Client 9

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Spitzer tries to swallow his own face to escape his shame.

Eliot Spitzer was the Governor of New York and a massive Jew. He's famous for doing a lot of things like protecting New York's environment, prosecuting white collar criminals when he served as Attorney General of New York, fighting against internet fraud, and proposing a bill that would legalize same sex marriage. Client 9 was once known as "the smartest man in the room" who boasted of having a perfect LSAT score. However, what Eliot will forever be known for is announcing that he fucked a bunch of hookers in Washington D.C. to a live TV audience. This garnered the same sort of reaction that New Jersey's governor Jim McGreevey got when he announced that he "was a gay American," and when Washington, D.C.'s mayor Marion Barry was caught doing crack, and proclaimed "BITCH SET ME UP."

Hookers and...well...a Different Kind of Blow

March 7, 2008 started off like any other day for Eliot. He had his breakfast of a gentile baby with some coffee and grapefruit. His peace was interrupted by a phone call from the FBI. Turns out they had been investigating a high-end prostitution ring that charged $1,000 to $5,000 an hour to privileged clients. Eliot Spitzer was about to be outed as Client #9. The Partyvan had been parked around the corner and had apparently wiretapped the hotel that Spitzer frequented with his high-class escort fuckbuddies.

Eliot's was outed first by the IRS. Spitzer's bank had informed the IRS of a series of inconsistencies in Spitzer's finances. They had noticed that he had made a huge transaction of jew gold into an account run by a front company for the prostitution ring. The feds then flagged the transactions because:

  1. They thought someone was impersonating or extorting him AND
  2. He had tried to transfer more than $10,000, prompting an investigation under the Bank Secrecy Act.

The IRS quickly reported this irregularity to the FBI who launched a full scale investigation of the company Spitzer had transferred money to, expecting some form of corruption. Instead they found a whole lot of people with unlimited disposable income paying for some primo trim. They arrested the leaders of the ring about a week before Spitzer was told the news.

As details emerged from the prostitution ring the public asked for moar. The newspapers scrambled to oblige. The prostitution ring, now known as the Emperor's Club VIP Escort Service, had over 50 "diamond rated" ready and willing to fuck out of several major cities. When the FBI investigation happened, the clients were assigned client numbers only if they really merited investigation, i.e. if someone recognized them or if they paid $31,000 to keep a 7-star hooker for a day. To date, only one other client has been theoretically ousted - Client 6, one Gerald Grosvenor the 6th Duke of Westminster and the richest aristocrat in England.

Ashley Alexandra Dupree Ashley Youmans - The Hooker With a Heart of Gold

You know you'd spend over 9000 internets for an hour with her

Thanks to 1337 hackers on steroids, the internet has found the hooker who took a mouthful of Eliot Spitzer's cock. Dox were dropped literally all over the damn place, from the esteemed newspaper USA Today to the vaunted NY Post. She's one of the middle of the road hookers available through the now defunct escort service - a fact confirmed with the news that she is from Monmouth County, New Jersey. It is not known at this point whether or not Ashley is Kosher, but with that nose it looks like a distinct possibility.

She left 'a broken family' at age 17, having been abused, according to the MySpace page, and has used drugs and 'been broke and homeless.'


—The New York Times

well at least he fucked her hard

Fun Fact: The FBI recorded Spitzer meeting with Dupree the night before Valentine's Day. I'm sure his wife is thrilled at the news.

Gallery of Whoredom

I'D HIT IT --Littlemudkip.gifLittlemudkip.gifLittlemudkip.gifOldDirtyBtardLittlemudkip.gifLittlemudkip.gifLittlemudkip.gif WUT? 21:49, 12 March 2008 (CDT)

Seconded.--ByAppointmentTo 07:59, 19 April 2008 (CDT)

All in favor of hitting that? Say, "Aye!" -- Captain Tripps 00:11, 29 April 2008 (CDT)

Milking the Profits

Ashley has proven to everyone that you might be able to take the ho out of buisness, but you can't take the buisness out of the ho. She's cashing in like a bandit on her newfound fame, much to the chagrin of the internet. Larry Flynt has already offered her a million dollars for a spread in Hustler, and Vivid Video is currently working out a proposal to have her "star" in one of their "hurry up let's cash in on this bitch before the world forgets" uber-porn tapes. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS, it turns out that the whore already posed nude for Girls Gone Wild! Currently anon is searching hard to deliver epic win of known lesbo sex.

It'll save me a million bucks, It's kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch."


—GGW fag Joe after a stint of prison raep for filming accidental cp

This means the cunt will have to suck on moar cocks to eat again.

Meanwhile the internet has gone wild for her tepid musical offerings, as is shown by these comments from the website hosting her club-ready auditory abortions for a dollar a pop:

I know what you want, you got what I want, I know what you need. Can you handle me?


—Ashley's hit single, What We Want

Only 98 cents? I thought it was five thousand bucks for the hour. What a steal.


—DanVollmayer, speaking for all of us

WARNING! I DO NOT! RECOMMEND THIS SONG! I was watching Fox news and I see you are THAT HARLOT who used the Internet to lure men into PAID SEX!! Enjoy your 30 pieces of silver while you can because you have been reported to the administrator of this website, and as soon as I find out who is the ISP for New York, NY I will report you to them as well!


—Edna_Bambrick, being an idiot

The fact that this money-craving bitch lacks any talent whatsoever hasn't stopped her from getting airtime on New York's pop music radio station, Z100. Also rumored to be in the works are major interviews with tabloid magazines, a book deal, and a movie. Once a whore, always a whore.

There is some good news. The administration and tenants of the swank Chelsea apartment complex where she was staying were very unamused with the hundreds of members of the press clogging up their $4,000-dollar-a-month building and have kicked Ms. Dupree to the curb. Now she's once again a homeless prostitute.

It's also been rumored that Paris Hilton was at one point an escort with this agency. This might help explain the sudden rise in STD rates amongst upper class white teenage males.


Eliot quickly launched into recovery mode. He told his staffers on the ninth. Someone told the NYT and Spitzer had to pull an In b4 devastating news. On the 10th he called a press conference and made the third best announcement by a politican in American history (trumped only by McGreevey and Budd Dwyer), that he did indeed fuck a hooker and that she did indeed inhale. The icing on this delicious Jew cake was that he had to do this standing next to his extremely pissed-off looking wife. At least he's not a fucking faggot like Larry Craig or Mark Foley.

The possibility remains that after his metaphorical goatseation by the irony gods, Spitzer faces IRL goatseation by Bubba (because hardened criminals in federal penetentiaries love prosecutors) for violating the Mann Act, a federal statute preventing the transport of prostitutes across state lines. It was a crime Spitzer prosecuted at least 100 times during his legal career.

Nevertheless, this is New York (Moar like JEW York, AMIRITE?), where the weak and exploitable are flayed and eaten. The newspapers jumped on the story like niggers on a watermelon. Thanks to them we now know such lulzy things as:

The stock market jumped almost three percent (around 500 points) when the news that Spitzer was in deep shit got announced, largely because they all hated him for regulating them so much. Parties were held all over Manhattan that night by rich white men. Fittingly, the highlight of these parties was the hookers and blow.

His replacement

Alright, which one of you crackers called me Blind Melon Chitlin? No really, I can't tell, I'm fucking blind. :(
Pool's Closed due to Budget Cuts AIDS.

He was replaced by a blind black person named David Paterson, AKA renowned down-home blues artist Blind Melon Chitlin. We aren't even kidding. Srsly.

Let me reintroduce myself: I am David Paterson and I am the governor of New York State!


—David Patterson

Allow me to re-introduce myself, My name is HOV H to the O-V, I used to move snowflakes by the O.Z!


Jay Z

Its also fun to note that he has already admitted to previously cheating on his wife multiple times, sometimes with state employees. Oh yeah, his wife admitted to cheating on him too, so I guess it's OK. In early 2010, he announced that he would not be running for reelection later that year, but was instead going to accept a job offer as a crossing guard at a night school for deaf people.


Rod eating face.jpg

Movin' on Up

Spitzer's new TV show

Oddly enough, it looks like getting fired was the best thing ever to happen to Eliot Spitzer. After somehow convincing his wife to not divorce the shit out of him, he started appearing as a talking head on CNN and a guest anchor on MSNBC. The income earned from this - not to mention public speaking arrangements and other media events - means that he's making way more now than he ever did as a public servant.

He has his own CNN primetime show (replacing token hispanic Rick Sanchez), proving that you can, indeed, fuck bitches get money. His cohost is conservatroll Kathleen Parker, the woman who wrote an article asking Sarah Palin to remove herself from the 2008 election due to sheer stupidity, and who called Glenn Beck (who raped and murdered a girl in 1990) an alcoholic attention whore. The show is like The View as interpreted by your high school student council.

Client 9: The Movie

Cockshots and Other Obligatory Bullshit



See Also

Client 9
is part of a series on Politics.
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