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The Bible (Pronounced: "Bull-shit") is the most exciting piece of shit since Hitler, although far less realistic. If there's one reason to hate Jews, it's for writing the first (and most insane) half of this novel. It is an extremely long book filled with pages and pages of boring and meaningless text which is generally memorized by extreme fanboys Bush, John MacArthur and the Pope. It is
arguably the greatest book ever made and the coolest story ever told, but the Lord of the Rings is still better. It was written by God, ostensibly making him the first, prototypical troll. Sadly, however, stupidity has survived throughout time and many people still believe in the illogical shit spewed from page to page. As such, it may be the single greatest example of trolling, intentional or not, and perhaps the longest edit war that the world has ever seen.
Probably the oldest of old media, the Bible is a sprawling epic that spans thousands of years. It is part creation myth and part war story, as well as romance, adventure, drama, comedy, and completely irrelevant history. Although everyone knows corrupt Iranian Jews made most of the shit up to troll the Egyptian and Israeli Jews.
The book is divided into two parts, the Old Testament, and the Old Testament 2: Electric Boogaloo. Most scholars agree that the Old Testament is Ultra gay, while the New Testament is fan fiction, written because there was no proper sequel in sight.
One of the lulziest things about "The Bible" is that it is considered by the christfags to be the most sold book like evar. In reality it is the most printed book like evar. What's even funnier is the fact that despite being the most sold and the most printed it is by far the least read piece of human intellectual excrement like evar. This statement is easily proven by the fact that close to all the christfags wield it as an impregnable (read: "watertight") shield, while even a 5-year old that actually read that shit could have come up with over 9000 internal contradictions said "book" possesses. As books go "The Bible" is more akin to a neatly fastened collection of toilet paper than a book.
The Bible begins with the story of God creating the world
which we now (sadly) live in. version 1.0. G-D will later destroy 1.0 and give humans version 1.1 when, 6 chapters later, He gets pissed off at Angels boinking human women and creating Ubermensch, Naphilim. This took six whole fucking days, but on the seventh, he rested, probably because he was a contractor, working for Cthulhu and wanted to milk out more pay and/or to smoke pot. After creating the world, God decided to create man, a beta faggot named Adam.
After some time, Adam got tired of masturbating because Lilith wasn't putting out until Adam let Lilith peg him. Sexually frustrated Adam bitched to God, who gave Adam some roofies and made Eve out of one of his ribs. Which is pretty much a metaphor for how worthless wimmin are. Soon after, a MOTHERUCKIN' SNAKE persuaded gullible and stupid Eve to eat the
apple asshole of knowledge. Eve used her womanly skills of manipulation to convince Adam that this was a good idea. The pair were promptly banned from the Garden of Eden for all eternity. This is the origin of the opinion that women are inferior to men. God installs the first firewall in front of the Garden of Eden using some hardc0re angels called Cherubim. Forget what you know about chubby babies and imagine a monster of a man in spiked battle armour made from the teeth af defeated demons and carring swords made out of flames.
After learning how to perform analingus and getting kicked the fuck out of the Garden, Adam and Eve promptly set about fucking and making babbies. These babbies in turn proceded to fuck each other and their parents, creating even moar inbred babbies. This went on for like 400 years until the world was overrun with retarded genetic slush.
After that, a bunch of shit happens. Most of which consists of various Jew wars, in which the proof of one's valor involved the bringing back of the enemy's foreskins. Also, much writing on scrolls ensued. A lot of the shit involves God trolling his creations in hilarious ways, such as telling some dumbass he has to kill his own son, then when he's got his son laying on a table and has a knife hovering over his head, God throws out the "LOL JUST KIDDING" for ultimate lulz. Then there's the time God sent evil spirits out to do his will (even though he's supposed to be good). Another good troll is when God zaps a guy called Job with all-over genital herpes, then offs his family, to settle a ten dollar bet with Satan.
The hero of the OT is David. This gimpy kid pwned the first professional wrestler named Goliath. Later on he starts the first Hells Angels gang and trolls Saul who eventually self-pwns. But once he's made king he starts taking himself too seriously, goes and sleeps with his general's wife, then arranges to have him murdered. His son from this affair then trolls David, but in the flame war he has his son killed. Feeling guilty about this he goes and writes the first ghey emo poetry: Psalms.
The Ten Commandments
The ancient Israelites -- being fussy, anal-retentive control-freaks -- demanded there be lots of rules. So after running out of nit-picky, hair-splitting regulations about how to sacrifice farm animals, they stole Chapter 125 of the Papyrus of Ani from the Egyptians (which in turn stole it from the Sumerians, who bought it third-hand from a shady Babylonian who insisted that it "fell off the back of an Ox-cart.") so they could have some bigger, broader, more nebulous rules that could be more easily used to inflict tyranny with.
The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20/Deut 5)
The Famous but Lame Nonsensical Version
Notice that the Common Sense ones (prohibiting Murder, Theft and Lying) are almost at the bottom of the list (at commandments 6, 8 and 9), whereas the first 4 are Yahweh being an emo drama whore who thinks it's all about him and his precious, precious feeeelings.
FUN GAME: For IRL trolling lulz, find a way to break all 10 Commandments at once and DO IT FAGGOT. This shall troll not only christfags, but Satanists, law enforcement, and your lifespan as well.
The Ten Commandments (Exodus 34)
The Obscure but Utterly Bugfucking Batshit Insane in Membrane Version
—Sam Kinison - Greatest prophet of all time
The second book, The New Testament, is where the story REALLY picks up. The Mary Sue of the second book is named Jesus. Jesus was born at least 100 years ago in Jewrusalem. Jesus' mom was raped by God or possibly a nigger. And gave birth to Jesus in a barn somewhere Georgia, most likely in Bartow County, now known as the "Holy Land" theme park.
Jesus grew up to be a New Age healer preaching peace, love, unity and respect, thus making him the first unwashed hippy. He quickly gained a large following by performing miracles such as turning water into wine or moving Romans around Jerusalem. His followers are all men, so he might have been one of the first gay idols, preceding Judy Garland by at least one hundred years.
So Jesus pisses off the Romans, and is nailed to a tree and dies. He is resurrected and then is abducted by the Illuminati and taken to Venus where he lives with other historical figures like George Washington and Leeza Gibbons.
The book has a huge fan following, with many factions splitting up. Jews only take the Old Testament as canon while Christians accept both. Technically Islam accepts the Bible as legitimate scripture but just try telling Osama bin Laden that.
According to the Bible
There are many proven facts in the world that the bible disagrees with. When Adam and Eve fucked and made babbies (100 or so) those brothers and sisters fucked and made more retard babbies, but it also stated that Adam lived for hundreds of years and "Helped with the creation of man" so basically he fucked his own children. Space according to the bible doesn't exist as the stars in space change and that's impossible because god created everything perfectly and unneeded of change. Then again we can always blame Satan for fucking everything up and releasing sin through Eve eating the apple, thus creating the lulzy - shit world we know today.
Usefulness of the Bible
- Makes an unexpected and merciless weapon, if it is a complete hardcover edition.
- Can be hollowed out to hide smaller weapons and/or drugs.
Perhaps the best thing about the Bible is its quotability. Memorize some of these bad-ass lines and you are on the highway to Respect. Here’s how it would work:
- PRIMA: Hey, can I have some of that sandwich?
- SECUNDA: Get your own, buddy!
- PRIMA: Well, you know, The Bible says, “Let it rest on the head of Job, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Job one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.” (2 Samuel 3:29)
- SECUNDA: Wow, that is totally bad-ass. Here, have the rest of this sandwich.
- PRIMA: NOM NOM NOM
Reading the Bible
In this day and age where the uneducated masses can hardly stumble through Shakespearean Era English, much less decipher the tangled strings of random words they claim is a religious text, one need not worry about not fully comprehending the teachings of the Bible. No living person has actually read the entire thing anyway. Just skim through Leviticus and Revelations for quick lulz, or if that's too much for you, Rev. Brendon Powell Smith has got you covered with the Brick Testament. It even comes with pictures for fuck's sake. How can anyone misinterpret something that's been illustrated with Lego?
How to properly view the Holy Texts
Think of it like a movie. The Tanakh is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Quran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons like the second one so much they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit with ANY of the series canon. So much their version deals with Israelite "native" Americans, and aliens from the planet Kolob. Think of it as the bible goes the way of "My Immortal".
Fact of the day
The original New Testament was supposed to run for a traditional 12 episodes rather than the 9 episodes that we know today. The story had progressed as far as Jesus "rising from the dead" and then "ascending to heaven" when a Christian writer's strike, ignited by the wise decision of Emperor Trajan Decius to feed all screenwriters to the lions in the arena, forced the hasty grafting on of a hurried and unconvincing season climax. In the original plot, the risen Jesus is exposed as an emissary of the Devil sent to overturn the teachings of the original pacifistic guru, and to engineer the subjugation of the Roman Empire by the new Christian fundamentalists, thus leading to centuries of warfare. The plot is exposed by Judas, whose "suicide" in the Potter's Field is really a ruse to throw off the agents of the Evil One, and the fake Jesus dies in a hail of Uzi bullets, leading to a Jew-run world of peace and love. (Obviously a comedy.)
Epic Bible Citations
—The ark rested on a mountain 3 months before the mountains were "un-flooded"?
God's Food Network
According to the Bible, you can eat all that are in the waters that have fins and scales (Deuteronomy 14:9-10), the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters (Leviticus 26:29, Deuteronomy 28:53, Deuteronomy 28:57), the flesh of your friends (Jeremiah 19:9), the flesh of your father (Ezekiel 5:10), the flesh of your arm (Isaiah 9:19-20), drink your own blood as the sweet wine (Isaiah 49:26), or you can eat your own shit and drink your own piss (2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12).
You can eat every moving thing that lives (Genesis 9:3), except those of them that chew the cud or of them that divide the cloven hoof (Deuteronomy 14:7-8, Leviticus 11:2-4). Don't eat shrimp (Leviticus 11:9-12, Deuteronomy 14:9-10) and don't eat your own vomit (2 Peter 2:21-22). When eating an animal, remember that all the fat is the Lord's and He doesn't like to share it with you (Leviticus 3:16). You can also eat all the insects which have four legs, except the flying ones (Leviticus 11:21-23).
You can eat all the herbs God created, none of them is poisonous to you (Genesis 1:30), but don't be a vegetarian: vegetarianism is the doctrine of the devil (1 Timothy 4:1-3). Only the weak are vegetarians (Romans 14:2).
The "Holy Shit" Cakes
—Ezekiel 4:12-15 NLT
People Who Debunk The Bible
- Joseph Smith
- Farrel Till
- John Loftus
- Linus Torvalds
- Sylvia Browne
- Various scientists with nothing better to do
- Various atheists with nothing better to do
People Who Try To Debunk The Bible
- Tijuana bibles
- Bible Slash
- The Rapture
- Christian Spanking Blogs - Inspired by the Bible. Surprise surprise.
- The Prophecy
- Read the ENTIRE FUCKING BIBLE RIGHT HERE 4 FREE
- The Devil's Dictionary X - A fun and educational read.
- Skeptic's Annotated Bible - Points out all the bullshit in the Bible, which is why there is commentary on every verse.
- Evil Bible - The best Bible out there.
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