house with a huge-ass sewers connection. Lots of camping, as there is almost no space to move anywhere, without getting shot in seconds.
  • cs_militia - Once a really good map with lots of replayability, it was both raped visually and in terms of fun in CSS. You basically can't see shit in the CSS version because everything is green and overdetailed now. Plus they nerfed the sewers. The CS:GO version was so bad, they pulled it entirely from the game. RIP.
  • cs_office - The map which made camping in a long hallway cooler than ever before. Watch as hundreds of CTs run helplessly into your automatic sniper rifle before they are even capable of throwing the first flashbang.
  • cs_backalley - One of those maps that nobody ever wants to play anymore after Dust2 came out. Has obnoxious doors, ladders and windows that cause many deaths.
  • cs_compound - The worst official map of CSS and probably the worst CS map of all time. Its ugliness and unplayability is unmatched. Nothing comes close to how bad this map is. Valve really put a lot of effort into this, with all those car wrecks lying around.
  • cs_italy - The map with the exploding radio. Offers a lot of AWP camping and lots of sneaking and backstabbing, ... good map.
  • cs_havana - This map consists out of Ts shooting from balconies and windows and CTs getting lucky once in a while by winning the round by accident.
  • cs_747 - Since this map came out before the CTs even had a shield, all the Ts had to do back then was to shoot through the curtain doors of the plane whenever they heard any footsteps. Today nobody will ever play this map again. Someone eventually remade it for CS:GO after all.
  • cs_mansion (removed) - Same shit as cs_estate, except it looked and played even worse. There are of course other old removed maps, but this one was the most played out of all the removed ones.
  • de_austria - A new, snowy CS:GO map that has a very generic, but not totally unfun layout. Unremarkable, but an okay addition to the game.
  • de_cache - Popular new map in CS:GO that employs the typical 3-way map system that the CS community "enjoys" so much. Basically de_dust2 on a flat surface area with more obstacles, corridors and a ventilation shaft.
  • de_dust - In the early 2000s, this map was played the most, as it allowed a LOT of AWP camping. It was very popular and basically the face of CS. Then the e-Sports craze came along.
  • de_dust2 - What happens when e-Sports faggotry hits a game so hard, that it's decided that it has found the ultimate map, THE ONLY MAP THAT ANYONE plays. The never-ending cancer of Cunter-Strike. The most overplayed, overrated and soulless map of all time. For over a decade most players continuously ignored more varied and prettier custom maps, throwing map development into a new dark age. It is in fact so overplayed, that most players know exactly where to aim their crosshair to shoot you in the head as soon as you appear anywhere, that or the guy aimbots. This map is the main reason why normal servers with a set of changing maps (like hostage rescue or VIP mode) died out for the most part. This map is also the reason why most people only play Classic Casual Hostage Rescue mode on CS:GO, because if you try to play on Bomb Defusal for once, you will always get matched up to this map. you can't choose the map you want to play in Classic Casual, only in Competitive.
  • de_nuke - Probably the number one competitive map. Nerfed hard in CS:GO by removing lower sections, thus removing fun and camping spots. Got revamped to the point where it crashes alot then remade again to make the damn map looks like Call of Duty: Black Ops 3's style.
  • de_aztec - This map is mostly known for three things: Getting shot at the double doors, getting shot at the bridge or getting shot across the map from nowhere. It's all about luck. CT sided as FUCK. Was removed from CS:GO after a few years. RIPpedy rip.
  • de_port - Close to cs_compound in horrible map design choices. This map looks like a rejected Half-Life 2 beach area. Nobody plays it for good reasons. Great job once again, Valve.
  • de_prodigy - Tight hallways and lots of shooting through holes in a wall and crates. Sometimes you can crawl through the ventilation shaft. Automatic doors, annoying up-close fights and a sniper hallway with crates make for a bizarre old map.
  • de_cbble - A pain in the ass - last man standing map. The size of the map allows for lots of sniping and running around endlessly. Had really stupid sniper house in CSS, which was fun only for T campers.
  • de_train - Shooting feet under the trains 24/7 and getting sniped at the worst possible view angle. Probably the most unforgiving map ever made. Got revamped in CS:GO where you cannot shoot feet under trains.
  • de_chateau - Save up all your money, get a machine gun and grenades and hopefully mow everything down that pops up. That is if you're a CT of course. Pretty, but ultimately forgotten map that was lost in time.
  • de_vegas - Unforgetable casino map that spawned lots of early 2000s fanmade videos and pictures ... that is if you actually ever got to play it before CS 1.6 came around and removed it silently. Dustfaggotry killed it. It's dead, Jim.
  • de_piranesi - Museum map that is all about shooting people from ridiculous spots over and over again. That sums it up. It's also just Turtle Rock studios showing off their mapping skillz again.
  • de_inferno - Once a visually good map with red brick buildings with a simple layout, Valve had to ruin it by adding lots, and I mean LOTS of eye candy. As of October 11, 2016, Inferno got a makeover. Now it's heavily CT-Sided. Good job, Valve. To prove that modern Valve is completely soulless, one needs to look no further than the first iteration of CS GO's inferno: It had a T starting area with four metal bells that you could shoot, each with different sound effects. So what happened is that some players stayed in spawn to make music by shooting said bells. Suddenly Valve releases ANOTHER version of Inferno and removes the bells except one with a crappy sound, while mocking the players with a drawing of the missing bells. It's like taking the radio out of cs_italy and ... oh wait, that happened...
  • de_vertigo - Only famous for the hilarious falling down sound. Got a remake in CS:GO, but millenial & generation Z retards were not able to figure out how the map layout works, so it was removed again. Thanks for nothing.
  • de_survivor - The greatest map that nobody ever plays anymore. A piece of art that is lost in the dust.
  • de_storm - A dark and edgy attempt at doing a huge-ass copy of de_dust. It failed miserably and even back in the day nobody played it.
  • de_torn - A wartorn city with lots of cool details ... except that the main area of the map really fucking sucks and at the same time is the place where everyone gets a random headhot in the first few seconds. When the first skirmish is over, it's all about camping in a very dark corner next to the bomb spot. Nowadays nobody plays it anymore, anyway.
  • de_tides - Turtle Rock studios made this abomination. It was basically made for showing off texture-work. The map itself is neither fun to play nor very imaginative.
  • de_jeepathon2k - The uber fun 1.6 map with hostages and a bombsite in it and ... *gasp*, absolutely pointless jeeps that scare people when they are turned on ... Driving over people with cars is awesome either way!
  • as_oilrig - The VIP mode, the mode that nobody ever plays / played / will ever play. For two reasons: This dark, confusing map with lots of death traps and giving the VIP only a shitty USP with 24 ammo and no way of picking up any guns. This really encouraged the player to stay alive.

Removed maps from the CS Beta

These were maps that were included in the beta versions of 1.6 before it was fully released, but were removed because of how much dick they sucked.

Hostage maps:

  • cs_alley1 - Also known as "sniper alley" - A map darker than a nigger where you can't see shit, unless you buy the extremely expensive nightvision goggles. Was literally only made just as a test for these, except that the goggles were fucking useless when this map first came out, because it was just a green filter on the screen. Tons of windows allowed for stupid amounts of camping in total darkness. This bullshit excuse of a map thankfully never received its sequel cs_alley2_electric_boogaloo.
  • cs_arabstreets - A sand nigger version of cs_italy but even more shit map design. Had an automatic door that could be used to troll other players by closing it on them causing them to die.
  • cs_bunker - Another map that resulted in many trolls and lulz with the terrorists being able to crush the Cunter-Terrorists with interactive doors. Had a stupid third attack path that could only be accessed if CTs built a human ladder, so naturally nobody used it.
  • cs_desert - A very polarizing map that takes place in a desert. Who in their mom's anus would have fucking guessed? Players either hated or loved it and nobody ever went for the hostages. Snipers were as common as rabbits and the map was so badly made that it caused performance issues on machines at the time, which is why it was removed.
  • cs_docks - An actually fun map that got cut for some bullshit reason. Probably a conspiracy to infect CS with bland and generic maps like Dust, or possibly to insult the creator (who also made cs_siege). The mapper probably became an hero because of this. RIP
  • cs_facility - Shouldn't even be counted as a map since the mapper was so goddamn lazy, he just remade a map from the godawful & overrated N64 game Goldeneye 007. The only way you could win this map was if you're a Cunter-Terrorist, who just sprayed down the hallways with a machinegun or shotgun. That's because the map only had ONE path to the hostages, ONE. Not even flashbangs were able to help with that.
  • cs_hideout - Somehow even more T sided than cs_assault, the terrorists could just use the machine gun turret and just spray down the middle where the CTs approached. The map is broken if you're trying to play in 1.6 because the hostages are too retarded to climb ladders.
  • cs_iraq - AKA George W. Bush Simulator 1999 (ZOMG, THIS MAP PREDICTED RAIDING IRAQ FOR OI-er, WMDS!!!!11) allows the CTs to raid an Al-Qaeda camp and then surprise buttsex them. Surprisingly, this part of Iraq actually has WMDs in the hostage room where you could also start griefing by shooting the WMD barrels which killed the hostages and everyone in the area. The map was hated because it A: used the exact same textures as de_dust and B: its layout was too complicated.
  • cs_mansion - Scroll up retard.
  • cs_prison - One of the OG 4 maps in the beta, it is easily the most abdominal titanic pieces of fucking shit a human being has ever made for this game. Confusing as fuck layout and design, vomit inducing textures, and too big for its own good. There is also a sniper rifle and a machine gun stationed on the map, which you can use to commit mass buttfucking to the enemy team. That is if you were even able find people who would want to play this shit, because the map was one of those once-and-never-again failures. Nobody missed this map when it got baleeted.
  • cs_ship - Set in a ship (No wayyyy!) and features the greatest strategy of all: Camping in a single corner with numerous camping spots. Might as well throw in some free tents, sleeping bags, and piss bottles with how much camping there was going on. This map, like cs_facility, also had only ONE path to the hostages and was riddled with tight corridors (aka death traps).
  • cs_station - A trainstation that didn't even look like one. Terrorists could camp directly at their spawnpoint and take the hostages with them into a lot of siderooms that served no other purpose, and ambush the CTs there.
  • cs_tire - Before unleashing the dustfaggotry, the creator of Dust 1 and 2 somehow made a even worse map, where Terrorists could just climb up a hill and snipe the Cunter-Terrorists before they even realized it. It was also so large that players got lost in it and couldn't find each other before the time ran out.
  • cs_thunder - A map set in a dam where players could become an hero by jumping off the dam. Even better if done while rescuing the hostages. Also played the scream sound from de_vertigo when falling. Got a remake for CS:GO that nobody asked for.
  • cs_wpndepot - Short for "weapons depot" and is literally just made entirely out of of Half-Life assets really showing how lazy the mapper was. Also had a huge ass archway for some reason. Since player speeds were way too fast in the beta, the map's gameplay can be summarized to braindead rushing. Meanwhile the great hall was exploited by campers. The map was made by an albino nigger from South Africa though, so it can be somewhat excused as what do you really expect from a subhuman country? (This just in, turns out the mapper was actually white so the redeeming excuses are now thrown out. I guess being a nigger does have its advantages after all.)
  • cs_zoption - Short for "zero option" and pays tribute to Fallout by taking place in Vault 13. Unfortunately the map plays like complete ass and is dark as shit. Maze-like corridors with almost no way to snipe and a horrible layout made sure that everyone would love this map.

Defuse maps:

  • de_fang - A map where players can parkour by jumping on all the rooftops and ninja snipe people with the AWP. Basically Mirror's Edge before it became a thing 9 years later.
  • de_foption - Short for "final option" and is the sequel to cs_zoption that absolutely no one asked for. It tried to improve on cs_zoption, but somehow turned out even shittier. Also has 3(!) bombsites for some goddamn reason.
  • de_jeepathon2k - Scroll up retard.
  • de_railroad - Big ass map that was so big, that it gave both teams trains to ride on, because players were too fucking lazy to walk the map. It was all fun and games until you realized the trains fucking sucked, because you could easily be fucked up the ass by snipers. Boredom was guaranteed.
  • de_rotterdam - Map set in the Dutch city of the same name. Just plays like a generic defuse map. There really isn't much to say about this one - which should set the tone. Next.
  • de_vegas - Scroll up retard.

Assassination maps:

  • as_forest - Players could go innawoods and kill each other in the VIP zone. You could also get a free haircut by jumping into the helicopter blade.
  • as_highrise - The mapper was austistic enough to make the T spawn right next to the VIP escape zone so Ts can just camp and rape the CTs by surprise. Just like in every other assasination map.
  • as_riverside - Another shitty, unbalanced as fuck map where the Ts can just snipe the VIP and the CTs in like 2 fucking seconds. Notice a recurring theme here? CTs were also able to ride boats, which they promptly got sniped out of.
  • as_tundra - Probably the least cancerous assasination map but that's still not saying much. Takes place in Alaska and is horribly inaccurate to the real place because Sarah Palin isn't in the map.

Escape maps: There was a fourth, horrible gamemode that was so AIDS inducing it didn't even survive into the final game. The terrorists had to escape the map, but couldn't buy any weapons or equipment and were instead able to pick up weapons scattered around the map. The Cunter-Terrorists on the other hand could buy as much shit as they wanted and annihilated the Terrorists with their pea shooter glocks in 1 nanosecond. Sounds like so much fun!

  • es_jail - The terrorists have to escape from jail for tax evasion until they get raped by the camping CTs. Players actually liked this map because of its believeable setting.
  • es_frantic - Set in the subways of Jew York City and is somehow even more of a shithole than the real city. To access the weapons depot, Terrorists had to dump three entire glock magazines into a steel grid, which naturally attracted every single CT on the map. This map was so bad and ugly, it almost singlehandedly caused the failure of the Escape gamemode.
  • es_trinity - This map was the replacement for both jail and frantic. Set in a britfag village where the terrorists have to escape to the Church of England. The terrorists are most likely Jews since they arrived on a train from Auschwitz. (And that they're terrorists, duh.). The map was so unpopular that even during Beta 6.5 nobody played it anymore - the coup de grâce for the Escape mode.

Left 4 Dead maps in CSGO

As if Valve can't be original enough.

  • Bank - A reskin of Burger King from Hard Rain
  • St. Marc - A reskin of Plankcountry from Swamp Fever with the addition of a boat in the middle of the map.
  • Sugarcane - Reskin of the bitch-infested factory from Hard Rain.
  • Lake - A reskin of Boathouse from Death Toll.
  • Safehouse - A reskin of Farmhouse from Blood Harvest.


Protip cs.jpg


  • Stand motionless in one spot and shoot people as they spawn ("Camping")


  • Strafe aimlessly around in circles



  • you can kill all players on the server by dividing by zero, OH SHI--


  • spray a porn spray and kill everyone looking at it (including your teammates)

Anything else will be considered cheating. OR:

  • As a Cunter-Terrorist, kill all the hostages and then jump from a high building. This works great if someone from your team is bringing the hostages back to the spawn. This also works as a terrorist, because the Cunter-Terrorists can't rescue them.


  • Go full auto, just like in CoD:MW2.



  • If you get auto-bawlanced, buy a powerful or expensive gun such as the AWP or an auto-sniper, and drop it right infront of an enemy to ensure butthurt from your teamates.

Trolling Opportunities


1 - Easy mode - This is as easy as it can get, sandniggers start wars over laughable things.

  • Find a server from a muslim country
  • Be the guy with most kills in your team (optional)
  • Play until admin goes offline
  • Change your Nickname to FUCK ALLAH
  • Play until getting banned, under death threats for hours.

2 - Easy/Medium - It depends on what kind of a community you encounter. If you encounter right-winged / nationalistic germans, this might not work.

  • Find a server of german origin. They're either called Ballerbude or something related.
  • Be the guy with most kills in your team (optional), play as a camper for bonus points and less stress (but might cause more tension). If you play on CS 1.6, buying the shield will absolutely ensure that you will soak up hatred like a sponge.
  • Play until admin goes offline
  • Change your nickname to ADOLF HITLER or any other well known old-school nazi.
  • Play until getting banned. You won't get death threats here, because most germans are either moralizing pussies or turks.

3 - Hard mode - This requires effort and patience, as it might not always work. Tried and tested, it is possible though.

If you are enough of a fag to play Cunter-Strike: Source, spray this on any Christian server for epic Lulz!
  • Find a server with a stable population and, at best, all weapons available.
  • Give yourself an incredibly stupid or literal name that describes what you're doing in the game. For example: "Camping_Carl" (Known from the old Newgrounds Favicon.png Counter-Stick Flashmovie series on Newgrounds)
  • Get guns that are normally shunned: AWP, automatic sniper rifles or the riot shield.
  • In this literal example, do exactly what your name implies. Camp everywhere, and do it hard. Camp in corners of the map where nobody normally goes, (like far away from the bomb spot, but still in a place that allows killing).
  • Start talking in third person. Either with voice or written, though the latter is very stressful the longer it takes, and to piss people off, good grammar is a must. Start repeating your name at every sentence, whenever you do something, like getting hit ("CARL HAS BEEN SHOT, OH GOD, THEY SHOT CARL!"), getting blinded and so on. Exaggerate every single thing that happens to you and try to show off USI.
  • While doing the above, barely interact with other players and if you do, act as if you're nice and friendly. Excuse yourself for killing people, teamkilling, and other things while being a complete asshole.
  • If you're lucky and teammates and enemies react to your behaviour, you will get extraordinary amount of rage or unintentionally even create fans that cheer your griefing attempts for some strange reason.
  • If unfortunately all of the above failed, you can just go back to teamkilling everyone.


A clan is a group of fags who get together to engage in annoying the crap out of every Cunter-Strike player possible. Those tryhard elite members are usually good at generating anti-lulz. They try to enforce rules on other players, even when they don't belong to their own clan. Clans are usually filled with beta males that have no spine of their own and need to rely on ALPHA NERDS to guide them anywhere, even in life problems. It's pathetic, really.

Competitive Cunter-Strike


Competitive CS is a very admirable profession with several deep, profound layers to it. These layers and leagues are outlined below.

  1. Cyberathlete Professional League: Only pro gamers can be found here. This is the best of the best, they know everything. For the most part, you will never run into these people, and if you do, you probably won't get the chance to talk to them, since getting paid to play a video game is a very serious business. These are the faggots that have huge sponsors and not only have to train the game daily, but are intentionally forced to go to the gym to not look like the retarded losers they actually are. The sponsors obviously don't want the public eye to know the truth. They usually become streamers, as its the only job they can perform after years of playing the same shitty video game and having nothing to show on their resumee.
  2. Cyberathlete Amateur League: Every thirteen year old boy, newfag, oldfag, streamer and tryhard can be found here. The league has four divisions:
    1. CAL Open - This is where every starting, wanna-be professional game starts off. Anyone can join this, including the people who play in the better leagues, making your statistics of winning about 1%. The highest ratio of whining little kids is found here, at an estimated 900%.
    2. CAL Intermediate - Upon magically making it through CAL Open, you will stumble into Intermediate. Absolutely no difficulty change can be found here, other than a higher percentage of people arguing about who the best in CAL IM.
    3. CAL Main - Making it this far is enough to make even the most serious player abandon all hope for an IRL life and pursue a career in gaming. At this point, the only friends you have are on your Ventrilo server, which you made your mom take a second job to pay for. You are now a loyal sponsor-ee to server companies and make the pay of an honest businessman.
    4. CAL Invite - Nobody is allowed here. Only the best people are allowed in here, and it requires a fucking invitation to get in. The last CAL-I invitation was sent out sometime in 2005, but everyone quickly realized Cunter-Strike is the same fucking thing over and over again. People that get to this point quickly move on to Portal or Half-Life.

1. Always blame the other players on your team - Arguably the most important part of being a true pro CS player is the belief that you can do no wrong.

2. Raid public servers and talk shit- It doesn't matter how little experience the other players have, you MUST talk shit to random people on the internet. Several qualified experts have ruled that this egotistical behavior is a result of internet anonymity, while less-qualified but more likely correct experts have settled for the standard "they were molested by their parents" explanation.

3. The other team is always hacking- If your team loses, the obvious reason is that your opposition is hacking. Rage quit the server and find another scrim. Repeat this process until your clan dies.

4. Check Their Steam ID- This is a surefire way to prove that someone is hacking. Check their Steam ID by going into console and typing in status, then running their Steam ID on somewhere official, like LegitProof to find out what leagues they have played in. If their Steam ID is a low number, like 0:000:0022, and they have never played anything competitive, it is perfectly acceptable to accuse the other person and claim they bought their account, same for high numbers.

5. Leagues mean everything- Easily finding ways to rid yourself of the shame of losing (which you should be used to by now) have degraded into simply asking what leagues they have been before playing. If they are in a league higher than you, then you lose. If not, you're better of just quitting.

Social benefits

How to identify a Cunter-Strike player in the wild.

As mentioned earlier, Cunter-Strike is a covert government recruiting tool. One day, in the not-too-distant future, hordes of heavily-armed whiny 7-year old CS players will be air-dropped onto enemy positions, their random bursts of gunfire and cries of "camping fag" distracting the enemy long enough for the entire area to be bombed down to the bedrock. If any CS troops manage to survive, they will be set on fire and launched at the enemy via catapult.

How to tourneyfag in CS

In every game there must be a handful of these elite individuals who will make the game fair and balanced by banning the use of OP equipment. Since tourneyfaggotry is a dying art, you must continue the legacy and here is the basics on how to be a tourneyfag in Cunter-Strike:

General conduct

  • Remember that you are the elite of the elite and it is impossible for any noob to kill you. So if one does manage to kill you, be sure to brand them as a hacker and threaten them to leave the server or else you'll go to their house and rape their entire family. If the plan fails, resort to excessive cursing.
  • Always have an admin as a friend so those faggots will know to obey you. Failing that either make them think that you have an admin friend and show them how much of a socialite you are of befriending a man of such power. Failing that just keep cursing them and call them a haxxor.
  • When your team wins, make sure to take all the credit and even if you have the lowest ass score in the match and accuse your other teammates of being kill-stealers should you ever have said lowest score. If you can't humble them just keep cursing them and accuse them of being noob faggots.
How to play CS on a pro-level
  • If your team should ever lose, be sure to shift every last one of the blames to your teammates since they are noobs and all. This applies even if you were practically camped by that AWP fag all match long and didn't do shit by having 0 kills and the most deaths. If the noobs will not listen to reason, keep cursing and degrading them.
  • If you are only 10 years old and your voice still sounds like a little girl, get voice altering software as no one on the internets will take you seriously. Failing that, just bind: "say Fight harder you scrubs! I'm doing all the work" to a key of your preference.

Hosting a match

  • No grenades, no other weapons except pistols - and with that - be sure to also ban the Desert eagle since it gives an unfair advantage.
  • If you are looking for a better challenge, allow other weapons but ban the following: The automatic shotgun, DE, AWP, MP5, P90, AK47, M4 and any other weapon that manages to kill you.
  • Should one stray from said rules, call him a scrub.
  • Always play in either: de_dust, cs_deathmatch or if you are that merciful: cs_assault. Using any other map will cause you to be a scubbish noob.
  • Make it clear that the planting of the bomb or rescuing of the hostages are done only by scrubs and noobs. If one should ever do the objectives: call them names and threaten them.
  • No self-respecting tourneyfag will be playing without his holy hax! Be sure to always have these running when playing and be ironic by calling other players who managed to kill you while your hax are on haxxors.

Social behavior

  • Whether ingame or in forums, be sure to flaunt your e-penis by being boisterous about your rank on servers. Be sure to also invade welcoming sections in forums and belittle the newbies.
  • If you meet someone with an even bigger e-penis, be defensive about everything he throws at you and keep defending that you are better than him even if you are 5 ranks below him.
  • If someone better than you isn't a fellow tourneyfag, be sure to belittle and humiliate him by mocking him with a litany of insults. If he should ever be perfectly logical about anything, stone-wall him. I mean what does he know, he's just a scrub.
  • Noobs never make any sense no matter how well-thought out and logical their responses are. Keep calling them retarded or noob.

There you go, now you know how to be God in this game.

Online Offshoots

Room cleaning like a pro
Who the fuck wants to play this shit?

Because Cunter-Strike became such a retarded yet popular hit, many game companies decided to jump into the FPS bandwagon and create their own clones of the game, which normally turn out to be a slightly-better-but-not-really-that-better versions of the game. Popular games include:

  • Crossfire
    Crossfire Online is THE closest clone of Cunter-Strike you have, it's based around 1.6 and Condition Zero, but it's F2P and has more weeaboo as it's created by a bunch of Koreans. Same graphics (which is shit) and same game play. The only difference is that you pay for premium content in a free to play game, which really doesn't do crap.
    The thing that separates this game from being a total CS clone, apart from the weeaboo in-game items and additional weapons, is that these have female characters, so now it doubles as a Faps Person Shooter.
  • Soldier Front/Special Force
    While not a total rip-off, Soldier Front is by far, THE most popular FPS based on CS as well as achieving the same notoriety. Soldier Front is basically a combination of CS Beta and Quake II, with more retardation. All Soldier Front versions today, is infested with Hackers, so noone really gives a shit about it anymore, except for Koreans and Filipinos
  • Special Force
    Proving more that Filipinos are illiterate, they renamed Soldier Front to "Special Force", unable to realize that the word Special Force is grammatically incorrect, but again it's for "Special" children, nobody in their community noticed. While this would normally be of no interest, Special Force is THE most popular online FPS in the Philippines and contains the same community as that of Counter Strike: 13 year old illiterate hicks screaming at the top of their lungs how pro they are and such.
  • Alliance of Valiant Arms (A.V.A)
    Shitty clone of Counter-Strike with terrible maps and a pay-to-win attitude. Better get your parents to take out a second mortgage on the house so you can get weapons that aren't complete shit. Filled to the absolute brim with Slavs and Koreans. Only reason people play this shit is to get a special knife in TF2 which exactly the same as the default but looks different.
  • Tactical Intervention
    A shitty Massively Multiplayer First-Person Shooter on the Sauce engine that was very obviously ripped off from Cunter-Strike, copy-pasting the Terrorist and Cunter-Terrorist teams. It also has a fuckton of other extra features that no one cares about. Made by one of the creators of Counter-Strike


Screenshots and other junk About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

  • Steam - What it runs on, aside from consoles.
  • Gamer Countries - The human garbage you will encounter in this game.
  • FPS - What it is, duh.
  • Lamer - What it's filled with.
  • myg0t - That griefer clan that only got so popular because of a flashmovie.
  • C - A detailed description of the rage incident of C-"is that a bazooka?"-note
  • Natural Selection (game) - The old Half-Life mod and long-dead competitor of CS that got its own sequel.
  • Adam Lanza - An Hero who allegedly played this game on his Steam account. He then decided to play this game irl and caused MAJOR butthurt to libtards.

External Links

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