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Fat bitch didn't get me what I wanted
Santa even hates Christmas.

Christmas (also known as: X-mas, Present Day, The Birthday of Jesus, Tree Appreciation Day and Capitalist Solstice) is a Christian holiday that was stolen from the Roman pagan holiday, Saturnalia, which was itself stolen from the viking Yule, and taken out of context at the expense of the workers in the United States. It is also used as an excuse to get drunk on eggnog as well as for fat men to dress up as Santa Claus and touch little kids and/or sneak into houses. Now it's a Jewish Capitalist conspiracy designed by officefags and Jews just so they can rip you off of your hard earned Jew Gold so they can fund their annual Cambodian brothel crawl and fuck 4 year old child prostitutes. It is also an excuse to see family who you had forgotten about for the last 365 days. In Australia it's just another excuse to get pissed, rape the cops and have old seedy pedophiles dress up as Santa Claus as an excuse to touch little kids. Christmas is also an excuse for your fat, redneck cousin to come over and get free beer. According to The Bible, Santa Claus was born the son of a jewish child prostitute and abandoned in an enchanted forest called Burzee to be raised by elves who he eventually enslaved upon reaching adulthood like the greedy kike that he was. Santa eventually killed some old viking fag and stole his magic sleigh, using it to molest European children across the land every Christmas Eve night and giving them presents to keep their mouths shut. After generations of this, he ended up becoming the primary symbol of capitalism worldwide.

The Christmas Spirit

Bruce Jeffrey Pardo knows about the Christmas spirit.

Places like New York and London are not now, nor have ever been nice places in December. If you're poor, black or a loser in Winter, life basically consists of starving and freezing to death. The Christmas Spirit as we know it today was purposefully manufactured by Washington Irving in his 1828 book The Sketchbook Of Geoffrey Crayon. In it, a rich cunt opens his doors to the poor and behaves as if this was always how people were meant to act in December. Charles Dickens was meanwhile turning the same trick with A Christmas Carol.

Christmas Tree

During holidays tradition dictates that people should decorate the Christmas Tree. The custom of getting a tree and loading it with a whole bunch of useless trinkets is beyond any reason. Wikipedia scientists, famous for their thorough research methods, discovered that the tree's true origin is actually pagan and that many Christians feel a little butthurt over the subject.

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Christmas Songs

Xmas music is usually characterized by shitty people singing shitty songs. Most Shitty singers are people that died before your parents were born. The other shitty people are the ones who cover that shit. We swear to god if we hear Justin Bieber cover Silent night, someone's going to die. The only Christmas song that should ever be sung is this:

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dead Jesus,
The King of the Jews!



—(Trad., arr. ED)

Christmas Shitters

Shitting all over the holidays is a long standing tradition for many. While many simply choose to festoon their Christmas crapper with long runny turds from great Aunt Ethel's special fruitcake surprise, you can of course take it to the NEXT LEVEL and really show your friends whose the shit! Here's a few fun ideas!

Christmas Lights

It is Christmas tradition of course to completely molest your house with as many optical raping lights possible.

The objective is to compete against friends and neighbors to see who can get the highest electric bill for the month.

Winner gets fucked in the wallet.

Of course, if you're a special, ~unique~ little snowflake you can of course strive to be different and challenge tradition!

Go ahead, pop yer collar, pop yerself a rare imported can of cran-fucking-berry ale and give this shit a whirl!

Santa Claus

Nuvola apps xmag.png Moar info: Santa Claus.

Human beings worship the great God Santa, a giant red lobster creature with fearsome claws and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of earth go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner, like savages!

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Meaning of Christmas

Christmas in simpler times.

Christmas may or may not be one or more of the following:

  • a chance for Jews to feel left out and alienated because it's not Hanukkah
  • a chance for Muslims to blow themselves and some innocent bystanders up.
  • a chance for Christian preachers to condemn nearly everything except giving more money to the church
  • a chance for Pagans to laugh because their tree worship ritual has been commercialized and spread across the land and then go to Hot Topic to buy more ceremonial daggers.
  • a chance for poor people to have their poverty shoved in their face
  • a chance for Dutchmen to be niggers
  • a chance for fat drunks to get a job playing Santa Claus
  • a chance for rich people to show off their inordinate wealth and power
  • a chance for greedy people to get more than they give
  • a chance for nice normal people to be forced to work overtime while their families are getting together and drinking eggnog and getting into fights at the dinner table
  • a chance for rabid atheist left-wingers to bitch about religious capitalism
  • a chance for emo's and others who reek of epic fail to become an hero thus ruining the holiday for everyone you know forever.

Then again, Christmas may be a celebration of the birthday of Christ, even though the holy brat was clearly born in August. Of course, this also involves giving money to preachers.

Festive Euphemisms

Now that it is Christmas time again there will be many things to do such as:


[-+]Christmas, /b/ style

It twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout /b/,
Every /b/tard was fapping, and that includes me.
The PENIS was out, proudly stiff in the air
in hopes of a post that would please Pedobear.
The /b/tards all staring in front of the screen
Catching unearthly visions, all mainly unseen
Except for the pasta that flooded the board
Christmas was coming to
With a stickam whore wearing a red Santa cap
and every guy screaming that it was a trap
Crashing the server while trying to GET
All normal things for this part of the net

When up on the roof, a noise that perplexed
I shot off my load in startled reflex
Away from the desktop, I flew in a flash
Wondering what the hell caused the crash
When, what to my wondering eyes did I see
A man black as night, above all the trees
Pulled by a horde of memes, well because,
I figured at once that it was Nigra Claus.

Faster than a rapidshare download they came
And his voiced boomed aloud, calling all of their names.
"Now Zimmer, Now Cracky, now Mongler and Desu!
On Delay, on Picard, on Gendo, and Deku!
To the top of the board, where the sticky pin lies!"
Needless to say, I was very surprised.

He landed upon the grass of the lawn
and walked towards the house, bright as the dawn
The source of the glowing was no magic spell
"IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!" the red-lipped one yelled.

The front door exploded, all shattered to splinters
I realized I just took a shit in my knickers
They poured in the room, with quite a large ruckus
"Candlejack?" I exclaimed. "What the fuck is-"

The words were unable to flow from my voice
Little did I realize that I had no choice,
But to sit and endure the riotous mass
With cum on my stomach and shit on my ass.

Saint Nigra stepped forth, and wrinkling his nose
took a look at the room, and shouted "POOL'S CLOSED,
Don't go in the water, it's full of stingrays
and plagued with a virus that's known as the AIDS."

George Zimmer stood next, and reached into his frock...
Pulled out some new pants, for my own I had shit

He stepped back, and a doll took his place
while two orbs of color shined out from her face
Her features contorted like an old anguished jew
"Desu desu desu, desu desu desu desu."

Cockmongler ran up and grabbed hold of my dick
And then took off his shirt, I thought I'd be sick
He put the rag on me, as I stood there perplexed
now adorned by the image of a bright green T-Rex

Picard flipped me off at warp factor "fuck you"
while Cracky-chan smiled, her teeth all askew
"Who are you," I asked, "Why are you in this region?"
"We are anonymous," they said. "Anonymous is legion."

As quick as the flash, they all left the scene
With plenty of shouting and phrases obscene
They swarmed a female who was blocking their route
and all screamed at once "TITS OR GTFO"

Mongler suggested "Stick it in her pooper!"
The raeping commenced so fast it was blurred
They turned then to me, and shouted quite clear
"Merry Christmas to /b/, we'll raep you next year!"

[-+]The True Story of Christmas

What up, y'all bitch asses? Joseph of Arimithea speaking. I bet you've all heard about Christmas, and what it's all about, how Jesus was born and laid in a manger, and then went on to save everyone from sin and death. Everyone knows this is bullshit, but not many know the REAL STORY.

One day about 2,000 years ago I walked into the talent office at the Bethlehem Hotel and said to the Showbiz Jew, 'Have I got an act for you!' So the Showbiz Jew says 'What is it?'

'Well, it's a family act. I come onto the stage with my young nephew, John the Baptist. He pours some water on my head, works me up into a nice hard-on, and I start fucking a male goat. The shepherd comes in with Mary, who has a strap-on dildo. She fucks a horse while the shepherd fucks her ass. The horse gets a hard-on. Mary takes off the strap-on and gets DP'ed by the shepherd and the horse.

Meanwhile John the Baptist gets a small hard-on from watching me fuck the goat. I force him down into the straw, hit the goat hard in the prostate, and the goat cums into John the Baptist's mouth. Now John takes his penis and sticks it in my ear. He comes quickly, sucks his semen and some earwax out of my ear canal, and rubs the mixture over my penis, which is still covered in fresh shit from the goat's ass.

Three Ay-rabs come in dressed as wise men from the east. Mary starts blowing all three of them at once. The wise men take a gold bar and stick it in Mary's ass. Then they shove frankincense in my ass, and myrrh in the shepherd's ass. Then they take all three of them out and make Mary lick them off. Then she licks the boy semen, earwax, and goat shit from my penis and gargles it. The three wise men give her a bukkake. John the Baptist is meanwhile giving a blow job to the horse.

Now Mary lifts up her skirt to show a young boy being born into a manger. So we put the kid in the manger, I wrap the umbilical cord around my penis, and then I let the horse stick his cock in my ass. Then I stick my own umbilical penis in the first wise man's ass, who sticks his penis into the second wise man's ass, who sticks his dick in the third wise man's ass, who sticks his dick in the shepherd, who sticks his dick in John the Baptist, who sticks his dick in the goat. Mary takes a shit in Jesus' mouth and slaps him in the face. Then we all turn and give Jesus a bukkake and cut off the end of his penis.'

The War on Christmas

Dreaming of a Traditional White Christmas.

The War on Christmas is a coordinated effort in America orchestrated by Liberals, Communists, and other godless heathens to completely destroy Christmas and leave an empty void in the month of December and in the hearts of little children everywhere. As every good little boy and girls knows, America was founded on Christianity and if Christmas isn't shoved into everyone's faces in December, God will get butthurt and destroy the whole country in a fit of rage. It doesn't matter that the godless heathens comprise only a small fraction of the population, there's a fucking war going on and all good Christians must fight for the right to violate the First Amendment because if they don't, the next thing you know all sorts of terrible things will happen, like legalized prostitution, gay marriage, and drugs. Or at least that's what that Fox News guy who likes phone sex says. [1]

Sure signs that there's a war on include:

  • The godless heathens are demanding that the government actually complies with the First Amendment by not putting up religious displays on government property.
  • People putting up signs that read "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" to avoid alienating customers who might not celebrate Christmas.
  • The word "Christmas" doesn't come before "Parade of Lights."


Merry fucking Christmas, you ungrateful materialistic brat About missing Pics
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See Also

is part of a series on
Badass jesus.jpg
Blessed by God [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
Heathens [-+]
Featured article December 25, 2006
Preceded by
I has a shuvel
Christmas Succeeded by
Hal Turner
Featured article December 25, 2008
Preceded by
Christmas Succeeded by
Featured article December 24 & 25, 2012
Preceded by
Lil B
Christmas Succeeded by
Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre
Featured article December 24 & December 25, 2016
Preceded by
Joe Crusher Pickles
Christmas Succeeded by