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The Columbine High School Massacre (Still a better love story than Twilight) was basically the funniest thing that has ever happened in any high school evar. On April 20th 1999, in Littleton Colorado, American an heroes Eric Harris and Dylan Yassenoff Klebold✡ got over a dozen frags IRL at their local high school after attempting to simulate Doom in the real world. Originally, they planned on blowing up their schools' cafeteria during lunchtime, but their propane bombs failed and they ended up rushing into the school, killing people left and right before turning their guns on themselves and becoming an heroes. Their total kill count was 13, an unimpressive score given how they were using sub-machine guns in the pistol round, and were elevated to "WORST PEOPLE OF 1999" posthumously, for the most violent school shooting spree in American history shortly after Bill Clinton authorized the massacre of thousands of Serbian children.
They held this title for nearly a decade before a gook killed over thirty people at Virginia Tech in 2007,
although Eric and Dylan still hold the high score for high school shooting- in America, that is they were later over taken by Nicolas de Jesus Cruz on the February 14, 2018. German residents Tim Kretschmer and Robert Steinhauser racked up fifteen and sixteen frags, respectively, at their local schools.
In the weeks, months, and years following their killing spree, massive witchhunts were held as trolls, goths, musicians (Marilyn Manson, Eminem), movies (Natural Born Killers, The Matrix), television shows, and anyone not amongst the exclusive ranks of The beautiful people were rounded up and taken to concentration camps as the need to scapegoat anyone for the crimes led to America being whipped up into a frenzy of anti-lulz, and retardation in the biggest moral panic in decades, of the same category of the future 9/11 attacks. Instead of waging a war of terror against innocent sand niggers, Americunts made the lives of teenagers even worse by destroying the lives of any weird or unconventional kids, for dozens of years to come.
Despite happening well over a generation ago, the Columbine High School Massacre still continues to inspire thousands upon thousands of columbine copycats and fangirls to this very day. Like they stated in their manifesto, Eric and Dylan continue to inspire paranoia, fear, copycats, and more terror upon the world, 18+ years after they died. Columbine also has a permanent effect on American culture, if not global culture in general; just try wearing a trench coat to school and see how that plays out for you.
On April 20th (coincidentally Hitler's birthday) Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold forgot to take their Prozac and engaged in final fap sessions while listening to "The Beautiful People," shut the lights off of all reality, got in their cars, skipped homeroom and were late to school (started the day off h4rdc0rE). They arrived, hit the "start button," selected characters, ReB and v0dKa, and decided to go on a killing spree on Level 1 of H4rr15 Levels after spending an entire year planning it out. (They fapped over this for a year and some months) building bombs, buying guns, making movies and writing stories declaring their plans while KMFDM played in the background, and even practicing their killing spree on various first-person shooter games. However, they phailed hard because on their $5 per hour pay they could only afford shit-tier guns and not the TACTICOOL DEAGLEs or P90s that they fapped over.
The Columbine killers assembled an impressive arsenal- well, impressive for the minimum wage budget they were running on. These are the evil tactical sentient mass murder assault weapons that crybaby leftist cocksuckers want to ban:
In addition to this, the two faggots carried a number of knives that they didn't use, along with a number of IEDs of various sizes and designs that they built using instructions from the Internet to blow up the school, but ultimately failed when the vast majority of them didn't assplode. These include:
- 42 carbon dioxide bombs
- 27 pipe bombs
- 11 1.5 gallon propane bombs
- 7 Molotov cocktails (seriously how do you fuck up a Molotov cocktail?)
- 2 20 pound propane bombs
As you can see, gun control laws totally work. Mass murder is only possible with full auto AK-47's. Criminals will totally follow the law and won't ever make homemade bombs or saw off their shotguns, or just go to gun shows to get around background checks. Totally.
|Style:||20/20 manipulation, bomb collection, trenchcoat, ski masks, macabre flair|
|Butthurt:||20/20 Creating a moral panic, inspiring generations of copy-cats, and pissed off the school system for 13 years|
|Total score: 84/100 (B)|
Eric and Dylan apparently had a lot of love and fanboyism towards Marylin Manson and his music according to Old Media. An irony, since in reality, Eric hated that fag and Dylan only had a poster of the band but rarely listened to it. Manson took part of the blame because angry parents mistakenly believed that the two fags were obsessed his music. They also hated Hitler, or at least Klebold did. Even more interesting was that he was a Jew. In addition, Klebold was born on 9/11, 1981; 20 years before WTC. No, srsly. Coincidence? Harris meanwhile admired both Hitler AND Osama Bin Ladin, with Harris regularly IMing Osama and telling him all about the various mass murder schemes that Harris dreamed up at night while masturbating to crime scene photos he downloaded off of the Internet. Most notably, Harris is the one who gave Osama the idea of flying planes into buildings, making Eric Harris the REAL man behind 9/11.
Afterward, EVERYONE who loved to censor society felt the need to blame just about everything in pop culture as the cause of the killing spree, such as Eminem, Doom, and even Goths, despite the killers hating goth culture and rap music. Others tried to blame the Victim, by bringing up the fact that Columbine High School was a literal hell on Earth, where a violent Jockocracy, ruled by the worst of the worst of the school's student athletes, had complete and total control of the school. This was only further worsened by the school's ass-kissing teachers/administrators who allowed bullying to run rampant and was just asking for their students to take up arms and literally take the school back in violent revolution taken straight out of the history books tales of the American Revolution.
Of course, at the time it was unknown that Eric Harris was a complete and total sociopath who would have grown up to be a serial killer or the guy in special forces who goes insane in the field killing Iraqis, and has to be put down by his fellow soldiers. Or that his lover, Dylan Klebold, was a closet homosexual who let Eric fuck him in the ass and face and followed him with his plot, with Eric manipulating Dylan's emo-ness and submissive nature.
In Littleton, Colorado born and raised Making pipebombs was where I spent most of my days Luvoxin' out Doomin' KMFDMin' all gay And all settin' some time bombs outside of the school When a couple of jocks Who were up to no good Started making fun of the way I dressed I shot 18 kids and the cops got scared, They said, "You're movin' with Ted Bundy and Jeff Dahmer in prison!" I called for the cops and when they came near The license plate said jocks and it had footballs in the mirror If anything I can say this car was rare But I thought "Now forget it" - "Yo ReB, to the commons!" I pulled up to the school about 10 or 11 And I yelled to the cops "Natural Selection" I looked at my high school I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Counter-Strike irl.
Columbine was ruled for years as the deadliest School Shooting evar, until it was surpassed by the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007. Of course, Virginia Tech is a college (and was committed by an Asian), so some argue that Columbine is still number one even though it took two people to kill 13, and even then, centered around a bunch of bombs that weren't built right and didn't fucking go off. Harris and Klebold were clearly trolling after killing ten people; Cho was trying too hard.
Some argue that Eric and Dylan were lovers and that Jews did Columbine or that Dylan just fell mugu to Eric's plan. What is funny about this though, is the fact that Dylan and Eric were actually part of a Jewish power movement bent on exterminating non-Jews, causing much lulz to people smart enough to research lolumbine. The fact that Klebold was born on September 11th, 1981, and his fag friend 'Reb' wanted to hijack a plane and crash it into the World Trade Center is enough evidence to support this hypothesis. This also made the gods of irony cum instantly upon hearing the "Friends of Rachael Club" say that Eric and Dylan were "Hitler worshipers".
In one of their videos called "Hitmen for Hire" (having previously featured a member of staff from the school), the boys proclaim themselves to be the white knights of those abused at the school by the jock shitheads, suggesting they would be targeting specific cliques for eradication. When the day finally arrived and the shooting began, it appears the ultra surge of orgasmic, delirium-inducing adrenaline pulsing through their minds took over, and they began shooting randomly, indicating a potential epic fail with regards to the mission objective - the boys did not have the bomb. They did, however, have an example of why terrorists should test DIY bombs prior to putting them into service when using The Anarchist Cookbook as primary reference material. The selection of an indiscriminate killing weapon (Propane tank bomb) forms a second disparity with the viewpoints from their white knight videos.
Casualties of war
- Rachel Scott: 17/yo Stacy who was among the first casualties. We cover her in more detail later on in the article.
- Daniel Rohrbough: 15/yo nerdy kid. Police incompetence with reporting his death, and conspiracies lead the family to believe that SWAT accidentally pwn'd him.
- Cassie Bernall: 17/yo obsessive christfag. Many believed her to be the girl who was asked "Do you believe in god?, making her another martyr for religious freaks. We also have a segment about her below.
- Daniel Mauser: 15/yo nerd who was a shining star to the planet. Sadly, the fag Eric Harris brutally murdered him. His dad, Tom Mauser, would later go on to fight hard for Gun Control, which certainly stopped the Aurora Theater Shooting.
- Isaiah Shoels: 18/yo nigra and jock who was called a nigger and murdered. His parents cried 'muh racism' and fled the evil bigoted state of Colorado to flee to more liberal pastures - Texas.
- William "Dave" Sanders: 47/yo man who taught computer and business skills at the school for 25+ years. Upon discovering what was beginning to hatch out, he directed hundreds of students to safety. He was shot and critically wounded, leaving him to bleed to death while SWAT was too pussy to infiltrate the school and failed to stop 2 retards. This, along with the deaths of library students, caused extreme controversy. Verdict? Fuck the police.
- Brian Anderson: 17/yo injured by glass after Eric spotted him and shot a door. In interviews, he revealed that he was targeted due to wearing a white hat- a sign that he was a jock.
- Richard Castaldo: 17/yo who was shot along with Rachael Scott at the beginning of the bloodbath. Although he survived, he was left permanently paralyzed and crippled, bound to a wheelchair. He was part of Michael Moore's movie, Bowling For Columbine. He was also semi-supportive of the Super Columbine Massacre RPG game.
- Jennifer Doyle: 17/yo generic Stacy who got shot
- Stephen Eubanks: 16/yo who was best friend of Corey DePooter. Another jock douchebag
- Nicholas Foss: 18/yo generic douche jock type
- Sean Graves: 15/yo dude who got shot in the back. Played dead while Dylan stepped over him. Probably saved his life.
- Makai Hall: 19/yo jap invader. Got interviewed by CNN
- Anne Hochhalter: 17/yo chick who got injured. Her mom would later an-hero.
- Patrick Ireland: 17/yo jock. He was the guy who fell down the windows to SWAT. Was the first to think up and propose within local communities by arming school teachers with firearms in order to prevent school shootings.
- Michael Johnson: 15/yo guy with the most generic name ever.
- Joyce Jankowski: 45/yo teacher.
- Mark Kintgen: 17/yo ugly nerd who noticed the school message board read "Today is not a good day to be here." He got shot in the fucking head yet this nerdy son of a bitch survived.
- Lisa Kreutz: 18/yo cute chick who luckily survived, but never spoke about what happened. Believed to be a ✡
- Lance Kirklin: 16/yo boy who was friends with Brooks Brown and a few others. Got shot in the face, breaking off huge parts of his jaw and bones. Somehow was able to recover, and continued to hunt with his dad. At a town meeting attended by then-president Bill Clinton, he spoke up in defense of gun rights, triggering liberal fags.
- Adam Kyler: 16/yo guy who looked like what would happen when you press "Randomize" on the Oblivion character creation menu. He got harassed a lot by Dylan
- Stephanie Munson: 17/yo chick who got shot in the foot who somehow managed to run the fuck out of the school and get help.
- Patricia Nielson: 35/yo known as the annoying bitch in the Library calls to 9/11. STUDENTS DOWN UNDER THE TABLES!!!!1
- Nicole Nowlen: 16/yo chick who looked like a 40 yo.
- Jeanna Park: 18/yo barely legal gook chick who was unsurprisingly an A+ student.
- Kacey Ruegsegger: 17/yo chick who got shot and was told to "Quit your bitching". Her story was an integral part of Lolumbine lore.
- Valeen Schnurr: 18/yo who was the real chick who was asked if she believed in god.
- Daniel Steepleton: 17/yo kid who provided lots of false information to the pigs
- Evan Todd: 15/yo jock asshole who was unfortunately spared by Dylan.
- Mark Taylor: 17/yo new kid who was at the school for only 3 weeks before he was injured via ballistic trauma- a new record for an American student!
Despite the caucasian chimpout being long over, Columbine left an invincible wave of destruction to forever plague the victims and their families, and people all over the world.
- Dozens of People: A huge chunk of mass shootings, and nearly all school shootings, connect to Columbine in a way, as the massacre opened up a pandora's box, spawning copycats and helping to turn the act of ass murder into a meme for losers to follow.
- Greg Barnes: This guy was the friend of Matthew Kechter who was shot to death in the shooting. The overwhelming sorrow of brutally losing his best buddy helped to push this troubled teen over the edge. Shortly after the first anniversary of the attack, this guy killed himself via hanging, while he listened to the song "Adam's Song" by Blink 182. This caused significant drama in the already-shocked community.
- Carla Hochhalter: Mother of Anne Hochhalter, who was injured in the attacks. Carla was severely depressed before Columbine, but the event pushed her over the edge. She killed herself at a gun store in front of around a dozen witnesses.
Rachael Scott was some stupid cunt who made the mistake of eating outside the front door of Columbine High School the day of the grand Caucasian chimpout spree. She caught a few dozen rounds in the ass and tits and died. This caused many Christfag family members to instantly bawwww over the loss of their little girl (also known as Missing white woman syndrome). They then decided to market her. They said that "she envisioned changing the world" and that in her bullet-ridden notebook she drew a picture of a plant crying "9 tears". Those "9 tears" were apparently a psychic vision made by the dead bitch.
Friends of Rachael Club
So the hillbilly fucks started a group/way to profit off from the death of a family member, called the "friends of Rachael club". Basically, they troll the hallways of high schools asking people to be nice to random wapanese and animefags and asking for donations. Only fat losers, cunts with no boyfriends, furries, and dykes are in the friends of Rachael club. To sell the groups image they had a random hick they paid in moonshine say he was Rachael’s uncle, and that Eric and Dylan were Nazis. When he said this, schools everywhere then shat bricks and exclaimed in the genius fashion that only high schoolers can achieve, "HITLER IS BAD!!!1ONEONEONE" Many other students then responded by closing the pool and forming 8 man swastigets.
tl;dr Rachael got owned and family is butthurt.
I'm Not Ashamed
Seventeen years after Columbine, the family STILL tries to profit off the death of their daughter; this time, they've contracted a team to make a movie about the dead bitch. The only ones to give good reviews are typically religious nuts. There are some reports that numerous Columbiners went to see this movie whilst wearing a trenchcoat.
Urban legend has it that one of their victims, a girl named Cassie, was reading a Bible in study hall when the two stormed in and started trolling IRL. The less socially awkward boy noticed this and allegedly asked her, "Do you believe in god?" to which she answered "yes" and was beaten to death with a crowbar. IRL none of this actually happened, as he simply shot her after saying "Peekaboo". The last person to see her alive said that her last words were "Dear God. Dear God. Why is this happening? I just want to go home," one of the whiniest things heard by man, so the shooter was obligated to shoot her. Her parents have since milked the story to make lots of money as neither of them have a conscience. She has since become an hero to the cult of Christianity.
People try to use Cassie's death as a way to prove the so-called oppression of the Christians in today's society, forgetting the rest of the godless heathens who were shot up that day. PROTIP: They all fucking deserved it.
Until, of course, you point out to them that no one asked Cassie a goddamned thing and that the question was really directed at another girl, Valeen Schnurr (who lived through the massacre, but didn't get the credit due to her incredibly stupid-sounding name). Survivors are nowhere near as marketable as corpses.
Eric Harris, when he wasn't building bombs or fucking his boyfriend or dreaming up new ways to kill people over IRC with Osama Bin Ladin, had a number of web pages, where he pioneered the anti-joke, mirrored here.
JO mamma's kitchen lights are SO bright that you can see grease, dust, or any other bad thing in need of seeing.....JJJEEAAAA!!!!!!!!!
JO mamma sees so many stray dogs in her neighborhood that she talks the humans society a lot.....JJJEAAAAA
Jo mamma likes cheesecake so much that she makes a pretty good one herself!....whenever she wants!......one......JEEEYAAAAA!!!
Jo mamma has said the word carrot so many times, that she is very good at pronouncing it! JEEEEYAAAAA!!!''
Insults done by REB, VoDkA, and KiBBz (a friend of theirs IRL).
OMG there's an RPG!!!
Fun ways to troll Columbine survivors
Go ahead. It's as easy as 1-2-3!
- 1.) Look up the Columbine survivors (their names are listed all over the net)
- 2.) Log onto Facebook
- 3.) Type one of the survivor's names in the Facebook search bar
- 4.) If you find that one of the supposed survivors has an existing account, make sure it is the exact person
- 5.) Send them a message explaining how "sorry" you are for their experience
- ???) Wait for a genuine reply
- PROFIT!) After they have replied, send them a link to this page :)
BONUS ROUND!!1 - If they reply to you (and don't block and ghost you) take screencaps of it and put them below this sentence!
The basement tapes
|For a comprehensive gallery, please refer to Columbine Gallery. Please keep only the best pictures below. Otherwise, put your pictures on the Columbine Gallery page.|
- Charles Manson - Wrote an essay about him
- Timothy McVeigh - Wanted to surpass him but failed
- Doom & Eminem - Brainwashed by these to go postal.
Inspired to follow their lead:
- Columbine Copycats - For a detailed list, please check out this page.
- Vladislav Roslyakov - Tried to copy Columbine, and actually succeeded.
- Ryan Schallenberger - Also tried to copy Columbine, but failed.
- Cho Seung-Hui of the Virginia Tech shootings massacre - Mentions their names in his manifesto.
- Adam Lanza - Was obsessed with columbine before his shooting spree.
- TJ Lane - Wore a "KILLER" T-shirt to mimic the "WRATH" and "Natural Selection" T-shirts worn by them.
- Pekka-Eric Auvinen - Plagiarized their dairies in his manifesto.
- Jeff Weise - Trenchcoat, same music, liked Columbine-based movies, nazi-philia, shooting threat on 4/20, and also asked people if they believed in god.
- Chris Harper-Mercer - Like weise, also copycatted the "Do you believe in god" line.
- Kimveer Gill - Fanboi autist of Reb & VoDKa who managed to only rack up 1 single kill.
- Randy Robert Stair - Mentally ill tranny autist freak who became a Columbiner and wanted to go for the high score after learning about Columbine.
- Matthew Murray - Plagiarized Eric Harris constantly.
- Alex Hribal - Claimed to have been possessed by the spirits of Reb & VoD and forced to carry out an attack.
- Lindsay Kantha Souvannarath - Along with two other fags, attempted to copycat columbine but got arrested b4 the plan kicked off.
- Lynn Ann - The most dedicated fangirl in lolumbiner history.
- William Atchison - Tried to emulate his two heroes, but failed miserably.
- Super Columbine Massacre RPG - Game inspired by the incident
- School Shooter: North American Tour 2012 - Another game inspired by the incident
- Defense Industries Organization
- Dillon Cossey
- Marjory Stoneman Douglas School Shooting
- Mark Essex
- Natural Selection (game)
- Patrick Purdy
- Thomas Watt Hamilton - UK's version of Eric Harris
- Sandy Hook
Play at home versions
Try for the high score with these games!
- Eric's Doom WADs (said to be srsly lame but bloody) and some Quake stuff (only the readmes thar, awww, noes!)
- Super Columbine massacre RPG: The Disclaimer says this game is intended to deepen the understanding of the shooting and its possible causes but we know this game was actually made for the LULZ!
- Columbine Reinactment Mod - Got GMOD? Load this into the game and go apeshit!
Old shit from the 90s and early 2000s
- Columbine Parody Site - tricked lots of retarded boomers back in the day.
Info pages / resources
- Amazon supports this Exploitation site - Site has some good media, a lot of whining, and more disinformation.
- The most comprehensive video gallery relating to lolumbine yet!
- An incredibly detailed page on the whole thing from start to finish with a detailed timeline, reports, evidence, and media. Seriously, this woman has way too much free time.
- Columbine Victim's Death & Crime Scene Pictures
- LOL fanbois
- Proof Jews did Columbine
- First and best movie treatment so far.
- AMA from a Lolumbine Student
- AMA from Brooks Brown, former BFF of Dylan IRL
- Columbine 1999 Yearbook
Old news articles
- Denver Post articles from July 1 1999 to Nov 30 2000
- Denver Post articles from Dec 1 2000 to April 7 2001
Modern news articles
Columbine is part of a series on Education
[Go To School]
|Columbine is part of a series on
[Embrace your inner darkness]
|Featured article April 20, 2009|