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This article is about IRL police, not to be confused with the internet police.

Your average police officer on patrol.
Not even their brethren are safe.
Next stop: you
Battlefield3: DERSUPERCOP. The thrill of Police Force from the deep outskirts of Sandistan.

Cops (also known as Pigs, Rozzers, 5-0, The Feds, The Filth and Animal Control, though the most accurate term is Thugs with Badges) are the IRL version of mods. They have the power to send you to rape house whenever the mood strikes them, especially if you are a colored person. Cops are hated and feared by Criminals due to their habit of completely brutalizing and unfairly hurting Blacks who dindu nuffin except commit a crime and/or resist arrest. Because they flunked out of grade school, the average IQ of a policeman is the same as that of their favourite prey, the nigger, and are actually threatened by anyone who can use words with more than one syllable. Contrary to The Simpsons, they don't just sit in cop cars all day, eating doughnuts and drinking coffee, but actually spend 90% of their day killing niggers, confiscating weed, making hash brownies, and trolling 911 operators.

The majority of the police force of any given locality is made up of tiny-dicked, insecure rednecks suffering from some of the most severe and visible IRL cases of unwarranted self importance. Some argue that the government created police departments to protect the public by enforcing the governments laws. Police are in fact gangs that the government cannot reign in. So it is in the interest of public safety that you open fire upon any police officers you happen to see. However, if you don't own guns because the government took them away (enjoying your freedom there?), you can read this article for some tips on how to deal with the police.

Origins and Purpose

oink oink

2000 years ago, the "police" as we knew it never really existed, and social order in the medieval shithole of Europe relied upon knights who would spend more of their time killing each other for their feudal lords than actually preventing crime. The modern police is descended from the United States' institutionalised "Slave patrols" because their niggers kept running away from work so much that the government was forced to counter-troll the niggers by shaving pigs and squeezing them into blue pants and a shirt, then giving them guns and cars with pretty, ADHD-placating flashing lights, thus starting 400 years of state-sanctioned, domestic oppression. Their scheme has not worked according to plan and the IRL trolling has become an epidemic. In order to avoid looking as if things have not gone according to plan, they have since changed their mission statement from "To Protect and to Serve" to "Protect (our own skin) and Serve (ourselves)."

Despite there being nigger police, many whitey police officers are still blatant racists. Any action they take against any minority is multiplied by over 9000, since they can send people to the rape dungeon, to be raped until they're 60-something, if they make it that long. They will actually go out of their way to get as many negroids off the streets, which actually makes the ones that succeed a pretty cool guy. It's a known fact that since the police are essentially the arm of the man, they were responsible for framing OJ, turning Michael Jackson white, killing 2-pac, stealing Mitchell Henderson's iPod, WTC, introducing Tiger Woods to all those white wimmins, beating blackie with flashlights, and faking the moon landing.

If you do something bad enough, they may actually drop the final ban-hammer on you with a needle in the ass, and kicking you off IRL. If a slow painful death at the hands of some pussy poison isn't your flavor, try pulling a gun out when pulled over, as it is a proven source of lulz for everyone. Bonus points for shooting the cops then running away. This provides the press with something to cover, the people for someone to root for, and the cops much needed exercise. And when they finally do kill you, you'll be giving thousands of cops all over the nation sweet, sweet release. Because nothing gets these pigs off faster than the thought of a fellow cop gunning down a civilian. Why do you think they got into this business in the first place?

Types of Police Officers

Police brutality.
  • Black Cops - Amazingly, although most niggers are afraid to snitch, let alone go to the police, some go against their kindred, and become cops. Usually steroid abusers who speak in shouting, and act like they belong to a gang, despite the fact they were probably rejected for not being able to sneak enough coke up their ass.
  • Undercover cops - Like the common Jew, these motherfuckers can be hard to sniff out if you don't know how. However, if you aren't a complete retard, they're pretty simple to pick out of a crowd, however be wary around them, as even looking in their general direction will get you busted.
  • State Patrol - The kings of the highway, these are the fuckwits that give you tickets for going 2mph over the speed limit. If you're a woman, you just have to show a little cleave or cry a bit to get out of a ticket, and on occasion, suck one off. If you're a guy, the best bet is to reach through your window and sock one in the testicles, and drive off to make a high speed chase, eventually ending in you driving your car through a tree/off a cliff.
  • Wimmin Cops - Dykes. Women who weren't born with a big stick between their legs, so they carry a big stick at work. The best defense against this type is to also be a dyke. Normal women and men are pretty much out of luck.
  • Snitches - While not technically cops, they are usually considered just as bad or worse. After your average small-time drug dealer gets busted, he'll usually become the cops' informant. Being an informant is a lucrative and personally rewarding career. Until the cop doesn't need you anymore, and subsequently burns you to make his arrest record look better or uses you as a patsy.
  • FBI - The governments police, these guys will come into your house while you sleep, and steal you into the night, never to be heard from again. They can/will erase any trace of you from existence, and will keep any information of you from resurfacing. They control the internet, and some say they control ED.
  • Military Police - These guys see themselves as big deals being both police officers and servicemen despite the fact that you can just drive/walk off their base to avoid arrest (their jurisdiction stops at the gate) and the fact that the ASVAB score requirement for MPs is less than the minimum score to join the military.
  • Correctional Officers - These are semi cops that never had the balls to undergo real cop training. Also known as NotAcOps. ProTip - Put any greasy grimy substance you can find on the doorhandles of your local Jail/Prison. This results in anger and random cavity searches. Be careful, as the women variety usually hold some serious resentment towards male prisoners.

Identifying An Undercover Police Officer

How to properly deal with the pigs.

There are a few ways to spot an officer, undercover or otherwise, in public:

  • The desire to kill niggers
  • Mustaches, with each half inch thick doubling the odds of it being the po-po.
  • Denim that aren't pants. This can include denim shirts, denim jackets, denim hats, denim socks, denim speedos, denim glasses, and denim contact lenses. Undercover only, because everyone knows that drug dealers are too cool for regular clothes.
  • Sunglasses, aviator preferred.
  • Bulges in jackets, usually due to guns, badges, or the actual drugs they steal from dead nigger children.
  • Being white, as all drug dealers are niggers (and the occasional Mexican).
  • Reading a newspaper upside down trying to look nonchalant.
  • Talking with other cops, mostly about that nigger they dragged off the street.
  • Certain phrases from them are dead giveaways. For instance, "You are under arrest", "snort oink snort", and "Donuts? Who said donuts?"
  • A taser to fry niggers with
  • May have a camera crew following them around to document their 'Daring Exploits'
  • If you're in High School, look for that older looking guy that can never be found after school and no one seems to know where he lives or have met his parents but is popular because he has the best car and can get you whatever you want. He'll usually be that dude who just appeared late in the school year and on the first day there already has 2 or 3 really good friends that some people have recently accused as being a snitch. His most obvious cue is, that despite being a junky and a dealer, he is always on time for school.

Cops In The UK

File:Police and terrorist.jpg
British police chill with a terrorist
The MET's modern day recruitment poster[2]
Modern british policing.jpg

In the halcyon days where you could leave your front door open without the fear of being robbed, the local police officers or “Bobbies” as they were called, were seen by the general public as local simpletons in suits. Police procedure in dealing with criminals included:

  • Blowing whistles.
  • Slipping on banana skins.
  • Shouting “I know where you live” as the perpetrator makes their getaway.
  • Running really fast while Yakety Sax plays in the background.
  • [3] if all else fails

This is because until the 1980s and Margaret Thatcher came along, no-one in Britain had anything worth stealing and leaving your front door open was an invitation to burglars to come in and see for themselves that this was the case. The average Briton owned a teapot, a knotted-rag rug, some damp linoleum and a comb. Everyone was happy.

The only crimes that were ever committed were

  • Bank robberies, in which British hoodlums would dress up with stockings over their heads and use a cosh on bank staff (because guns were too hard to get) or dig through from the cellar of the shop next door and spend all weekend trying to enter the bank vault armed only with a blowtorch.
  • Train robberies, OK, there was only one of these, carried out by crooks who realised the money would be easier to steal while it was outside the bank rather than inside it, but everyone still goes on about it to this day.
  • Aristocratic murders, typically poisoning for the inheritance money but occasionally because some insane Lord had managed to pwn his babysitter while trying to murder his wife with the lights turned off.
  • The taking of pies from windowsills, where they had been put after removal from the oven in order to cool down.
  • Disobedient wives refusing to take their sedatives and getting ideas above their station.

In all such cases, the crimes were solved by a taskforce of white children riding bikes, and the bedraggled miscreants handed in to the police, dejected and demoralised, while the police promised the children a slap-up tea at the Hotel de Posh and pocketed the reward money for themselves.

Then suddenly under the reign of Bad Queen Thatch, everyone had money and started buying stuff they didn't need and shutting their front doors to keep their new shit safe. So burglars decided to pick on houses whose doors were closed and it's been downhill ever since.

Today’s UK police officer is an entirely different beast. The Metropolitan Police Farce have taken a leaf out of their US counterpart’s books, not in the way that means using up-to-date methods of forensic science to produce an air tight case against an alleged criminal; but by using deceit, intimidation, hearsay, harassment, lies and fraud, they can make sure even the loosest case is put forward for prosecution.

In contrast to this, the volunteer group The Special Cunt-stubbles (or PCSOs aka 'Hobby Bobbies') are about as effective as a chocolate fireguard.

To Catch a Predator

If you continue looking for loli and CP on the internet, then there's a 99.99% chance of you getting the infamous party van logo on your comp. It is inadvisable to use your friend's, or local library's computer to do so, as this can lead to either getting arrested. Because of their severe retardation, Cops are easy to fool this way, and really don't give a shit who they send to jail, as long as he's black.

PROTIPs for talking to police officer

If you encounter one of these COPs (Cockmongling Overdressed Pig), DO NOT attempt to reason with it. These beasts suffer from severe intellectual insufficiency and will attempt to beat you down with the three sentences they know or, failing that, a big black phallus. Instead:

  1. Ask him why he decided to drop out of high school Kindergarten to become a cop.
  2. Ask the pig if he's Jewish. Cops will really love you for that. Especially if they ARE Jewish.
  3. If it's a nigger, ask him how he live knowing he's selling out 300 years of black oppression by being a cop.
  4. Pretend you don't speak English so you must communicate with a series of grunts and oinks.
  5. Bribe them with a donut when pulled over, or some fried chicken if it's a nigger. Always keep both in your glove compartment for emergencies.
  6. Be concise and to the point when talking to them. They have the attention spans of ADD children on coke.
  7. Ask him if his dick is in proportion to his thumb.
  8. Ask him if his career makes up for him being bullied in high school.
  9. Calmly walk away. Pigs are sensitive to rapid movement and may chase you if you run.
  10. If you happen upon a female officer, smack her hard on the ass. Most female cops are very effeminate and have nothing against men. They may even have sex with you!
  11. Again, in the case of a female officer toss in pet names like bitch, cunt or whore. The more you sound like her father or husband, the better your chances of being let go.
  12. Never pull your car over to the side of the road. (Seriously, what are they going to do, go Mad Max on your ass?)
  13. Police love the crack, try offering them some on the streets to support our boys in blue!
  14. Should your pig become agitated, you may need to euthanize it. Do so by the following means:
    • If male: Firearms are the preferred form of murder, but anything that comes to hand will do the job, really. Beating a pig to death with your cock (if you can find it) means major bonus points. Don't forget to "put two in its head to make sure that it's dead"!
    • If female: Attempt to suck the pig's brains out. Everyone knows that pigs' brains are located in their lower abdomen, so the penis is the easiest route. Suck until the brains squirt out. You'll know this occurs when the pig sighs out its dying breath and you feel the brains fly into your throat.
  15. If all other attempts at negotiation fail, open your car door very fast and bash that fucking pig in the face. If it didn't brain damage him or kill him, he'll be too incapacitated to give you his precious fucking ticket.
  16. Play like you didn't know what you were doing was illegal even though you know full well what you were actually doing. If you speak intelligently and clearly when telling them this then they will be so distracted by your ability to form coherent sentences, that they will let you go with a warning.

Moar tips for dealing with cops

  • Always become highly intoxicated before driving. This way, the cop will know you are a dude who likes to party. They respect that.
  • When you pull over, wait for the cop to approach to roll down your window. Once he's there, blow a bong hit into his face.
  • If you see a young woman who is being immorally arrested, don't think that means you have to sit back and idly watch! Invoke your first amendment rights by filming yourself shouting "Nazi," "Gestapo," and babbling about the ILLUMINATI. The officers involved will quickly realize their mistake, release the young lady, and you will have made a new friend.
  • If you are caught outside the car, or must stop for some important reason, remember to speak to the pig in its native tongue, by oinking. This will make it feel at ease, and you'll see its joy in the increased blush of its skin, and the loud oinks it replies with.
  • When pulled over, it is best to say, "Yeah, I got something for ya, pig" and reach very quickly into your glove box to get your registration.
  • If you are a minority, try going out in white face. You could do pretty much anything you want.
  • Never speak to them. Cops are always trying to size everyone up in the room, and might be trying to get you for something. This is why a lot of internet tough guys are wannabe cops IRL.
  • Odds are you won't get caught speeding anyway, as everyone knows that they go in pairs in order to blow each other until the shifts up.
  • Women should always wear an open shirt, as no non-homo (homo cops exist, promise) officer can resist dem' magnificent tits.

Real Tips for Dealing with Cops

It are a fact. I know because of my learnings. FACTCAT SAYS:
Obey these and live.

Just in case you're a fucking retard and think the "tips" above will amuse the cop, make him sympathize with you, and let you go, you are very wrong indeed. You will quickly be introduced to a whole new vista of pain, at best. However, while he is beating you, just remember you live in the freest country in the world.

Being a drunk, the author of the tips below had his fair share of encounters with the police, some brutal, some rather unremarkable, some very lucky. He's figured out a few things that may help to smooth out an encounter, and he’ll share them with you with the stipulation that he is not a real lawyer, only an E-lawyer who's been arrested a few times too many.

  • Be polite. Always be polite. Always refer to them as Officer, not sir or ma’am (This is what pigs prefer to be called as it strokes their ego and doesn't remind them of their ass beatings they had daily in school). Do not call the cops jackbooted government thugs or “fuckheads” or “stinking dicklickers,” at least not to their faces.
  • If stopped by an officer, you are required under Terry v. Ohio to give your legal name, your address, and your business abroad, i.e. going on a beer run. Give this information freely and politely.
  • Speaking of lawyers, have one, and have his name in your wallet. Always invoke your right to counsel and say that you refuse to speak without your lawyer present. You will rile the cop, which is odd because even the most brain dead pig should be able to count to five, (as in the Fifth Amendment.)
  • If you are ever in the bad situation of being interrogated, the best thing you can do is visualize the word ATTORNEY in big black letters painted on the walls facing you because they will try to interrupt you or stop you in anyway from saying that word. Scream it, hell, demand it from the second the cops declare you under arrest and keep telling everyone you meet in the process of arrest that you want a lawyer. This is not the time to be polite, cuz the procedures pigs follow were created by people a lot smarter than you and they count on the basic human being's desire to be helpful and polite. Don't let them pull rank. Don't be polite and let them finish what they are saying. Don't let them trick you with promises. Don't believe them when they say they only want to hear your side of the story. Remember, cops are allowed to lie but you get charged for it so don't believe whatever comes out of their mouth and tell them YOU WANT A FUCKING LAWYER from the start.
  • Once you have invoke your right to council DO NOT FUCKING RESCIND IT They will try all kinds of tricks like saying that they can help you or if you talk now you can make a deal. The best way you can help yourself is BY KEEPING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND LISTENING TO A LAWYER because as you are paying them, they are the only person on your side.
  • You are legally allowed to challange an unlawful arrest, say that a cop only said that you are under arrest because they have no legal right to detain you and are only using it as a means to keep you there, by just walking away but you'd BETTER BE DAMN SURE and if at all possible, have proof. Dash cams and livestreaming are your friends.
  • Pay for an attorney. Do not count on a public defender because as they are so overworked, they are often in league with the prosecutor and known for playing to them. They will sit there and tell you how they fought for you when all they did was grab the first deal the prosecutor offered. Don't worry about not having the money, depending on where you are or who you call, many attorneys will help you if you make a down payment and make payments. It helps if you have a job for this option to be available and you're not facing charges where you're looking at a lot of time.
  • While we're going down this street, IT HELPS IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING JOB. People with jobs are seen as responsible, having ties to the community and trustworthy by juries and, at times, judges. People with jobs are usually asked to pay lower rates of bail and can usually get alternate forms of punishment, avoiding jail, for first time offenses like drugs, DUI and sometimes assault. Jobs also help when you're being tried as a drug supplier and the prosecutor wants to know how you paid for a $200,000 Ferrari having no known income.
  • Don't be depressed by what you are originally charged with. Cops are trained to just throw out charges and see what sticks. A half-assed attorney can get the bullshit charges removed ONLY IF YOU KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND DEMAND YOUR RIGHT TO COUNCIL.
  • Depending on what State you live in, DON'T COUNT ON SELF DEFENSE AS A LEGITIMATE EXCUSE Depending on the state you're in you will most likely be charged with aggravated assault and felonious assault because you kicked someone's ass defending yourself. If it goes further and you kill them, then expect murder or manslaughter because most states are not like Florida and believe that you can instigate a fight, participate in a fight but so long as you don't win it, you won't be the person getting charged because the person being attacked becomes the aggresor when they start throwing punches. If you try to say that you were being robbed and if they would have succeeded they'd have taken all your money for that week, the judge will simply respond with, "Why are you carrying money when ATM and Debit cards are everywhere?" LISTEN TO YOUR ATTORNEY ON THIS because if you go to court and are found guilty of aggravated assault you will most likely do 18 months because you pissed of the judge as compared to probation by pleading out. Again, depending on the state, those 18 months might have to be done in a jail which is over 9000 times worse than a prison because there is nothing to do and a $10 Wal-Mart radio will cost you $60 because they want to rape your family while, at the same time, helps to cover some of the costs of running the jail with grossly overcharged commissary.
  • You may be under the mistaken impression that you can get out of an arrest because you weren’t read your rights. Wrong. If you are caught in the act of a crime, the cop can charge you and, since he doesn’t need to question you, you don’t need to be read your Miranda rights.
  • If you are stopped while driving, keep your hands on the wheel. Don’t go digging in the glove compartment. Comply with the officers requests, be honest, don’t lie, and be polite.
  • Use the reasonable person argument. Say to the officer something like, “Well, officer, I think a reasonable person in this situation would invoke his right to remain silent, so I’m going to go ahead and do that.” The reasonable person is a legal term, so it carries weight.
  • DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch a cop in a manner that could even remotely be considered hostile. Even bumping into an officer's shoulder can and has been ruled as assaulting a police officer, and the penalties for this are extremely severe as a favorite charge cops like to add for even sneezing in the general direction is that you tried to grab their gun.
  • If you do have something in your car you'd rather the cops not find, but he can't prove it without searching your car, you do have the right to refuse him the right to search your car. Just say "I do not consent to any searches," and do not let yourself be bullied by the cop. They will try to scare you with comments like, "Do you know how fast I can get a warrant?" If it's so damn easy, make the cop do the extra work and get one- don't make their job any easier for them. The truth is, the cop needs a certain amount of evidence to get a warrant and can't get one just because you refused a search. Just remember this little anecdote, when a cop demands to search your car, you are under suspicion as being a criminal. In American law, the criminal is the one with all the rights. Do as Nancy Reagan said and just say no.
  • Also, DO NOT RUN. Running only adds more charges on to your ass and increases your chances of getting curb stomped or shot. Plus, no one likes running. If you make a cop run, he may drop his donut and then get really mad. If you are in a car and drunk JUST PULL THE FUCK OVER because a DUI, a night or two in jail and a couple months of AA are nothing when compared to the shit you're going to bring down on yourself because you had to slam down the throttle. I know people whose lives are super fucked up and wish they could undo that bad decision they made to run.
  • Protip: Don't be an idiot around cops. Smoking out, throwing a brick through a window and writing a bad word on a wall doesn't make you a hardened criminal. Lay off the weed and wash your Che shirt once in awhile because no matter how bad you think the police are, be glad that you are being arrested in the U.S. and not in our closest neighbor of Mexico where the cops are literally criminals with badges and are only arresting you for the ransom they think your parents will pay. For the lulz it could even be Cuba where it's still believed that if you were really innocent, you wouldn't have confessed during that 3 day police beating.

Typical police activity.

They even plant IEDs! All in a day's work!

An Uplifting Message

If you got beef with the C-O-Ps.
Throw a Molotov at the P-I-Gs



The Coup, Pork and Beef

Support higher education.
Send a cop to Kindergarten.



—Al Bundy. Married With Children

About to smoke some pork with my M-16...
Blue-lightin', ticket-writin', doughnut-biting pricks



Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles, All Cops Are Dicks

I got my black shirt on. I got my black gloves on. I got my ski mask on. This shit's been too long. I got my twelve gauge sawed off. I got my headlights turned off. I'm 'bout to bust some shots off. I'm 'bout to dust some cops off.


Body Count, Cop Killer

Philly Cops Haet Internets

As mentioned here and seen on jewtube, it seems that Philadelphia cops hate youtube.
So, if you see a pig in Philly ask him if he actually knows the lawls it's his job to enforce.


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See Also

File:Cops trolled by donut danglers.jpg
Best front-rank disruption tactic evar

External Links

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Article of the Nao May 18, 2011
Preceded by
Rob Levin
Cops Succeeded by
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