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Bears are godless killing machines without a soul, ten feet tall when standing upright, weighing in at about 1500 pounds when fully grown, with thick skin able to shrug off shotgun fire and nine-inch claws made of adamantium and "Fuck you."

After all, what ISN’T a bear? (Certainly not a miserable pile of secrets, since that's what a man is.) This is one of those completely useless and asinine questions that will clutter message boards and antiquated mailing lists for all of eternity. Simply asking will get you scoffed at derisively, laughed at, made fun of, told to shut the hell up, and given tons of haughty opinions, but not a real answer.

A bear is a (usually) faggot who (often) has emphasized secondary sex characteristics such as (frequently) facial and body hair as well as a (most of the time) larger body frame. The bear scene is (sort of) a niche of the gay community that (originally) was an alternative to the shallow mainstream of gay culture that (from a certain view point) only accepted certain body types. Ironically, the bear scene now does the exact same thing, just with a different body type (sometimes). A group of bears is a "Bear Whoar'd."

Bears and the Woods

Biologists believe that bears grow on trees, growing larger and heavier until they ripen and fall off. Then they go and eat campers.

To date, no bear has ever been observed to shit in the woods. However, anecdotal evidence from some guy suggests that bears do, in fact, shit in the woods. While the debate continues to rage, several major universities' Ursology departments have attempted to secure bailout funding from the Obama administration, with the hope that they can resolve the age-old mystery of whether bears shit in the woods, once and for all.

Terms & Titles

  • Beef: A catch-all for anything supposedly manly. However, many bears are om nom nomnivores. (read:bi)
  • Care Bears: Gay toys that star in gay movies that advertize gay toys
  • Panda Bear: The least racist of all bears as they're Asian, black and white all at once.
  • Polar bears: Old perverts who likes to touch little penguin boys.
  • Ursophile: An otherwise normal gay man with the repulsive tendency to have sex with every fatass in sight.

The History Of Bears

Back in the '70s there were fat men who hung out at gay discos. People called them bears because they were big and looked kinda like bears. This was actually an insult, but for some bizarre reason the faggots in San Fagcisco decided it was the next big trend, and created a line of priced to own merchandise that said "bear" on it (which you have to own or you're not a real bear). When the internets became popular in 1995 a bunch of pretentious fags created a mailing list where bears could whine about how much sex they don't have, spout off bearisms like "woof" and "grr" and "meaty", debate what is and isn't a bear (and the jury's still out on that one), and generally wank about who's who in the bear clique.

On The Internet

Bears like to be on the Internet, because then they don't have to be out in the real world where everyone else will make fun of them. As such, there have been many bear related websites, message boards, chatrooms, newsgroups, LJ groups, and other such "social" hubs. Some of the more famous ones include:

  • The Bear Mailing List: This was the first way for obese men to woof at each other over the internet and argue over what the word "bear" means.
  • A newsgroup. All the usual newsgroup dynamics apply (read: flame wars, drama, arguments about inane topics, etc.)
  • #bearcave: An IRC chatroom where obese men could woof at each other in real time. This was considered a great breakthrough as it allowed obese men to have cybersex without needing to pretend they were 15 year old blonde girls. Also known as EFnet's best warez channel, featuring all the best 0sec games, music, and movies on superfast bots by easily tricked n00bz.
  • A website where attention whores could post pictures and movies of themselves having sex with obese men and forever shame their families.
  • An internet hookup website that provides a nexus for obese men to conveniently look for other obese men in their area and have sex with them. An excellent tool for stalkers. Functions similar to MySpace in that old fat men will look at your profile and then proposition you for sex while adding you to their friend list. Bear411 is run by a racist pig.
  • tubebear: A website [1] for fat pedophiles to display their disgusting bodies through webcams and making up loser profiles for themselves

Bear Lore

Always take care to stay out of reach of a bear's thick, bestial arms, lest raep occur.
  • ‎ Those pussy, furbait faggots, the wolves, only wish they could be as mean as a bear. However, even in a pack, none of those prissy little bitches would dare to take on a pissed as fuck, 900 pound grizzly.
  • Their laser eye blasts can erase your existence from the consciousness of the universe. Your soul will die, any people who exist or are still alive because of you will disappear and nobody will remember you.
  • Shooting a bear in the face will only serve to make it mildly annoyed.
  • Bears can hate you so hard that everyone who has ever known you will think you're gay.
  • Their claws were used to cut diamonds when no diamonds had been sharpened enough to cut other diamonds.
  • Anyone who wears a bear pelt will constantly be at 68 degrees Fahrenheit, whether he be in Antarctica or Australia. However...
  • A bear's pelt is indestructible, and therefore cannot be made into clothing.
  • A bear's two favorite foods are mountains and fear. Happiness is their favorite dessert.
  • After mankind agreed that the jetpacks bears wear are cool, bears invented electricity so they could act like they were going to make jetpacks for everyone and then totally not do that.
  • Bears also invented metal so they could have something to listen to when they rape.
  • Bears can understand English, but only a few words, and they hear all English as these words, in order: "Would you please rape me to death, Mr. Bear?"
  • They can also speak English, but only the words: "As you wish, human."
  • Bears hate it when people repeat themselves. Combine that with the previous fact and you will see that it is a very bad idea to beg for your life if you've already said anything to a bear.
  • All bears have diplomatic immunity in all countries, as well as life insurance policies on every living thing in the universe. Remember that as you try to sleep tonight.
  • Most bears are registered pilots. Nobody really knows why.
  • Bears can't stand losing at anything.
  • A bear never loses at anything, ever.
  • Bears hate the above two facts because bears hate to see a single drop of hate go to waste.
  • Bears were created by God so that human beings wouldn't get too fucking uppity.

The Future Of Bears

Scientists and crackpot psychics have proven to us that bears will one day become our overlords. Scientists have finally agreed on the scientific fact that "nothing is immune to bear". An underground group of counter-bear freedom fighters are working ahead of time to save our society from the menace to come.

What you can do to help save our race from bears

Distract them with donuts, then ask them what a bear is. This will cause so much infighting (and eventual flamewars) that the bears will be unable to pose any real threat to our civilization.

It could also help to skin them, but be warned: Skinning a bear should aggro every bears in a 40 yard radius. It makes sense, you are actually skinning their best friend.



The only difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to be credible.


—Mark Twain


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See Also

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