Thanks a lot, Broken Britain.
According to the idiom, 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery'. But whoever was credited for coming up with that idiom never added 'unless you're imitating a nigger', because they never once thought anyone would be retarded enough to imitate something shit. This was the mentality that gave birth to the wigger, where the low-brow inner city white trash and equally cancerous suburbanites all over America try to emulate the garbage they see from black culture on TV, especially the shit they hear about from gangsta rap. But what happens when a bunch of poor, stupid, inbred British 'people' look at the same shit that influenced the wiggers? You get this...
Alternatively known as Burberry apes, hoodies, scratters and townies (or the Scottish equivalent: neds), Chavs are a stereotype of the lower working classes of Britain, in stark contrast to the more flattering upper-middle class bowler-and-brolly archetype we all secretly wish were true. Chavs are typically inbred, acne-ridden fuckwits who strut around the suburbs of England in large groups, lurking around literally any park, fast food outlet or off license, usually chain smoking, drinking cheap booze and abusing literally anyone for petty reasons (looking at them 'funny,' etc), yet will start shitting themselves if challenged on their own. These subhuman parasites earn their living by signing up to the completely backwards benefits systems, stealing things from its local supermarket, or (more commonly) combining the two. A few of the moar enterprising chavs eke out a living selling low-grade cannabis and heavily adulterated amphetamines to school children. While Chavs are essentially wiggers, they hate it if anyone calls them that as their wiggotry is quite obvious in the way they walk: legs as wide apart as Dorian Thorn's, arms out like coat hangers after the typical chav training regimen of holding niggers under the armpits. Also like niggers, all chavs are fucking hideous, extremely stupid, fuck anything with legs and are a completely amoral plague on society.
They typically dress entirely in bootlegged Adidas tracksuits, mock gold jewelery from Argos and cheap cologne which stinks of cat piss. Also typical of chavs is a short and scrawny build; in spite subsisting entirely on ready meals, junk food, pisswater, energy drinks and drugs, typically cocaine and cannabis. This doesn't mean to say fat chavs are uncommon, in fact the females (colloquially known as 'chavettes') somehow manage to make themselves look even fuglier than their male counterparts, and that might have something to do with the fact that chavs become parents as early as twelve years old.
On occasion, Chavs can become very unintentional IRL Trolls, and said chavvy trolls can often be seen invading the local Waitrose, trailing around within with their sloppy cups of tea and coffee, much to the disdain of the high-class folk who have come to buy their olives and potato salad.
Chavs are most commonly found on Bebo or Facebook, and owing to both their ITG hubris and phenomenally low IQ, they all believe that tabloid newspapers are the world's ultimate form of truth. This makes them prime trolling targets, and trolling chavs have lead to massive lulz and caused fatal levels of butthurt. If you want to see a case study, just check out the An Heroes of Bridgend article for proof. Because no chav pays attention in English class (if they bother to show up at all) they all type messages like illiterate chimps, spelling words as they would be said, much like a human seven-year-old. They also strangely feel the constant need to begin every word in every sentence with a capital letter (mainly because they are all retarded and don't actually know where the capital letter is supposed to go). Most of anything written or typed by a chav is indecipherable due to this, as well as their lousy distorted rendition of the spoken English language and extensive use of txt spk.
Here's an example:
English is a complicated language indeed, although not nearly as incomprehensible as the chavs made it for everyone else. An example of how easy it is to troll chavs when simply criticizing their language can be seen on the right. Notice the use of double "&"s and "i"s, and the reason why they do a C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER with the ampersand when there's no need for one. Annoying, isn't it?
- It's being quoted by a chavette
- She's easily butthurt
- She's interested in talentless twins who enjoy having buttsecks with each other
- She never gave a valid reason, she just said she just does
Spotting one of these social blemishes is easy: look for a curry-stained shell-suit and Burberry cock-sock. Other chav "rude boiz" identify themselves by tucking their trademark tracksuit-bottoms into the huge football socks they wear. In addition to their wardrobe, "chav-style" is all about ostentatious and blatant exhibition, similar to the manner lower-order animals display their plumage. This is why both chavs and chavettes will try to cover themselves in anything with a 'label'. Burberry, Adidas, Nike and so on, although theirs may very well come from a dodgy market stall run by a fat Bulgarian migrant in the local town centre.
Showy jewelery is an absolute must and despite their simple nature, chavs do have a hierarchy. When they've sold enough stolen goods and drugs to pre-teens, they'll spend their money on cheap jewelery from Argos, dubbed the "Elizabeth Duke" range to make it appear more prestigious than it actually is. The rings themselves would either be made of cheap gold-plated plastic crap, or simply manufactured from stainless steel, like your spoons, making them not even worth the £40 retail price. A chav's position in the hierarchy is determined by the number of gilded-plastic sovereign rings and chains he or she wears. The chief of all chavs is said to wear double his weight in cheap jewelry, despite the fact that he is never seen. Chavs are slavishly servile to those higher up the jewelry food chain than them. Other criteria, such as the size of a chav's criminal record or the number of anti-social behavior orders (ASBOs) that have been accrued, determine a chav's position in the hierarchy. Other unique features may include how thick a moustache the little rat bastard can grow, or how much "snout" he can stash up his ass (a chav, like any self-respecting /b/tard, never knows when the peelers will come knocking). They also serve as light body armor, as this cheap shit protects their knuckles from chafing as they drag them along the ground.
All chavs wear a permanent frown because frowning makes you look "wel ard innit". Recently they have begun to devolve even further, deliberately scarring themselves underneath either eye or anywhere else on the face, but it's hard to work out if that makes them hard or just emo would-bes. As an interesting anthropological note, it has been observed by many that the smaller a chav's head, the more he looks like he wants to rip your balls off. Another defining characteristic of the male chav is a basic haircut, done by their moms with clippers on a single length setting (lawl).
Due to a chronic inability to resist peer pressure, all Chavs begin smoking cigarettes at the age of seven, which also happens to be the first time most Chav females bear a kid for the extra social payments and free council housing. This is coincided with their excessive use of deodorants and antiperspirants, which they apply directly (and sometimes exclusively) to their clothing, and they wear the same garments for weeks at a time. This is known as 'old lady perfume,' named after the propensity of geriatrics slathering far too much perfume on their body due to their poor sense of smell, which makes them blind to the other odors they carry around with them like cat piss.
No matter what stage of Chav-olution they may/may not have fallen to, they are all distinguished by their trademark walk/swagger (which pales to the chad stride in every way). Two sub-types of walk have been identified;
- The first is the 'overt' walk, where the chav sticks out its chest and holds its upper arms out at around a 45-degree angle towards the ground with the arms below the elbow being allowed to move freely, with this in place the chav will walk and move its upper torso in the way a human sub consciously does for better balance while walking, but in an over emphasised and aggressive fashion. This swagger is used to make up for the often pathetically small demeanour of most chavs and is a standard animal kingdom message of ‘come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough’.
- The second sub-type of walk is the ‘covert’, where the chav cloths itself in a, usually grey or black, hooded top and baseball cap, it then sticks its hands into the front pockets of said hooded top and looks at the ground making sure to pull its baseball cap down also, as the chav is walking it will move its lower torso and hips in the same fashion as a chav moves its upper torso in the first sub-type of walk. This walk is employed while the chav is shoplifting, dealing drugs and otherwise while they are out causing crime and wrongdoing.
The display of one's genitalia is a mandatory practice in the appearance of a chav, and is done to send the following message to naysayers and doubters: However deceptive my high pitched, nasally, whiney, annoying-as-fuck voice and general lack of facial hair is, I am still male. Don't believe me? Take a gander at my package. Often it is necessary to hold onto the genitalia to ensure it doesn't go anywhere. It is common for chavs to stand with both hands down the front of their tracksuit pants while talking to friends, police and social workers.
Female chavs wear excessive quantities of cheap make-up, caking it on like a juggalo on white lightning. Without fail, beneath that plasterwork lies a patchwork of acne and knife wounds borne upon the orange, irradiated glow of a fake tan worshipper.
It is often easy to spot a chav by name only due to their unique naming conventions, which includes naming their crotch droppings after things they like. Examples of this include Nokia, Burberry, Toyota, T-Mobile, JJB Sports, Citroen Saxo and White Lightning (the British equivalent of Pabst Blue Ribbon). Failing this, a chav may give their spawn an American nigra name such as Rohondra, Keiisha, Ty Ron or Fifi Lapussi. Unlike the wigger this is not because of an appreciation of nigra culture but is mainly because they heard it in Kanye West's song during Tim Westwood's power hour.
—Chavs appreciate your charity.
Incapable of sensitivity or remorse for anything other than Wayne Rooney, (England's finest football loser, shopping enthusiast and fellow shaved primate), chavs patrol their shithole estates in gangs, making them even more uninhabitable for anyone unfortunate enough to be living with them. Like the rapefugees they participate in vandalism, theft, and seeking for soft targets to assault and rob between getting drunk or high and collecting their dole money. When caught on their alone, though, their cowardice can be immediately exposed since they will become too afraid to talk or establish eye contact, instead muttering under their breath and staring at the ground like an aspie. Because of this failing characteristic they have been largely 'muscled out' of the pecking order by the aforementioned rapefugees, who beat them on the levels of raw brutality they're prepared to dish out.
Chavs have a strong sense of entitlement, as though the world owes them a favor for anything. They are convinced that their poor socio-economic situation is caused by their government's failure to provide them with enough free shit, or by the council's unwillingness to spend enormous sums of taxpayer money on some 'youth club,' which they would inevitably steal from, vandalise, and burn down anyway. While they are partially correct that their communities are beyond neglected, at the same time the situation is not helped by their wilfully bone idle and anti-social attitude, frequent intoxication, fondness for committing crime or the fact that they spend the majority of their time bunking off school or being disruptive and retarded during lessons. This sense of entitlement also extends into general public life, with chavs commonly requesting money, alcohol, cigarettes or any multitude of goods or services from acquaintances, strangers and groups to which they have contributed nothing but from which they will still shamelessly request a favor from. As a result, some chavs are enraged at how society, the police, and the man in general oppress them when they simply want to spend their benefits on alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs, as well as intimidating, assaulting, burgling or robbing innocent people and vandalizing property without fear of police oppression or social condemnation. One chav uprising of note was the UK lootfest of 2011.
Most Chavs seem to keep this attitude until some point in their late twenties or early thirties, which marks the first major fork of their lives. Either they start some what pulling their weight by finally getting jobs as cleaners, warehouse workers or other unskilled labourers, leaving violence for inebriated weekends and football matches, or, end up in prison, where they learn which end of a knife is sharp and realizing that this is as good as it gets. Thankfully, due to the economic downturn chavs are turning rapidly into the homeless, and so are dying of starvation, natural selection ftw.
Much like dogs, they have a terrible attitude towards any outsiders, such as the "moshers", "sk8er bois", emo kids and anyone else not wearing half-mast tracksuit bottoms and a faded baseball cap. Do not let the whiny nasal voice fool you: if you're not a chav, be prepared for some IRL serious business. However, if a chav is alone or the number of their group of apes is lower than yours, they will shit bricks and in all likelihood run to the safety of their local McDonald's. If you find a chav alone, you know what to do.
Chavs are often known for having pussy scraps in a little kids playground or a big large field. After feeding the toddlers dog shit and raping the whole family in the house next door, these 12 year old cunts like to come out to the big field and have a scrap, record it on mobile phones and post it to the JewTubez. Look at this stupid cunt Ryan Davison. He's 13 years old, getting very old to be a chav, innit?
After reading this far, it should no longer be a mystery as to why chavs are the most universally hated group of faggots in Western Europe.
Chavs utilise a very primitive form of verbal communication which can only be described as "Butchered English", this communication arises from a combination of their fat slag Mothers and absent Fathers from using TV and other electronic entertainment as surrogate parents/babysitters, never going to or listening at school and general extreme retardation.
This language, while being extremely annoying and sometimes difficult to translate by non-chavs, will ensure that a chav remains unemployable in pretty much all occupations and will not ascend into any social circle beyond their fellow chavs (though when considered alongside their laziness, bad attitude and non-existent academic or voluntary achievements, their shitty retarded speech is probably the least of their problems).
- Wa g'wan - "What is going on?", mostly used to mean "Hello, how are you?"
- Wussup ma homie? - "What is happening at the moment, my fellow compatriot?"
- Bo - Also used to draw attention.
- 'Ow son! - "How do you do my friend?"
- Ooo! 'Ere - "Hello there, could I have your attention please?"
- 'ere mate - "I am about to commence sponging/start a fight for no reason."
- Orite kidda!? - "Greetings my friend, how are you? Are you currently in a state of physical, social and mental well-being?"
- Startin? - "Would you be suggesting that we engage in a physical confrontation of a violent nature?"
- You wot m8? - "I am confused by what you have just said, dear sir, but I believe it to be vaguely confrontational. I must ask for clarification if our conversation is to continue."
- The fuck you look'n at? "I would like to instigate a fight."
- Fuck you on about? "I'm afraid you may have sourced your information incorrectly."
- Are you 'avin a giggle, m8? "I find that your claim strains credulity."
- Yer gorra light? - "May I please borrow (steal) a cigarette lighter?"
- Yer got twenny pee, mate? - "Do you happen to have twenty pence Sterling on your person that I could borrow?"
- Set Me - May I inquire as to [one of] your [possessions]? Example, 'Set me a fag, bruv'.
- GEE/GIZ UZ YER PHONE - "Hand over your mobile communications device, or face a bit of rough and tumble."
- You wha'?- "Pardon me? I was unable to comprehend your elucidation."
- Twos on tha' - "I desire the latter half of your cigarette."
- Do a Nash/Do one - To make an prompt exit, usually on the rare occasion that outnumbering the foe 10 to 1 is not enough to win a fight.
- Gis a swig o' tha! - "Would you mind giving me a sip/portion of your beverage?"
- I'll crash you back m8 - "I owe you a favour or will reimburse you for lending me money, cigerettes, alcohol, drugs, etc (something which they have absolutly no intension of doing).
- amazin- The only word a chav is linguistically capable of using to describe an object or person. The first sign of a lack of vocabulary.
- Brap/Prap - Sometimes said many times in quick succesion and/or while forming their index and middle finger on their hand to look like a handgun barrel and pointing their tumb outwards to look like a cocking hammer on a handgun. Used to (poorly) represent the sound of a gun shot and sometimes used to make a tacit threat/statement that they could get or have got a real gun cos they've got 'connections'. However this is almost certainly a lie unless they are involved in gangs or the drug trade situated in the worst shit hole parts of London, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool or similer major British city.
- Yezzir - "Yes, sir", imitated by Chavs upon hearing famous Nigra "Pharrell Williams" say the word himself in a few songs.
- Wickiiid - "I derive much enjoyment from that particular occurrence".
- Fuuuckinn' 'ell! - Usually said in a state of awe and/or when completely befuddled by a recent occurence.
- Bangin' choon! - "I find that melody rather entertaining and I am completely captivated by its composition." This would normally be said while simultaneously bobbing the head up and down and waggling a finger in accordance with said melody in the most retarded of fashions.
- Mint - "Wonderful!"
- Shockin - "I'm afraid I must disagree with your claim"
- Ee's takin' the piss - He has not yielded to us immediately, handed over his cash and cards, admitted all fault for the incident and apologized for the inconvenience! The audacity! The temerity!
- Ya bellend - "I find your nature disagreeable."
- Torture - Used to describe an inconvenient yet pressing task. eg: "I had to get up at 11 to sign on this mornin' it was pure torture!"
- Moshy bashin - finding and starting a fait/fight with a "mosher innit".
- Missions - Traveling, usually walking, a great distance.
- 'Aving a Chew - Undertaking an arduous task, such as writing your name.
- Goin' on a burg/On the rob' - I am soon to be participating on a burglary.
- yeah m8 - An automatic response received after insulting a chav (often followed by a punch to your face).
- Blatantly - The strongest word a chav has in its arsenal. If you're blatantly startin' with him, you should probably flee. A chav will not resort to a three-syllable word except at the utmost end of need.
- Innit? - "Isn't it just?"
- Ennit? - See 'innit?'
- Is it? - The new 'innit?'.
- Proper/Pure - Used as the adjective in most sentences, declaring that something is good. "Lad lad lad, dat's a proper cat there, lad." (see below for "Lad")
- Orrrr M8 - "I am most impressed with this information." This may also be heard before being harassed for a cigarette, and then being questioned as to why you don't have any/won't give them one.
- Sound - "I find that agreeable."
- You're a waste, m8 - "I believe that you are of low worth or inferior stature". Unless said to a fellow chav, it hardly needs to be said of what a hilarious and woefully inaccurate statement this is.
- Murk - The act of beating up, stabbing or shooting someone. Note that the former will usually only be attempted against a solitary victim while accompanied by at least two other chavs because they are fucking cowards and the two latter if they are sure that their victim is unarmed which, with this being Britain, they always will be.
- Norr m8 - "No my friend, I disagree." Usually said when the chav can't sustain an argument. (The equivalent of NO U)
Jake: Why don't you stop acting so hard you fucking chav? You're an absolute pussy.
Chav: Norr m8
- Bruv - An abbreviation of "brother". They seem to be capable of calling anyone their brother. If they use this term too much it opens up the gate of being able to troll them by saying "you're all brothers? Your mom must have been a real slag to have had all of you"
- Blud - "Blood", announced in recognition as a follower of theirs being a so-called brother.
- Blut-blut - Also used to draw attention to oneself. Chavs crave the stuff.
- Bare - "Many", "A lot of", "Big", "an abundance of", "copious".
- Dirt - A cigarette.
- Ends - Place of residence.
- Mate - Catch-all moniker for victims or fellow scum.
- Laa - Short for "lad". Usually added to the end of somebody's name as a greeting. Eg. Nathan Laa! or Matty Laa!.
- Like - Pause filler, used to, like, stall for time while, like, preparations are, like, made to attempt vocalisation of, like, the next word. Like.
- Bird - Simply the chav word for a Girl.
- Piff/Piffting/Pengting - Good looking.
- Peng - Good.
- Sket - Whore.
Chav music is a delicate blend of monotonous bass and rudimentary keyboard synths artfully combined by unemployed Eminem wannabes while under the influence of poppers and vodka. The music is usually sold by a skinny pikey in a van who sells it to other chavs. This music is played inside of their Vauxhall Novas and Citron Saxos with shit modifications at such high volume the whole car starts to shake, on their mobile phones, without headphones, on public transport annoying the fuck out of everyone else on board and are increasingly being heard in bars and clubs in English cities, and is "never loud enough" until the exterior masonry begins to vibrate.
Have a look at this stunning piece of work below. Most (or maybe all?) chavs believe they can mask the shitty phone recorder quality and retardation with equally shite music. Watch as these chimplike abominations jump into bushes and flip off buildings again and again, because, you know, that's what you really want to spend your time doing.
In order to appreciate the genius of the genre, fill your two-door hatchback with at least three inebriated lolis in the back and as many faggots as you can fit in the space between the passenger seat and the handbrake. Adjust your seat to be as far back and as low to the floor as possible, then relax in style as your faggot friends hang out of the window whistling at schoolgirls, safe in the comfort that YOU LOOK PROPER MINT.
Chavs also thoroughly enjoy dancing:
The Chav Song
The trend is also growing rapidly in Australia since getting drunk and fucked up every week is considered normal and part of the Australian Way of Life. At one point, the common currency was rum and Australia's only military coup was the Rum Rebellion of 1808.
Still, it's a fact that they are not sober most of the time, as a result, it's likely that you will be reciving a call from someone at 2 in the morning (NOT IN HIS TIME-ZONE, HAHA) offering you Pringles if you'd exchange phone numbers with him.
In Australia, there's a clothing chain called Billabong which supplies the gangsta wannabes with all sorts of gear. Sad fact is those things are nowhere near anything, and only serve to make the wearer look like a wanker. But the schoolkids just fall in love with those psuedo-chav outfits, the dumb bastards. Now Billabong is popular in America, but we've already got wiggers and bros, so it just blends right in.
Outside of Australia and Britain, the biggest population centre for chavs is their favourite holiday centre, Ibiza. Every year hundreds of chavs flock to the island to partake of the endless supply of drugs, booze and slags.
Devvo is an Internet mockumentary made by Fat-Pie.com. It follows a young chap named Darren Devonshire (or Devvo for short) living his everyday life in Doncaster. The scariest (and possibly lulziest) part of this series is that upon first viewing, almost every person that has seen it has mistakenly thought it to be genuine.
Much to the dismay of the entire British population, Michael Carroll is not a spoof character. The forces of nature decided to play a disgusting trick on humanity by allowing Michael to win The National Lotto. This made him the first Chav to ever have money, and therefore creating a paradox.
Since winning £9.7million in November 2002 he has appeared in court over 30 times, he spent the entirety of his winnings on banger racing, prozzies, fine china and been imprisoned for assault. More proof that Chavs and money are not destined to be with each other.
The only thing more disgraceful than Michael Carroll himself is the fact that the English media have made documentaries about him and even a film about his life has been discussed. At least the council of his hometown Swaffham were awesome enough to pwn him by refusing when he offered to pay for their Christmas decorations.
Carroll has claimed to be the "King Of Chavs", which of course means he rules high above all the other pre-pubescent wasters of his kind.
Living within the chav community has ment that Carroll has become vunerable to the predatory nature of many chavs (i.e. asking for something for free to which they have contributed nothing, and, in the case of being refused, resorting to violence to get it). Their requests for cash and threats of violence have ment Carroll inlisted, for a short while, the help of Northern Ireland Ulster Defence Association (UDA) loyalist terrorist and all round shithead Johnny "Mad Dog" Adair for protection in return for financing and endorceing his terrorist group. When little Carroll realised who he was getting himself involved with however he felt it would be better to take on the teenage chavs armed with potato peelers demanding cash himself, rather than being subject to requests for cash from hardened murderers who have handguns, AK-47's and grenades and so quickly broke off the relationship.
Currently, Mr. Carroll is dirt poor once again after blowing all his money on the standard Chav bullshit. Carroll has returned to his previous vocation of 'Bin Man', claiming that he is happier without his vast sums of money due to the trouble that comes with it. Which is a load of shit really, as anyone with a brain has enough willpower to resist buying yet another Quadbike or brick of heroin.
A character from the comedy sketch show Little Britain, Vicky encompasses everything that everybody hates about Chavs, but turns it into lulz. To make matters worse, anyone who's ever been unfortunate enough to find themselves in any British city center will be surprised at the accuracy with which this character is portrayed.
It's also common knowledge that when a chavette reaches 12 and when a chav reaches 14 they'll suddenly find the need to fuck anything with a pulse (including close family members). Unfortunately for humanity, chavs always mate with each other without protection and usually while fucked up on WKD or dirty resin.
Due to a severe lack of adequate parenting-skills you'll often witness 12 year old chavettes with mini-skirts the length of your penis made up to the point of being more orange than the sun... although that probably turns you on doesn't it, you sick fuck.
These traits in a female chav are what attracts the male chav, who can be most likely spotted next to the nearest 'Bargain Booze' while his hands are where they shouldn't be, verbally assaulting any passerby who doesn't wear those shitty Adidas tracksuits.
WARNING: If you ever find yourself falling in love with a chav, please An Hero immediately.
Poor English wiggers.
- Guido (the same thing, except Italian-American and on the opposite end of the socioeconomic spectrum. Yay for rich mummy and daddy!).
- Wigger Mur'kkkin version
- Bogan (Australian version: +1 redneck; -1 wigger)
- U WOT M8
- Kersal Massive
- Tyler Juett
- Goronchev (Yes, most defiantly).
- Reece Kent
- Super pedo chav's bebo (Needs urgent Flaming)
- Super chavvy
- A typical chavette, complete with foul language.
- Creepy chav who loves to stalk people
- The Jeremy Kyle Show
- Chav Hunter Game
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