Christopher Hitchens

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Hitchens after half a bottle of Budweiser.
Pissing on his own feet.

Christopher HitchensFedora icon.png (aka "a drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay") was an atheist, anti-religious troll and staunch supporter of the Iraq War. A constant victim of trying too hard, he claimed to have had homosexual intercourse with two high-ranking Conservative members of the British parliament, but that's a lie, because all autistic fags are virgins. Once Hitchens had discovered that he was a whopping 1/32nd Jewish he swiftly transformed from a moderate critic of Israel into a slobbering neocon zionist.

Hitchens' gradual decline from an occasionally drunk journalist and author who constantly ranted about shit nobody cares about into a politico-fawning, thoroughly sloshed faggotron was evident from even a cursory examination of his sizable body of work.

Having left The Nation, Hitchens began to serve drinks at Imperialist-apologist Western Elite Cafe, which is located in SOHO. In his spare time, he and fellow atheist Richard Dawkins would suck each other off in hotel rooms or circlejerk each other online.

In a stunning and unexpected twist of events, Christopher Hitchens was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, proving that bullshit is a carcinogenic. He later died on December 16th while in the process of undergoing a deathbed conversion to Christianity. Members of the New Atheist cult mourned their loss, while the few theists who actually knew this fuck existed rejoiced.

Discovering That God Doesn't Exist At Age 58

Hitchens' secret double life led him into the existential despair of atheism

As Operation Oilraqi Faildumb descended into utter failure, Hitchens realized that being a contrarian only made you popular and wealthy if you said something that everybody agrees with already, i.e. not actually being a contrarian at all. He therefore set out to become a mega ultra super genius by pretending to be the first person in history to deny the existence of God as obviously atheists definitely did not exist for hundreds of years before this fat fuck came into existence.

Blatantly plagiarizing Richard Dawkins' book The God Delusion after it made money, Hitchens wrote his own anti-religion book, which reads as a sort of fanfic tribute to the original work except without any originality or a remote sense of intelligence. Hoardes of New Atheists mindlessly bought God Is Not Great and created a fad cult around their newest high priest, which over time has evolved to include a strong emphasis on anti-Muslim bigotry righteous hatred of sand niggers. These stalkers are convinced that Hitchens loved them back, even though he tried very hard to disown them, commenting, "It’s something I shall have to resist if I survive, and even if I don’t – this very slightly cultish stuff starts to happen. You get letters from people you can hardly remember meeting: "I shall never forget the kindness..." Unbelievably trivial stuff, but they’ve made it into a thing in their minds." [1]

Hell's hitchens.png

The fedora loving basement dwellers continued to rejoice in their faggotry as this man made his presence known to them and they proceeded to make him their object of worship and memorized every single thing he ever said while quoting the passages from his many books whenever possible while regularly attending their own churches to show their distaste for religion and spread the word of their order which is totally not hypocritical at all.

It was also around this time that Christopher was pwnt hard by George Galloway MP in a debate on the Iraq War, wherein Hitchens was exposed as a hypocrite, a sell out and too cowardly to fight in the war that he was promoting. The night ended with the audience on their feet cheering Galloway and booing Hitchens. After crying in a hotel room because he realized the Gallowayslap was more powerful than his limp-cock Hitchslap, Christopher decided he needed newer and more easy targets. Which brings us on to...


Due to his many flaws and inability to troll any human beings with actual intelligence, he was forced to target more weaker and simpler prey in the idiotic realm of television. In the following clips, he trolled women, Christfags, Bill Maher, Tariq Ali and himself:

RIP Hitchens (1949-2011)

He died of cancer on Dec 15, 2011 mainly due to his cannibalistic urges to eat irradiated Iraqi babies. Even less surprisingly, there are tons of videos made by Youtube atheists mourning over the death of their beloved atheist hero (some non-atheists mourned too en masse much to the annoyance of butthurt atheists LOL). As he was not mainstream enough, many theists and atheists who live outside of the internet's petty theist vs atheist squabble really did not give a fuck as many did not even know he existed, but those who were aware of the fat drunk's demise (such as British Moo-hammed Fans) were celebrating with glee over Hitchen's death which obviously caused butthurt to Hitchen's fans and mourners. So as usual, heated drama ensures over the death of one of the most controversial public intellectuals of this era.

The Final Word

Some belated thoughts on Hitchens. Hitchens was an eloquent writer and a sharp polemicist with an impressive array of knowledge and a good memory. He was also a hack.

Like some other people here, I used to like Hitchens a lot, maybe 20 years ago. After 9/11, he became pretty much insufferable.

The reason he was a hack was that at some point he just decided to coast on his ability to string phrases together (and pop in erudite references from time to time). All of his writings were obviously just dashed off without a lick of research or thought. I’ve read book reviews of his in which it was abundantly clear he hadn’t actually read the book in question; he’d just glanced at it, maybe skimmed the intro, and tried to cover up his lack of work by riffing on shit vaguely related to the book.

His book on religion was little more than a stream-of-consciousness rant, with him spewing forth various thoughts he’s accumulated on the subject over his life (whether they had any relevance to the issues he was supposedly dealing with or not). He had a good memory, but clearly did zero research, and the book is an incoherent mess. Though as always he could toss out a few clever phrases and classical references from time to time to disguise the lack of substance.

In the end there wasn’t much more to him than the contrarian persona he developed early in his career.


—from one journalist to another


The Baghdad regime is the first oil-producing government to opt for 100-per-cent nationalisation, a process completed with the acquisition of foreign assets in Basrah last December. It was the first to call for the use of oil as a political weapon against Israel and her backers. It gives strong economic and political support to the ‘Rejection Front’ Palestinians who oppose Arafat’s conciliation and are currently trying to outface the Syrians in Beirut. And it has a leader — Saddam Hussein — who has sprung from being an underground revolutionary gunman to perhaps the first visionary Arab statesman since Nasser. "


—Hitchens' hypocrisy at its finest.

Europeans think Americans are fat, vulgar, greedy, stupid, ambitious and ignorant and so on. And they've taken as their own, as their representative American, someone (Michael Moore) who actually embodies all of those qualities.


—Hitchens, in a rare moment of clarity

What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.


—Hitchens on Religion

It is the most revolting, and utter, and absolute, and heartless tyranny the human species has ever evolved. But at least you can fucking die and leave North Korea.


—Hitchens on Religious Totalitarianism

If you're actually certain that you're hitting only a concentration of enemy troops... then it's pretty good because those steel pellets will go straight through somebody and out the other side and through somebody else. And if they're bearing a Koran over their heart, it'll go straight through that, too. So they won't be able to say, 'Ah, I was bearing a Koran over my heart and guess what, the missile stopped halfway through.' No way, 'cause it'll go straight through that as well. They'll be dead, in other words.


—Hitchens, more sauced than usual

Wishfulness has led them to seriously mischaracterize the origins of the problem and to produce an article that is redeemed from complete dullness and mediocrity only by being slightly but unmistakably smelly.


—Hitchens on The Israel Lobby, defending Zion and his fellow Neocons with second-grade insults

...the long-feared coincidence of a messianic regime with an apocalyptic weapon will either occur on your own watch or will be conclusively prevented from occurring.


—Hitchens advises his new favorite jigaboo on the topic of Iran with magical predictions

How nice to have a "peace" movement that is either openly on the side of the vermin, or neutral as between them and the cleanup crew, and how delightful to have a press that refers to this partisanship, or this neutrality, as "progressive."


—Hitchens on the anti-war movement

The realization that American power could and should be used for the defense of pluralism and as a punishment for fascism came to me in Sarajevo a year or two later... That was an early quarrel between me and many of my Nation colleagues, and it was also the first time I found myself in the same trench as people like Paul Wolfowitz and Jeane Kirkpatrick: a shock I had to learn to get over.


—Hitchens on his conversion into an imperialist fuckhead


Evil Twin Brother

Christopher has an evil twin brother called Peter who has a monobrow and writes for the Daily Fail.

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