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This article is about Bell Labs. For their evil successors, see AT&T
Here is why your internet sucks. And it is all Bell's fault

If you want to know why your internet is fucked up, blame Bell. Every single dirty rotten thing that has ever happened is all Bell's fault, as will be shown through this brief history. By the time you finish this article, you will have learned to hate Bell.


Bell System logo.gif

Alexander Graham Bell, a Canadian, invented the telephone. His first words were, "Stop cheating on my wife!" Soon, he starts his own telephone company and rakes in lots of dollars. Husbands soon realize that moving vast distances does not guarantee any avoidance of the dreaded mother-in-law. The Virginmobile offers cell phone service. Telemarketers are born. It is all Bell's fault.

The Dial-Up Connection

lol rotary

In 1963, the Bell 103 is invented. This is the first commercial modem, and it has has a connection rate of 300 bits a second -- prompting many users to collectively say, "WTF!". AOL is eventually born. It is all Bell's fault.

The UNIX Connection

In 1969, Bell doesn't give Ken Thompson and Dennis Ritchie a decent computer so they can run MULTICS. Thompson and Ritchie get pissed off, and decide to create UNIX. Soon, everyone is talking about kernels and shells. Geeks are born. It is all Bell's fault.

The Mac Connection

Sometime in the 60s, Bell decided to cut corners by using a 2600hz tone that signals that someone is about to make a long distance call. In 1971, Captain Crunch figures it out and invents the blue box -- allowing people to make free phone calls. Captain Crunch then meets Woz and shows him his gizmo. Soon Woz and Steve Jobs start making lots of money selling blue boxes. Steve Jobs gets the brilliant idea that if he can do so well selling blue boxes, he could probably sell other things too. He then convinces Woz to sell his little computer. Apple is born. It is all Bell's fault.

The BSD Connection

Bill Joy produces his own version of UNIX. Bell doesn't sue him, and UC Berkeley gives away the code. BSD (Berkeley Systems Distribution) is born, and Bill Joy later starts Sun Microsystems. Girlvinyl finds her life cause. It is all Bell's fault.

The H4X0r Connection

In 1990, vast sections of the U.S. are without phone system. Rather than admitting that their service is shitty, Bell blames the h4X0rs. The Secret Service (we're not making this up) goes on the hunt. Soon after, the Legion of Doom are busted up, and the Masters of Deception are brought down. Phiber Optik becomes famous. Kevin Mitnick becomes really, really famous. Kids begin to realize that the internet can make them famous. Skript kiddies, phishers, and pop-ups are born. It is all Bell's fault.

Don't Touch It

Later, Bell invented Plan 9. We don't know what it does, neither do we want to know. And don't even think about touching it. Just in case you do, remember: It will all be Bell's fault.

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