Alcohol (also known as liquor, booze, hooch, lush, and rape fuel) is man's greatest achievement. It was invented in 1920 and named after notorious Sicilian Sumo Wrestler AlCopone. Failure to regularly enjoy alcohol makes you a stupid mormon faggot. It's consumed by people who enjoy its ability to make them completely retarded. Despite what mormon propaganda may say, there are no negative effects from alcohol consumption as wives always deserve their beatings, drunk driving is way more fun than regular driving, and what did your liver ever do for you anyway?
Sometimes the mind needs a little unhinging, something to help all the synapses fire at once. Certainly, the correlation between boozing it up and the creation of great literature is a time-tested truism: just ask Dylan Thomas, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allen Poe, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Herman Mellville, Eugene O'Neill, Truman Capote, William Faulkner, James Joyce, Jack London, or Ann Coulter, though it did help pwn the first four.
The fact of one's insobriety is an excellent reason (all may agree) to post to your favorite blog, BBS, or message board (because why talk to real people whilst drunk when you can be on teh internetz, right?). You hit your stride, your muse sticks her tongue straight into your ear, all your arguments are unassailable, everybody loves you, and your directionless passion explodes in the forensic equivalent of Great Solar Stance kung-fu. Then you go to bed and, when you wake up, you've been transported to a parallel Bizarro-universe where actually you sounded like an ass and every loveless dweeb is calling you on it. Also you might vomit. Unfortunately, alcohol is one of the largest proprietors of retardedness, 2nd only to Naruto.
By this mystical, counter-intuitive path it may be supposed that some drama results. Do not blame the alcohol, however; blame the mortal vessel too weak to refract its blinding genius into an intense, coherent beam. And, by all means, have some more.
As a side note, one can always drink moar alcohol. It is a proven medical fact that no amount of alcohol is enough to be fatal. This is absolute truth, and you should go out and drink right now because it will make you attractive. Enjoy your alcoholic coma, guaranteed you will wake up half an hour after you have to be somewhere. It's not like you had anything better to do anyway.
Types of Alcohol
Vodka is the staple food and drink of Russia. Today, vodka is made from grains, but originally by the Polish niggers from potatoes, which were cleverly stolen from the Irish in 1845. Vodka is known for tasting completely identical to nail polish remover no matter what; you could switch a friend's pricey bottle of Grey Goose with some piss-poor Gilbey's, and the stupid bastard wouldn't even know the difference. It is because of this completely neutral taste that vodka is a perfect drink for mixing. Many vodkas also come in artificial flavors so that gay people can enjoy it too. Drink it straight from the bottle for lulz, best done under bridges or at school. You should drink Russian Standard faggot, it will put hairs on your chest AND your liver.
Whiskey is what real men drink. Made from grains, this stuff is really good for you -- especially the whiskey in plastic "traveler" bottles that cost less than 10 dollars. They usually have names like Ten High, or Old Crow, and drinking one of those in a night is a sure way to wake up in jail the next morning. There is American whiskey (aka Bourbon), Canadian whiskey (aka Rye), Irish whiskey, Tennessee whiskey, the only commercially made brand of which is Jack Daniels, and Scotch whisky (note the missing e; a testament to the reputation of the Scots being somewhat Jew). English whiskey is also rumoured to exist, but no-one gives a shit about England.
A special type of whiskey all by itself. This is the preferred drink for the real men of real men. Generally of the Kentucky sour mash variety, this can cure GOTIS since they'll be so busy staying away from the bottle that they will forget all about the computer. Girls don't like this shit so you can keep them in the kitchen using clever bourbon tactics.
Another special type of whiskey that originates in Scotland. This drink is fucking awesome! If you don't enjoy scotch, fucking kill yourself now. I'm not even joking. The difference between scotch and lesser whiskey's (Bourbon, Rye, etc) is that it cannot be legally be brewed in America, and still be called scotch. Drink stright out of the bottle for the lulz.
There are four kinds of rum: light, dark, spiced, and faggot. Light rum is for mixing (if you're a woman) or for light shooters...but really who wants a light shooter? Dark is for cooking if you're a bitch; otherwise, you drink that shit straight out of the bottle, neat, or on the rocks. Spiced does just fine on its own but Captain Morgan is garbage and Bacardi is just Puerto Rican shit water. And faggot is tarnished with coconuts, pineapples, and AIDS for total pussies who can't handle the real shit. Please note, Bacardi sucks ass, and is widely served in bars of the homosexual variety. Not that I would know.
Invented by Mexicans at least 100 years ago, tequila (and its buttbaby half-brother, mezcal) is made from the distilled essence of fermented burritos, mixed with the ball-sack sweat of hard-working Mexican men (Actually it's made from the Agave tequilana plant you faggot). It tastes like a mixture of paint thinner and sour milk, and drinking it often leads to epic lulz; AKA: projectile vomiting (at least in feeble gringos), explosive diarrhea, and sex with fat people. There is even a song about it. For proper usage, one should:
- Lick a line of salt.
- Down a shot of tequila.
- Immediately bite into a slice of lime.
- Rape the closest 4-legged creature and collapse halfway into your nut.
Japan's answer to vodka, only something like a mix of wine and beer, hence why rice wine or rice booze. Unless the connisuer of this particular liquor is pretty well knowledged, weeaboos often ruin the party due to them usually being the ignorant dumbfuckers they are- In other words, fail. Not only would they just drink this for the japaneseness of sake, but the 98% of them usually grab something paltry off of the US town local alcohol store shelves; usually the weak cheap ass table wine shit made by Gekkeikan and Takara left out in the open like they do with mall made Chinese scammer brand katana, and they only buy ONE bottle as if any real Japanese person is such a fuckheaded bitchass fucktard to get ONE FUCKIN BOTTLE (unless it's for a nice small dinner BY YOURSELF). The only reasons why sake sets exist are for tasting and weak livered pussys where real fun comes from downing a cupful or jugful by the ounce; history vindicates this and we all know that weeaboos get their "history" from their anime excess. Where other liquors pride themselves on enjoying to taste like bitter but well quality and sophisticated piss, Sake loves being the kind of piss that eventually gets sweet, artsy and complex but not fruity.
More over, where weebs further fall flat of being really Japanese, the real good shit is the stuff that costs $15 and up, and you know it's really made by some stringent old motherfucker out in the old town who knows his shit and kills bears with his bare fuckin' hands out in the mountain ranges of Honshu, and you order it off the internet like a real leet topkek motherfucker. The other Japanese drinks for a real men is Sochu, which is made of wheat-like FILTHY GAIJIN BEER- Add a bit of something bubbly and enjoy. The last one is Awamori. THIS is where the Vodka alliteration comes in and fucks you up big time. P.S. Unless you're an asian person or Japanese guy or anyone who has little to shit tolerance, it will take a 720ml to an 1.8 liter to fuck you up; go for Sochu, Awamori or chug away and experiment the hell out of it. Another crazy awesome but buyer beware thing is the "impact delay"- Great sake will hit your brain like a Hokuto Face Fucking Totally Radical Pierce The Fucking Heavens ITACHAA ONEEEE CHANNNNN Beefy Splat Reaming Fist with a minute's delay, and you will feel it as if your brain came all over the insides of your skull.
Beer is, by all standards, the greatest invention of mankind, the second and third greatest being guns and boobs, respectively. Beer was invented by Belgium in 5000 B.C., a fact that has been disputed for many years by filthy, gay German nazis. Beer is made by putting yeast, sugar, germinated barley, and hops inside a big sealed jug of urine and leaving it in a basement for a few weeks. After the jug explodes, the beer is scraped off the floor and walls, put in bottles and is now ready to be shipped to thirsty rednecks everywhere. There are many types of beer all over the world, but the most popular is malt liquor, a type of beer that is brewed in filthy bathtubs and sold in crime-ridden liquor stores at $3.00 for a 40oz bottle, perfect for any nigger.
Fact: 58% of all welfare money in America goes directly to malt liquor companies. (The remaining 42% goes towards blunts, crack cocaine, True Indian Hair, and pre-sagged jeans.)
Another Fact: Many of us can thank beer for our very existence. Why? Because it's the only reason your dad ever fucked your mom. It is also documented that beer kept everyone in the Dark Ages from drinking the water, which was literally full of other people's shit, piss and almost certainly the bodies of their dead mothers. The hygiene of most people in those days was only slightly better than that of your typical modern-day bushwoman (or man--it's the same anyway). Rather than drinking the water that every human and animal within the city limits relieved themselves in, people decided to drink the much safer, and much tastier beer. Incidentally, this lead to an increased amount of fetal alcohol babies, which is why England is ugly as sin.
Cider, like the aforementioned high gravity malt liquor, was only enjoyed by white trash, hobos, and punks up until about 2006, when it suddenly became popular. This is due to some awesome viral ads, to be found on Nazitube. Now, all the scene kids drink it, especially when bored on the internets. Cider makes you leet. Its made like beer, only with rotten apples. One of the finest brands is Dicken's Cider. In The Land of Scones and Alcoholics, cider is SRS BUSINESS, as it is both cheap AND twice the strength of beer. Worshipped nationwide by chavs, students and farmers. It is always a good idea to give this to your children.
Wine is the beverage that appeals to the extreme high end and extreme low end of alcoholism and to your mom.
If you are a rich wino, you will probably drink something called Carte Poulet from Burgundy, France. You'll probably smell it, swish it around, and loudly declare that it is dry with just a hint of alabaster voyeurism. Sure, you'll get pissed, but you'll get pissed in style. And everyone will admire you for it.
If you are a real deal hobo, you won't be so picky. You'll go for something that blasts you out of your tank and leaves you a gaping mess. For that, you'll need to find a brand with a name like Night Train or MD 20/20. Make sure that it comes in a flavor for its hallucinogenic additives. We here at Encyclopedia Dramatica recommend ginseng. Make sure that it comes in a screw-top plastic bottle (preferably Easy-Squeeze). For a guide on which hobo beverage performs best, visit BUMWINE.COM.
Countries with large supplies of wine, for example France, have plenty of goon. Because too many losers made their own wine farms back in the 90s, there is now an oversupply. What to do with all this shit? Well the only thing the growers can do is sell it all off cheap. And the liquor stores buy it. Consequently you can buy a nice bottle of goon for as little as US$1.10. A typical example of this is the wine Gato Negro from Chile. Grapes grow wild by the roadside, so every Tom, Dick and Harry makes wine. The result is this slosh that the Chileans themselves wouldn't touch with your dick and their dog's ass pushing. Instead, they up their country's GNP by putting this piss into bottles and exporting it just as fast as they can. The result is the sound of thousands of Chileans laughing at the ignorant gringos who are paying upwards of $14 to $18 per liter bottle of this pig piss, while any Chilean without scruples, honor or taste can buy a gallon jug of it for a mere $1.
The exception to the rule is Sam Neill, who has his own vineyards for use in his wine, drank once a year on Realization Day.
Cheap white wine, normally of the Fruity Lexia type, is sold in Australia to underage scene kids in silver sacks encased in cardboard boxes. The wine is dispensed through a plastic squeeze funnel (not unlike the ones the operate water coolers). These cost about $10Aus and are normally between 2 to 4 liters. (GOON BAGS MAKE FOR AWESOME PILLOWS WHEN PASSED OUT)
The sack packaging has made drinking games with this form of wine quite inventive. One popular game played with goon is Goon-Of-Fortune. Based on the TV fail show Wheel-of-fortune. The game is played with a sack of cheap wine, 1 Hills Hoist (a spinning clothes line used by white trash) and several emos. The goonsack is attached to the spinning clothes line via a peg, the clothes line is spun and whoever it stops on must drink continuously from the sack until the other players have finished singing the Goon Sack Song.
The Goon sack song varies from region to region but normally includes the players name, a reference to masturbation and fail.
A variant of the game involves four bags - a red, a white, a different white, and a mystery goon - anything undrinkable in large quantity. Cheap port is good.
Also known as la fée verte, Absinthe is distillation of a shit-ton of different herbs including wormwood that is often mistaken for a psychoactive drug, similar to LSD. It will fuck your shit up, for no other reason than it's ~70% ABV. It is thought that excessive absinthe drinking had worse effects than those associated with overindulgence in other forms of alcohol, a belief that led to diagnoses of the disease of "absinthism". The first vilification of absinthe was an 1864 experiment in which a certain Dr. Magnan exposed a guinea pig to large doses of pure wormwood vapor and another to alcohol vapors. The guinea pig exposed to wormwood experienced convulsive seizures, while the animal exposed to alcohol did not. Magnan would later blame the chemical thujone, contained in wormwood, for these effects. Care should be taken in picking absinthe, as Czech "absinth" is not actually absinthe, but vodka dyed with nuclear waste. Marilyn Manson has his own Brand of Absinthe called Mansinthe, which you should avoid like the plague. Hipsters have taken on the brilliant idea of setting absinthe on fire when they drink it, which results in simultaneously killing the flavor and setting yourself on fire.
Brewed and distilled by crazed, opioid-addled hillbillies in the mountains of Cornhole County, Arkansas; moonshine, much like apple pie and methamphetamine, is a staple product of Americana. It is made by putting some kind of alcoholic substance inside of a still, where the ethanol is boiled into vapors which travel through copper tubing and drip into an old mayonnaise jar. Stupid people often warn that drinking homemade hooch will make you go blind and die, which is obviously a lie invented by the Feds and the Women's Christian Temperance Union.
Denatured alcohol is ethanol that has been combined with methanol to ensure that the product cannot be consumed, and eliminate taxes. The funny thing is, it still can be consumed, just now the person will go blind, shit their pants, and die a horrible, agonizing death just because they were too thirsty to read the warning on the label. Not that this stops the Polish tramps, as where most civilised countries actually add toxins that blind you, all the Polish do is dye it blue and sell it cheap. Fun fact, denatured alcohol is normally just ethanol with other bits added in. Heat at roughly 78°C and condense to produce pure ethanol. Side note, you will still go blind, because The Man hates chemistry.
This is for when you're so degenerate that even a 5 dollar fifth of importers vodka is breaking your buck. It is a known fact that Listerine is 21.7%. You can tell when someone is drunk off of mouthwash because of the smell (and because they can't read the warning label correctly while attempting to edit ED), and the stuff is so toxic that the drunk will be extra fucked up. This is the favorite drink of bums that play George Thoroughgood songs on harmonica. For Native Americans.
Everclear and pure alcohol
95% pure fucking ethanol. The real man's drink. General Ripper swears by it. Drinking a shot of this will instantly numb your lips, burn your insides, and put hair on your tits. And if you're a real American hero, you can light a shot of this on fire and try to drink it. This usually ends with hilarious results:
Pure distilled evil in liquid form. Chinese firewater that could be used to put a man on the moon of a planet in a far-off galaxy. It tastes like a combination of the fires of hell, rotten Indian food and the after-effect of The China Syndrome. Can be drunk or snorted through the nose, even though neither one is recommended. Health warnings do not apply. If you stupid enough to drink it, you deserve everything you get. All it has going for it is that it burns with a rather fetching blue flame. Other uses can be: as an engine de-greaser, curry stain remover, glass etcher, or Room 101 torture.
The Norse God Odin's favorite drink, mead predates wine, beer, liqueur and all distilled beverages; it was first manufactured at least 100 years ago. It's made from fermented honey, water and yeast. It can be light or rich, sweet or dry, or even sparkling. It may be flavored with herbs, spices and flowers. It is not a wine as it does not contain grapes, and white wines flavored with honey are just shitty, white trash imitations of the real thing and often have much lower alcohol content then real mead. Genuine mead is smooth and highly intoxicating, which means you'll probably drink 3 gallons of it, not realize how much alcohol you just drank, and pass out in your own vomit. Don't be fooled by bars that sell white wine as mead. If you can't tell the difference, stick with piss beer.
The world's oldest alcoholic drink, mead used to be the only way to get drunk, but, in modern times, it has been replaced by crap like Bud Light. Nowadays, most mead is
homemade by lonely housewives consumed by fat lonely virgin neckbeard Metalheads while listening to Amon Amarth and Enslaved and saying things like "I'm 14/88 German, I'm embracing my ancient Viking heritage", then going to reblog photos of Fenriz on Tumblr.
Made from dead pears, perry is what upper class limeys and frogs drink as they wave their canes in the air and damn the poor. It may also be called "pear cider" because nobody knows what perry is. Modern perry usually contains high fructose corn syrup (or "the white man's poison") along with inverted sugar syrup. Yum, yum.
Is to wine as bourbon is to whiskey. The cheap(er) stuff is only used to make cocktails. The expensive stuff (always served neat), formerly drunk only by classy people, is now favored by rap stars. Oh, and you can also cook shit with it.
Made from juniper berries, gin is used in pretty much every cocktail known to man. Smells like rubbing alcohol, and is known to fuck your shit up. Taking 6 shots will guarantee vomiting, sex with obese middle-aged women, and waking up in a pool of your own urine and puke. Gin and tonic is the staple drink of an English Gentleman, the only known alcoholic beverage to protect one from malaria. If you don't like gin, you must be American and therefore irrelevant. Essentially vodka with berries and shit in it.
Driving while drunk not only makes you cool, but makes you safe because the alcohol relaxes your body and prevents you from making dumb, impulsive decisions like slowing down in school zones and using the blinker. If your friends tell you not to drive home when you are drunk, do not listen to them. They are just trying to keep you from looking cool and impressing all the girls because they want all the action to themselves. A little known legal loophole prevents suspects in criminal investigations from being held legally responsible for their actions if they can prove that they were under the influence of alcohol at the time of the offense. Thus, murder and alcohol are the most practical combination.
Alcohol also improves your ability to shave with a straight-razor, particularly the first few times, as it steadies your hand from the fear shaking.
The influence of alcohol in the family has given family members things to bind relationships with each other since the dawn of time. Several scientific studies indicate alcohol is as important to family life as religion, values, or any other family binding activity. It is customary in the western hemisphere for the adult alpha male (father) to engage in routine visits to an establishment of social drinking commonly known as a "bar". After the alpha male has become drunk beyond all reasonable doubt, he makes his trip home to the best of his ability dodging police, sides of roads, and stoplights. After he has arrived to his home, he then sets his family straight, and tells them how it is and how it is going to be. He often does this for the lulz. At this time it is customary for the lower on the chain, wife and children to then burst out with obscenities toward the alpha male reminding him that he is drunk and he is full of fail. With repetition on a daily basis it is almost a given the family will prosper in a healthy fashion.
Effects of Alcohol
- Blurred vision
- Being awesome
- Wanting to fight that girl across the bar
- Wanting to fuck that guy across the bar
- Embarassing dancing
- Blatant mental genius
- Acting like Mel Gibson
- Becoming an hero
- Legal Drinking Age
- Crystal Head Vodka
- Drunk dial
- Pizza and beer
- Dying Alone
- Self Ruin
- Whale Safe Beer
- Texts From Last Night
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|Featured article April 5, 2008|