From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigationJump to search

Caffeine is a drug for the kids who can't get coke because they don't have any rich friends. Frequent users of caffeine include gamers who use it to stay up all night at LAN parties. There are also a number of middle school kids who think that they can get high by taking a large number of Caffeine pills; which you can, but not without dying a slow and hilarious death. All it takes is about the equivalent of 95 cups of coffee (or about 36 No-Doz or Vivarin pills)(or 256 cans of mountain dew in under 5 minutes) in four hours to hit that mark. Unfortunately, the hallucinogenic margin is very small, and even a tiny bit too much can result in coma and death (however, you CAN get hallucinations if you stay awake long enough. It's different for every person, but usually after three days you start to hear/see funny things.) Make sure to sell some to a group of kids at the park for lulz. Since it is also an ingredient in soda, coffee, tea and energy drinks, roughly half the world is addicted to it (the rest are religious fundamentalists or too poor to afford even bargain-basement coffee grounds). All caffeine-junkies are fairly annoying, shaky people who talk shit. If you want to use caffeine properly, take it in conjunction with meth, some argue that it can extend the high

Energy Drinks

You fucking wish pusscake.
Enough to kill an army

Many years ago, shortly after the invention of yoga, there was a period now lost in the mists of time, known as the 1980s. During this mysterious epoch, of which scientists know little, mysterious ((('health farms'))) appeared on the suburban-rural borders around large towns. Fat people would disappear to these so-called 'health farms' for a fortnight at a time. When they returned to their families, they were still just as fat as before. However, they now swore by the curative powers of Turkish baths, jogging, and having just a glass of orange juice for breakfast. Also, they were convinced that caffeine was bad for you.

Strangely, this coincided with the appearance in (((supermarkets))) of a new type of consumer product: so-called "Decaffeinated" tea and coffee. The 'health-farm' people flocked to buy it, and now that they have come of age, so-called "decaff" is a familiar part of our everyday lives. Little did the unsuspecting world know, however, that it was all a (((scam))). The caffeine that had been removed from tea and caffeine was not wasted: it was instead turned into a new breed of fizzy pop to (((corrupt))) the nation's youth, part them from their (((pocket money,))) and get them hooked on the (((hard stuff))). The Energy Drink revolution had arrived.

Energy drinks are beverages that are nothing more than HummingBird food and water. If you look, you will see them being purchased in stores by fat people, scene fags, emo fags, Dragonforce fags, one mega fag, all who would rather have the instant gratification of a can of sugar water because they are too damn lazy to wait 10 minutes for a pot of coffee or can't talk a Doctor into giving them a prescription for Ritalin.
Primarily designed to be used as part of a ‘healthy diet’, people looking for a quick pick me up can be seen reading the back of the bottles and cans, seeing how much ‘hardcore’ caffeine, riboflavin, guarana and taurine is contained in them. Obviously the most they experience is no different then drinking a few cups of coffee. Fat people (100% of internet users) gain nothing but profuse sweating from drinking them because they already have too much energy to burn off anyway. Enjoy your diabeetus. Btw, they all taste like Red Bull.

Energy Shots

If drinking a can full of liquid shit isn’t quite up your street and are looking for something even moar hardcore, then look no further than energy shots. Often sold in 50ml bottles, they are supposedly meant to work better than energy drinks, except they taste like a mixture of mercury and piss. Anyone dumb enough to blow their money on them and expect anything more than just a few heart palpitations is retarded.


What's the point of staying awake when you're not leaving your fuckin' basement?

Caffeine addiction is a serious ailment afflicting millions of users worldwide, resulting in a global economic loss of nearly 1 billion dollars. If you believe that you or someone you know has an addiction, please call an addiction hotline right away. Caffeine addiction is a serious disease, and users need your help.

Signs of serious addiction include:


Gallery Of Coffee

See Also



is part of a series on


[Cut It OutExpand Your Mind]