Almost raped

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Lifetime: Television for the almost raped.
Secluded trails: Typical female behavior to get almost raped.
If you want it to end, become an hero.

The phenomenon of being almost raped is one of the countless by-products of the young, bored, collegiate version of liberal guilt, which has also given us e-Psychiatrists, the distressingly long-lived bi-curious trend, and, of course, Daddy's Money Lesbians. It may also be the way women get their share of lulz.

See any feminist- or lesbian-oriented community:

"I was almost raped during my freshman year of college!"
"A friend of mine was almost raped so I know what you're going through, moon-sister."

The following is a few typical examples of a woman's courageous "almost raped" story:

I was almost raped in a bar last year. I had a couple drinks, then a guy came up to me and we started talking. Later, he asked "Do you want to have sex?" and I said "yes". We went back to his place, got naked, I sucked him off, and just as he was about to place his penis in my vagina, I screamed "OMIGOD YOU SICK FUCK!" and called the cops. He's currently serving a 10 year prison sentence.-lulz
One morning, I was walking down the street, when suddenly a big creepy man approached me. He threateningly said, "Excuse me miss, you caught my attention and I just thought I'd ask if you would like to go out with me sometime." Being gripped with fear and unable to speak, I shook my head no. He smiled, showing off his undeserved privilege, and responded "Thought I'd try, thanks anyway!" As I looked back to make sure he was walking away from me, I saw a fellow across the street glancing in our general direction. I realized then, that my rapist was probably scared off by him. I was almost raped; that person probably doesn't even realize he saved my life that day.
Seven years ago, this guy came up to me at the bus stop. He and I talked for a while. Then he gave me his phone number and I called him a few times and we would have long chats. We became close friends. He was totally cute, but I wasn't sure if I should make a move and destroy such a strong friendship. One day this year after we had dinner at his house, we were both on the couch watching TV. Then he turned the volume down. He told me he thought I was sexy, then we started making out and literally ripping each others clothing off. I was so intrigued. But then he took out his...THING...and I started rubbing it and licking it. Then he got me on all fours, I was getting so wet. Then he slid himself inside me, I screamed and he pulled out immediately. "That was totally uncalled for you disgusting pervert" I screamed and ran out crying. Then I went to the police station and told them I was raped, I gave them his name and phone number. Now he is in prison for non-consensual sodomy.

If you are almost raped, you can go post in Don't Date Him, Girl like all the other women who regret going on a date with some jackass.

The Hilarious Irony

The irony of all this is of course the fact that by drawing comparisons between things like getting killed in a video game and horrific, real life, physical violations, is that in doing so they effectively cheapen the seriousness of real rape and turn it into something laughably stupid and inconsequential by that comparison. They are, in effect, actually damaging their own cause, making real rape seem as though it's nothing more than a joke and all for the desperate, wanton attempt of drama whores who want to try and victimize themselves for the sake of racking up pity points and circle jerks from their fellow "moon sisters".

What Counts as Almost Raped

Surveillance footage of an almost raped victim wearing the key evidence shortly before being plugged up like a bowling ball.
It's not ræp if it's for teh lulz. Example: Dissected-chan
  • Talking to a man
  • Accidentally using your best friend's dildo.
  • Attending a party with a future Supreme Court justice (See Brett Kavanaugh).
  • A man accidentally bumping into you.
  • A man offering to pay for your drink, especially if he asks for your number after accepting multiple free drinks.
  • A man asking for the time.
  • A man too dumb or poor to read the time off his phone.
  • Being looked at in a lascivious manner.
  • Being looked at.
  • Being smiled at by a black man.
  • Jogging alone in the park.
  • Jogging.
  • If your lady-friend tells you your boyfriend is a pig/pervert/serial murderer.
  • If you have a friend you're deeply envious of because she has a boyfriend who's a pig/pervert/serial murderer.
  • Nearly being looked at in a lascivious manner.
  • Nearly being looked at in a lascivious manner and then finding a way to make idiots give e-money to you.
  • A male within 50 feet of you.
  • A male within 15 meters (that's technically closer).
  • Seeing a sexy female character in video game.
  • Seeing a sexy female character in a video game you're not playing (PROTIP: RUN).
  • If you are alone with any guy named Tyler or Chad for more than 35 seconds .
  • Leading a sexually fulfilling relationship (this, of course, will never happen to you).
  • Being outside in the dark (Note: this does not apply to you fat, lonely girls emptying the cat box at night).
  • Reading ED
  • All of the above

Listening to a Story of Almost Raped: How to Tell

A victim of almost rape will tell a story, usually involving alcohol, of a date in which the man gets somewhat frisky, leading to a bedroom encounter in which the victim undresses, and suddenly becomes rather terrified of the erect penis inside or outside of the attacker's pants, and may or may not include a lot of screaming.

One thing leads to another, and she says no, sometimes repeatedly, and the attacker listens to her and gives up. The victim, in telling the story, will frequently break down and cry at this point, or act out some other form of attention whoring.

Acting sweet and vulnerable will get you "almost raped" every time.

This is usually a good time to offer to stick it in her vagoo.

The victim of almost rape will frequently discuss how "traumatic" the experience was, and may develop triggers, which will cause the listeners to roll their eyes and lol. Additionally, the victim of almost rape almost invariably leaves anonymous comments on his or her blog, enabling further attention from strangers.

Another example of the story is the revenge angle, wherein a girl will attempt to get back at a guy for their perceived ill actions by lying about being raped. A prime example of this is the Jasmin McMillan tale...

The easiest way to tell is if a woman who you do not know very, very well claims to be raped. Real rape™ is a devastating and very personal experience, and victims of real rape™ do not generally treat it as dinner-party conversation. If any woman with whom you are barely more than acquainted tells you she was raped, you can very safely assume not only that she is lying, but that if you have anything to do with her she will be telling other people that you raped her as well. Always Be Recording, peoples.

Jasmin McMillan and the Elusive Rapist

Once upon a time in a town called Brapkamsted, a girl called Jasmin was starved of attention, and decided that she would claim that she was raped, just to make people like her more. Unfortunately, everyone laughed due to nobody caring. After realizing that her story needed some spicing up, she decided to put some names to the vicious attack on her ham wallet, focusing on (what we will call for privacy purposes), Nob Roliver and Meg Semen. After the shit had hit the fan, Jasmin subsequently went into a BAW overdrive, and decided that she would take this shit off the road and GET TO THE CHOPPA, blaming (who we will call for privacy purposes) Penny Hooks for making up the entire story, even though Nob and Meg were her own best friends.

It was at this point, that the shit didn't just hit the fan, it blew up C4 style. She was outcasted from every social group evar, and has been IRL trolled and vagamagina blocked by every guy within 30 miles. Except (who we will call for privacy purposes) Martin Stickley.

Jasmin's MySpace can be seen in the external links, where upon she should be ribbed like a nigga.

because MySpace really cares...

Consequences of Being Almost Raped

Consequences for the Almost Rapist

  • A skyrocket in Man points!!! Not quite; you didn't seal the deal.
  • Spending the next few years with Bubba, your black person cellmate

Method of prevention

Demonstrated to be at least 51% effective.

The question of being almost raped

Rap star Tori Amos: patron saint of the almost raped, made an entire album about being almost raped.
OK... in the Cornflake Girl book it says that she was raped at gun-point and everyone is saying that she wasn't...I AM SOOOO CONFUSED!!! Please help. Love


—Tori Amos Fan being so confused. Source

Agreeing to being raped

Phone 4 Sex plz. Also note the article below it about the Iraqi gangster reported dead. Totally doesn't mean anything compared to some skanks.

A new case in the UK (As seen to the right) has shown that it is now possible to be raped with consent, so now people who were almost raped can be the filthy whores they really want to be and still get to act butthurt and cry about their experience on Don't Date Him, Girl.

Unfortunately for Nice guys everywhere, the only time that this is applicable is when you use a bargaining chip to get her to spread her legs, for instance:

If you haven't offered her any of the above or similar, then she has to stop you short of plowing into her axe wound. Just to make sure that you haven't offered her any sort of incentive to partake in intercourse with you, you might want to do it without her permission.

People who have been Almost Raped

Claudia Thorn almost raped...
...but then was OK with it.

Of course anyone on this list should be IRL & OL trolled because, well, they are transparent liars.


People who actually have been raped, for real, generally don't bring it up as a conversation topic with virtual strangers.


In the butt. Note: Willow Glen (the school in which "Jimmy" is from) is full of nigras, meaning, yes, she got raped.


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See Also

External Links

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Almost raped
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Surprise Sex

Forms of Rape

Almost raped 💔 Asking for it 💔 Ass Rape 💔 Baby Rape 💔 Cyberrape 💔 Fart Rape 💔 Date Rape 💔 Earrape 💔 Fart rape 💔 Gay Rape 💔 Prison Rape

Rapey Stuff

Battle Raper 💔 Netorare 💔 Rape Checklist 💔 Rape Clock 💔 Rape culture 💔 Rape dollars 💔 Raped Statistics 💔 Rape Kit 💔 RapeLay 💔 💔 RapeX 💔 Raping Little Suzy 💔 Sharking 💔 You Gonna Get Raped

[No means no!Moar ræp plox!]

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Almost raped is part of a series on ED5 Pollfest Top 16.
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Featured article November 10, 2006
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