Brock Turner

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It's not rape if Jamal knocks him unconscious first.

Brock Turner is a former Stanford University student, aspiring Olympic athlete, master troll of the American judicial system and recently the new favorite play thing of cellmate Jamal who recently created an absolute tidalwave of butthurt in the e-commentator community after being convicted for allegedly digitally penetrating an intoxicated unconscious person (she was was faking unconsciousness) and attempting rape (he kept his pants on) and then only being sentenced to serve six months for it.

Whilst rape in the US usually will earn you an IRL banhammer of ten years, some argue that his sentencing of a mere 5% of this average is a testament to his white privilege, others say it's because his parents are loaded, perhaps it's because of rape culture, or, as feminists would scream at you, their folds of fat and flouro-red hair making them look like a giant bloated toadstool, it's a combination of all three. Our experts here at ED however, along with any person with half a brain know that the judge considered the testimony, evidence and verdict; upon staring at the photo of the half undressed slut passed out behind the dumpster, her legs spread so wide that if she didn't pull through they'd have had to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin, he thought to himself "yeah, I'd have probably fingered that too."

Cast of characters

Main lad:

  • Brock Allen Turner, aka "S" then "S01"

Main lass:

  • "Big Mama" aka "Updie" aka "Emily Doe", and "Jane Doe 1". Tiffany's older sister allegedly "the victim" of dismissed rape charges and an attempted rape charge (and fingering an intoxicated/unconscious person) that resulted in conviction

Os (stands for Other)

  • O01 Tiffany, the younger sister of the mysterious "big mama" called "Emily Doe" (also called O1 or O-1)
  • O02 Julia Nacey Maggioncalda (also called O-2)
    • Jeffrey Maggioncalda, Julia's CEO custodian, aka Jaffrey Nacey Maggioncalda aka "Jeff"
      • Alison Nacey Maggioncalda, for whom Jeff is also a custodian. With a BA in Human Biology she graduated from Stanford University in 2014 and currently teaches in Stanford's Program in Human Biology. She published a 2011 paper on Lymphoma.
      • Lindsay Nacey Maggioncalda, for whom Jeff is also a custodian
        • Anne Nacey Maggioncalda, founder and director of the The Nacey Maggioncalda Foundation (aka NaceyMagg)
          • James Francis Nacey, Anne's dad who died in 2007 and Julia's maternal grandfather
          • Aileen Nacey Schmoller, Anne's sister and Julia's aunt
  • O03 ?
  • O04 ?
  • O05 Colleen McCann who helps Tiffany carry Trea home
  • O06 Trea McElhone the drunk who gets carried home.

Rs (stands for Reporting Party)

Ws (stands for Witness)

  • W01 Peter Lars Jonsson
  • W02 Carl-Fredrik-Arndt
  • W03 Nicholas Peter Sinclair
  • W04 Beau Barnett
  • W05 ?
  • W06 Tom None Kremer

Asexual cops:

  • Dep. Adams
  • Dep. B. Shaw
  • Lt. Havig
  • Sgt Barries
  • Sgt Rondeau

Guy cops:

  • Dep. Jeffrey Paul Taylor
  • Det. Mike Kim
  • Dep. Robert Edwards
  • Terrance Dotsy

Lady cops:

  • Carrie DeVlugt
  • Penitisa Campos, CSI/CSO

Medical staff:

What happened?

Partying hard one night in January 2015 while grind-dancing with a female peer, the peer's older sister "Big Mama Updie", unsuccessful at finding younger boys with braces to prey on, settled on targeting Brock.

Luring him behind a dumpster and exposing her cooch, Brock's attempts to phone friends for help were halted by her apprehending his phone and using it to send pics of her tits to all Brock's friends. Updie lay back on the dirty earth and pulled Brock on top of her, rubbing his lower back sensually. Brock's hands were made filthy on the dirty twig-laden concrete by his catching himself during the fall. It did not matter to her. She lifted her skirt and tugged her panties aside and pulled his hand into her slobbering snatch.

Meanwhile her little sister remained unaware of what her big sis was doing with her stolen dance partner. Big Mama Updie's boyfriend was worried as she had not informed him she was going out dancing, and certainly not that she would be cheating on him.

Updie continued to plie Brock with alcohol. It worked for a time and he did not resist cooperating as a sex object for a feminist pity-finger-fuck. But his muscular body quickly burned through the alcohol until he finally withdrew his hand in disgust and walked away as Big Mama Updie's drank lulled her into a semiconscious stupor.

Wanting to go home and cleanse himself of this violation, Brock was tackled by two Swedish students who straddled his cock and tried to get a handjob by sitting on his hand. When Brock resisted their advances, two others came to gleefully assault poor young Brock.

Finally cops arrived and ignored the teen swimmer being molested by the Swedes and their boys. There was, after all, a vagina present. All other concerns were secondary.

Angry at Brock's asserted heterosexuality the Swedes claimed they attacked him because he was raping the passed out Big Mama Updie. The cops ignored Brock's plight and trusted in the Swedes.

Later once none of Brock's DNA was found anywhere on Big Mama, exonerating him from the false accusations of the Swedes, the cops just changed the charge to fingering someone who is drunk, because that is illegal for some reason, even if the fingerer was also drunk and given permission to do it.

Brock is sadly now in jail for six months and banned from Stanford and the Olympics. FaceCunt banned saying that he should be allowed to swim in the Olympics, shutting down a group dedicated to that prospect. It is apparently against their civility policy to imply someone ought to die of Zika after first infecting every unconscious woman in California with pinhead rapist genes.


Like most trials of rapists, even the not guilty ones, the public was calling for blood from the moment he was charged for the offence. Much like suspending a zebra carcass above a tiger enclosure and then pissing off the tigers by taking away the carcass, leaving them only a little dribble of blood the courts decided a traditional sentence of ten years hard time was not appropriate for this aspiring young swimmer, choosing to be leniant with a 6 month sentence, so they don't ruin his life. Ironically, this shorter sentence has left the public in such a spiral of rage, that his life would probably have been better if he did serve a ten-year stretch.

This decision has inspired many walls of texts from angry bloggers, desperate to let anybody and everybody know how enraged they are that this woman they never met and will never think of again in two weeks time, was denied justice. Their colossal narcissism having no boundries, many have attached their own accounts of sexual assualt to their rant (now 99% fact-free). Of course, asking for any details concerning the police report they didn't file will result in be blocked faster than you can say mansplaining.

Did he really get away with it?

Of course he didn't. Whether or not you believe he deserves to be punished, the key detail being missed by the feminists demanding he be publicly guillotined and thrown out to sea is this: his life is over. Think about it: sex offender for life, already permabanned from swimming, unable to get a good job, publicly shunned like all rapists and kiddy diddlers are even after serving their sentence and worst of all, he remains ugly as shit. Justice or not, this man will be better off having his anus enthusiastically serviced repeatedly until he bleeds out in prison than he would be if the public gets hold of him, leaving him to hang in public like a lanky Mussolini. Lucky for him, he's not black!


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See also

External links

Brock Turner
is part of a series on
Surprise Sex

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