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Merge-arrows.gif It has been suggested that this article should be merged with Germany. To find out moar, spam the goddamn talk page.
Believe it not! It's kangaroo-hating propaganda!
Typical wikipedia confusion of Austria and Australia

Austria is a former superpower, immediately south of Bavaria, later Third Reich jurisdiction and current home to cute kangaroos. The latter fact is often negated by Austrian kangaroo-denialists, due to widespread kangaroo-hatred in the population (Look at this, asstards!). Austria is often confused for Australia by the educationally challenged classes, also known as "retards", or "Wikipedia editors". In contrast to Australia, Austria is most notable for her long (national-) socialist tradition, arms industry, vibrant Nazi culture and community, as well as her internationally acclaimed pedophiles.

Notable Austrian politicians in a nutshell

name occupation died an hero international pariah jew-hater Gaddafi-lover kangaroo-denialist
Adolf Hitler president 1945 yes yes arguably n.a. no
Bruno Kreisky chancellor 1990 no no yes yes no
Kurt Waldheim president 2007 no yes yes yes no
Jörg Haider governor 2008 sort of yes yes yes no

(Listed in the order of their demise; the most famous Austrian politician Arnold Schwarzenegger does not belong in the list above, because he is neither an open anti-semite nor dead yet.)

Austrian pedophiles who made frontpage news across the globe

Keeping raep in the family
Hilarious place-name sign in Fucking, Austria. The text below transliterates to: "Please, not so fast!" 'nuff said.
This news article is full of win.
  • Dr Sigmund Freud, who discovered infantile sexuality and wrote all sorts of papers on the subject he investigated empirically, including monographs on the remarkable wins of blow.
  • Josef Fritzl, who personally begot and bred a harem of incest lolis in the secret basement of his home. For extra lulz and to the delight of the public at large, he cremated one of his offspring in a tailormade oven.
  • Wolfgang Priklopil, who captured a then 10-year old and now famous chick named Natascha Kampusch in 1998 and entertained a sexual relationship with her until 2006, when she became legal. Despite being taken to expensive skiing outings and all sorts of social events by her mentor, Natascha Kampusch claimed that she had been raeped and held in captivity for eight years (the so-called "Nuremberg defense", see below.) Austria's corners of the mouth went south when Priklopil died an hero before reporters could interview him on Natascha's sexual performance. When she refused to talk about the more spicy aspects of her ordeal slowly and in detail on national television, the infuriated Austrian masses wanted their outrage back.

History of Austria

In terms of drama and lulz, Austria is a gusher -- even more so if you consider its smallish population of a mere 8 million. Here are a handful of over 9000 historical hysterical lulz.

Late 19th century: Sigmund Freud crackpottery

Austrian Steampunk neurologist Sigmund Freud was chronically donning his trollface and infuriating the uptight medical establishment and bourgeoisie alike

  • with open cocaine abuse
  • by recommending prostitutes for healing sex-related chips on the shoulder
  • by advocating creative use of "Apollo" candlesticks by elderly widows
  • by writing prescriptions for "big, hard cock" for females diagnosed as neurotic troublemakers
  • by making the interpretation of dreams a science
  • by declaring infantile sexual urges the center and commanding heights of the human psyche (lol, what a kook!)

All attempts to silence Freud by smearing him as an anti-semite backfired for two reasons:

  • in late 19th century, everyone was, all the time
  • Freud was openly Jewish himself

The straw that broke the camel's back was Freud's advocacy of medical cocaine for eye surgery. In 1938, decades after the peak of his lulz, Dr. Freud's stupid books were finally prohibited and burned in all of Austria. He and his family were b& from the country for "compulsive trolling" and had to emigrate to the U.S., where Freud was welcomed with open arms by the nascent swinger/wicca/emo movements. Freud built a new career on teaching other jews how to scam money and copulations from rich female marks with "psychoanalysis".

1914: Gavrilo Princip ambush

(For main article, see: World War I)

A 19-year old Serbian boy named Gavrilo Princip triggered World War I with a simple gesture: he shot dead Archduke Franz-Ferdinand of Austria while His Majesty was parading a brand-new luxury limousine in front of a wide-eyed audience of peasants. Like in all quality trolling, little effort quickly escalated to an epic shitstorm that dragged many grownups and old media into the name calling and pwnage. Four years after the incident, Austria had lost her first great war and abolished royalty and nobility altogether, just to be safe from future trolling. The former superpower was reduced to a patch of forest in backyard, fucked-up Europe where gay werewolfs sodomized local retards. Bravo - bravo - bravo, Gavrilo Princip!

1939: Adolf Hitler's self-actualization

(For main article, see: Adolf Hitler)

(For another main article, see World War II)

After a failed career as a slacker dude and painter, Adolf Hitler quit dreaming his life and started living his dream. By instigating World War II, the Austrian non-smoker and vegetarian turned Europe into ashes and bloodshed and singlehandedly created the entire Stalag genre. Even seven decades later, Hitler's invention of the Holocaust is an unfailing source of drama, lulz and humor. In 1945, when faced with the show-trial by the Allied Forces, Austria put all the blame on Germany and came clear right after the death and destruction it created. The cheap ruse: simply give the deceased, helpless Adolf Hitler German citizenship posthumously. Austrian henchmen and generals repeated "we were being raeped by The Man" until the gullible Nuremberg judges acquitted Austria of all wrong-doings and war-crimes. Since then, the reliable magic of the surprise sex excuse is known as the "Nuremberg defense" to countless pregnant females. For Austria's torturers, snitches and war-trolls the Nuremberg defense even worked without bringing roofies into the picture, which had yet to be invented in 1945. The entire toil of coming to terms with a past of genocide, tyranny and complicity was left to the German post-war generation of artists and politicians, who produced all sorts of self-loathing, moralfagging, amateurish, whiny shit in the process. For what it's worth, Austria's post-war intelligentsia didn't bother with that.

1985: Kurt Waldheim's winning bid for presidency

Like Waldheim, Bruno Kreisky (himself infact a Jew) was a big jew-hater . Austria had to take a lot of crap for that hug. NOT GAY!

Former Austrian UN general secretary Kurt Waldheim, and, by extension, Austria, was b& from entering the United States or any of her sockpuppet states due to Nazi issues, right before Waldheim's election as president of Austria. Unlike the Austrian electorate, the global power-elite frowned upon Waldheim's active role in the Waffen-SS and execution of jewish, retarded and homosexual criminals in the Third Reich. For unknown reasons, this past behavior deemed unquestionable when Waldheim was head of the United Nations, but not for the president of an obscure country in Central Europe. The worldwide flamewar and fingerpointing and he said/she said over whose friends ordered taxidermy of which jews for whose vestibule and how many gassed toddlers could dance on the tip of Austria's soap industry in 1943 was raging on for more than a year and made Waldheim's campaign a landslide success. However, due to the ban, Waldheim spent most of his time as Austria's elected president

  • twiddling thumbs
  • watching the clock
  • phoning home to Elisabeth Waldheim, asking what's for dinner
  • secretly fapping to Stalag comics
  • periodic television addresses in which he explained to his citizens that foreign politicians and ambassadors were boring and stupid and nobody needed those losers anyway

The only diversion from that unlulzy routine were occasional visits to Libya's president, Muammar Gaddafi, or however he was spelled back then, for discussing jewish issues and negotiating arms- and oils deals.

1989: Waltraud Wagner euthanasia cabal

The Austrian nurse, "Angel of Death" and "super-slut who does not gross out of anything" Waltraud Wagner made it onto the frontpage of the New York Times with her personal brand of assisted dying. As revealed in court, she had drowned and overdosed dozens of senior citizens and recruited several female co-workers for helping her mission in the newly formed "death pavillon" at the Lainz General Hospital. During the trial, Waltraud Wagner raved about her joy of "playing god" and killing people, what did not exactly contribute to mitigating circumstances. The "super-slut" attribute turned out to be a miscommunication, based on sloppy research by investigative 'Kronenzeitung' reporters, Austria's most influential tabloid and official paper of record. The confessions of Waltraud Wagner's bukkake-buddies were extremely truthful and interesting, but misleading. Too bad for Waltraud Wagner that she shared the same name with some other Austrian nurse. And too bad that the "Kronenzeitung" never took back the false reporting. For what it's worth, nobody accused the murderess of anti-semitism.

2000: Jörg Haider EU banhammer

It's pun-time with Jörg, folks!
Haider sexting to cock monsters
Austria got a lot of oil for mint condition antiques like this

Austria was b& from international diplomatic relations again when Nazi-troll and standup-comedian Jörg Haider finally managed to hack the country's oligarchy democracy and made it into the Austrian federal government. The European Union's nomenklatura, being the anti-anti-semite and humourless cesspool that it had always been, was absolutely, positively, not amused by Haider's

  • holocaust limericks
  • puns on prominent jews' firstnames
  • crude shoops of rabbis and ponies

and decreed the entire country (which technically hadn't even elected Haider) unfit for the community of nations. That pissed off even some Austrians, who went as low as exploiting Haider's homosexuality for ad hominem arguments in debates on

  • Hitler's job-generating stimulus packages
  • exact number of jews in penal institutions like Auschwitz
  • whether Josef Mengele plagiarized his doctoral thesis
  • human rights abuses by bad apples in the Third Reich's Gestapo

Most Austrians, however, applauded the banhammer, revealing pronounced isolationist (read: anti-EU) tendencies in the population. In subsequent years, Haider focused his mindshare- and community-building efforts to the Arab world, where he traded

for tanks, cannons, Glocks and Hitler PEZ dispensers with local despots. In particular, Libya's Muammar Gaddafi, or however his name was spelled in 2000, became close friends with and mentor of Haider and many an inspiration for his future rhetorics, wardrobe and make-up.

In 2011, the Mossad assassinated Haider for being a nuisance to their global schemes, by making him the victim of a single-vehicle "accident". The Jews were so confident that they would get away with it that they didn't even bother to do a proper job of making him seem like a drunk driver, since it is a scientific fact that Haider (who drank sparingly and only Spritzers at that) had apparently consumed the equivalent of a litre of 90 per cent proof vodka in less than sixty minutes, while in public and under constant watch from bar staff who saw him drink virtually nothing, and all that alcohol was found in his blood samples but absolutely no alcohol was found in his stomach. Nope, nothing to see here, move along please.

2008: Josef Fritzl incest controversy

(For main article, see: Josef Fritzl)

In 2008, a man named Josef Fritzl polarized Australia and the world with pornographic revelations involving various female family members and a secret raep dungeon with a built-in crematorium for deceased sex-slaves. Judges and reporters couldn't get enough of Fritzl's fappy confessions and sexy testimonials of his victims, while moralfags condemned Fritzl and his loev life as "unfunny", even "despicable". The evolution of Fritzl's rise to international superstardom and ensuing cat fight between his victims over movie rights is documented in a comprehensive manner in a dedicated article -- see Josef Fritzl.

Austria: Then & Now



The official language of Austria is German, although most Germans deny this due to phonetic and comprehension issues. However, Black Jesus was absolutely wrong when he talked about an "Austrian language", because there is no such thing. That brother would not look misplaced over at Wikipedia with his sheer, "unbiased" idiocy:

(Someone should warn The White House Uncle Tom's Cabin that entering Austria is never safe for negroes, and that local law-enforcement is not of much help in that regard, more to the contrary.)

Culture in Austria

Jörg Haider died in this car after partying hard. Or was it a jewish trap set up by one of his pun victims? Be that as it may, Jörg is in hell now, feasting on Satan's monster cock. His premature death made Haider almost as popular as Hitler.

High-browed culture like the opera, fine arts and museums is more or less limited to Austria's capital in the east - Vienna - constituting 1.5 million of her 8 million inhabitants, but that cynical crap is almost exclusively consumed by foreign tourists. Austria's provinces outside Vienna are more agriculture-oriented, with all the joys that come with it: (illegal) tractor racing, square-dance, incest, sex with farm-animals and homebrew shit-mist how grandma made it. Typical provincial mouth-breathers only occasionally venture into "the big, scary city", because their numerous distinctive dialects are mutually incompatible and very different from both standard German and the Viennese variety of it. However, for the rustic demography, Vienna's main attractions are exactly the same as for the urban locals: gambling, hard drugs (i.e. non-jenkem) and partying, as well as extremely affordable immigrant prostitutes from Hungary, Russia and Romania.

Austrian pop-music can't do without the holocaust, of course (chorus at 2:19):

Austrian tractor hooligans dance and fap to this shit:

Austria in popular culture

Notable Austrians

The emblem of Judenburg, Austria. See also: Jew Hat

See also

External links

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