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A collector is that certain type of person that surrounds and buries themselves with plastic pressed garbage, that normal, sane people would call a horde or a shitstorm of junk existing from wall to wall. They keep their head to toe pile of uselessness in the hopes that their junk collection will go up in value while they give up more and more space in their basement apartment to this ever growing obsession of collecting crap for the reason that they need it.

While most people would be content with one or two figures from their favorite comic or manga, the collector has an innate desire to possess every piece, in every variant form that has been pressed.

Already have the Sailor Moon figure with the blue magical wand? Well they just put out a variant with pink magical wand at 3 times the cost of the original that is missing from your collection so you now have to go out and buy it.

The collector's obsession is often seen in the lifeless and lonely that come to believe that every figure that they collect is another friend or can be used as a conversation starter for when they meet someone new but what Adult really wants to have what starts off as a mature conversation and digresses into an eight hour long, boring talk about how you have every Star Wars lego collection set on the market, including the ones that are no longer in print.

Why They Collect

Psychologists would say that they are trying to fill an empty void in their soul that was created when they lost something important on a psychological level, the lacking of something they desire such as a girlfriend, are trying to cope with the loss of a family member, have become so enamored with the show that they think collecting the show's products makes them a part or member of that show or that by collecting all the pieces being released gives them a goal to seek out and collect all the figures or trinkets being released.

The truth is, they're just fucked in the head and all the blame lies on their Mommies and Daddies because they support their inane obsession by letting them stuff their room and the house's basement with this shit that they call collectibles, believing them when they say that in 10 years they'll be able to sell their collection off and pay for college

Has there ever been a market for 1990s Bat Girl plastic cups from Taco Bell?

No! There hasn't and there won't be in the foreseeable future.

All their parents are doing is ensuring that they're future manchild will be working at minimum wage, at a toy store, for the rest of their life because while other kids were learning algebra and calculus - their kid was in front of the tv memorizing the bust sizes of all the Sailor Sccouts

Who Collects

Your overzealous collector is usually the Aautistic type that can't make friends with people due to their garbage smell, lack of people skills and the fact that they often personify the objects in their possession to the point that they take on a life of their own where the autistic retard gives their collectibles personalities and interacts with them like they were real.

Hating change, this type can not be reasoned with and are often left to their own devices allowing them to fill every nook and cranny with what currently will make them happy at that moment which ends with one junk pile piling up on another pile again and again until their collection finally comes crashing down on them, killing them to the benefit of society.

If it needs to be said after all of the above, collectors are mostly the lonely and outcasts of society trying to fill the missing void of loneliness with objects to the point that it becomes their whole life and foundation for being.

Why Collecting Is Stupid

The reason the first Action Comics comic book is worth half the national debt is because there are few of them in existance making it a sellers market for the owner of the comic. On the other hand, with 50 million Evangelion Dolls in existence there is no rarity in them and anyone looking for one can find one easily on ebay or ordered from any ComicoBook shop.

In ten years the Action Comics #1 will still be worth a billion dollars while your shrinky dink collection of the justice league will have stayed the same in price unless there was some mistake in the printing making it rare.

In other words the key to value) is rarity. The rarer the item the more it's worth. If you want to see your plastic, vinyl pressed Dragon Ball Z collection go up in value than you might have to wait 50 years for it to become sought after for its rarity because figures were thrown out or have been broken causing a decline in mint condition figures.

Junk Just Waiting To Happen

While your overwhelming collection of McDonalds Shrek glasses might have value to you and you're sure that the speculative market will have them appreciating in value some time soon they are just garbage waiting to happen.

On your last day, as you lay in bed clutching your favorite Puss in Boots glass - five days later when you start to stink up the place all that is going to happen to your carefully preserved treasured objects is that they will become part of a landfill in New Jersey because you put your collection before everything in your life and having no heirs and living in a low rent apartment all that is going to happen is your body will be shipped off to be incinerated and the collection you were so proud of will be in the dumpster waiting to be picked up.

Avoid all this and kill yourself now because there's no changing the fact that you will be an 80 year old loser fawning over your useless collection of shit and trying to lure Little girls into your apartment with promises of candy.

How To Tell If You're A Collector/Hoarder

  • Do your parents avoid coming into your room or avoid the basement because they can't navigate through all your shit?
  • If the last time you saw the floor in your bedroom can be counted in months you're probably one.
  • If you take pictures of yourself, with your junk pile, to post on the internets to brag because you think you have the end all - best collection there is.
  • If the offer of a free 1 in 100 run of a collectible of your choice or getting pussy were to happen and you take the 1 in 100 run item.
  • Your parents walk past your room, stop and sigh.
  • Your goal is to have two of every item released so you can have one boxed and the other unboxed.
  • People actively avoid you and go out of their way to do it because any conversation with you will end up being about you hoarde.

How To Troll Collectors

  • Tell them that they're doing the adult version of playing with toys.
  • Purchase a rare out of print item and burn it on camera; proceed to upload it on YouTube/whatever other file sharing site and post it on retrofag forums or Resetera.
  • Remind them ad nauseum that they have no life.
  • Tell them that when they get put in the old folks home they won't get to keep their toys.
  • Call their collection junk on a shelf
  • Tell them that they are one phone call to the board of health and seeing everything they so meticulously collected get hauled away
  • Tell them that their collection has no value in the real world and they're the one that has placed the value on nothing.
  • Tell them that they are trying to fill a hole, such as their lack of being loved, with things.

See Also

Collector is part of a series on Dying Alone

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Their Methods

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