In 1996, Toby Gard had a dream. After he had cleaned himself off with tissues, he invented Lara Croft, Tomb Raider and everything else himself with no help whatsoever from anybody else. Then he invented Galleon and the film Cradle of Life. Meanwhile thanks to the efforts of cosplayers to get their boyfriends/girlfriends/dogs off whilst dressed as Lara Croft a spin-off game was created on the back of the new sex craze. All of this would be of no interest to the readers of ED if it was not for the explosion of Tomb Raider forums, chatrooms, fanfiction and merchandising that have swamped the internets, filling all of the tubes with milky white liquid.
Lulziest quote ever
Tomb Raider is a common masturbation tool for 13 year old boys who don't use the ED porn challenge. As Lara Croft has tits, she is a clear subject for rule 34. However, there are very few good artists who bother with her, so what we are left with is shitty 3-D renders from the same sick fuck who thinks having her shit out raccoons from her snatch is hot.
To fill this need, in 1997 a site called Nude Raider developed nude patches for Tomb Raider 2. They had found a niche market for people who wanted to jerk off to horrible triangular pixelated breasts that were made worse by equally bad nude hacks. But Eidos demolished the shit out of the site, and currently own the url.
Edios then did it themselves, giving Lara different outfits for players to jerk off to, including generic skin-tight catsuits and bikinis, culminating in a crotchless scuba suit for the forthcoming game Tomb Raider Underpants.
The Many Deaths of Lara
- Falling off a high place and dying
- Falling into a spike pit
- Caught in an explosion
- Burned alive
- Getting eaten by a dinosaur.
- Cut to shreds by spinning blades
- Crushed to death
- Shot to death
- Savaged to death by a variety of angry animals, including bats, rats, endangered species, and dinosaurs.
- Caught in a car crash
However, as she is loaded from getting shitloads of cash from when her parents kicked the bucket, thus gaining the title 'Lady', she will eventually die in a car crash.
Two incredibly crapass, artistic movies were made based on the games: Lara Croft, Tomb Raider and Lara Croft, Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. The first one is distinguished by Angelina Jolie's massive tits. The second one has smaller tits and Gerard Butler. Neither movie had any distinguishable plot, beyond "grab old thing and shoot the fuck out of people." The movies are generally watched by sick fucks or nasty disgusting old whores who masturbate to either star.
NEW!!! Tomb Raider: Ascension - fan made film that's not quite as good as The Cradle of Life. Doesn't star Angelina Jolie.
Lara does the Silver Ring Thing
There is a bizarre section of the Tomb Raider community that insist that Lara Croft is a virgin (as well as being teetotal, a non-smoker and a non-user of cusswords). Safe to say that these people are either;
- American My Little Pony fans who have never met a real British woman
- Disney fans who are scared by Nude Raider
- Religious fanatics with an agenda.
Balancing these delusionals out are the equally delusional people who suspect Lara Croft is bisexual or lesbian, possibly because they think it is naughty to do so, or because they identify Lara too much with Angelina Jolie. We'd post links, but most of them would have been to conversations at Justin J. Farr's Tomb Raider Forums that have been deleted by the Eidos marketing department.
Working on Lara is good for your career
Toby Gard not whining again .
Tomb Raider Loli (2012)
Dateline 062211; In order to make more monies, Square Penis have decided to go for the Japanese used panties demographic to try and claw back credibility after the failure of Tomb Raider Underpants to raise a semi. Their latest wizard wheeze is to introduce an underage (13) Eurasian girl named Laura-san into a Silent Hill/torture porn scenario involving pain, dirt, bondage and gasps that can be interpreted as orgasmic or agonised depending on what floats your boat.
This enthusiasm wasn't just echoed by the "beautiful people" paid/bribed to sell the game - TR:Loli also won over long term fans as can be seen from this reaction on Twitter;
Angel of Darkness versus Uncharted: the Great Debate
|Game||Tomb Raider Angel of Darkness||Uncharted: Drake's Fortune|
|Character||Kurtis Trent||Nathan Drake|
|Special Power||Gay||Falls over and/or breaks things|
|Weapons||Boomerang, chapstick||Beret, raincoat|
|Sidekick||Scrappy Doo||Elena Fisher|
|Vehicle||Dream Machine||Runaway shopping cart|
|Catchphrase||"It was the sanitarium director all along"||"Ooh Betty"|
|Main flaw||Fucking hippy||Linear gameplay|
Crystal Dynamics's "Tomb Raider" Gallery
Gallery of Lara in Action
Lara dies topless in quicksand fap fap fap
Deviant Raider - Lara as otherkin
Not everybody at ED hates furries. However there is something ironic about portraying Lara Croft as a furry, given that of all the imaginary characters not in the real world, she is the one most likely to mow Otherkin down in a hail of lead. To paraphrase Tomb Raider's most famous fanfiction writer "Yiff in Hell, Furfags," shrieked Lara. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Lara's "Special" Youtube Showcase
Tomb Raider fans are obviously not talented or witty, and are not at all gay.
Lara's "Special" DeviantART Showcase
- Les Six - important people in the Laraverse
- Nihilistic Snake - a more Muslim soyboy in the Laraverse
- Assassin's Creed
- Lara's Offical MySpace LOL WUT?
- Typical Lara Fanfiction
- "XNALara", the perfect synthesis - Lara meets DeviantArt meets Canadian basement dweller meets shitty computer graphics meets Rule 34.
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