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Adobe is a software company that makes programs to allow people to turn the contrast up on photographs so that they can post them to their MySpace profiles. It also owns Macromedia, the company responsible for Flash. With the widespread piracy of Photoshop and Flash, and the fact that their Acrobat Reader is free to download from their website, nobody has ever actually bought an Adobe product. Despite this, Adobe is still somehow a profitable company. This means that it either prints counterfeit money (photoshopped McDonalds coupons) or is a bizarre entity of antimatter that may cause the annihilation of the universe if it grows large enough.

Adobe Profits

Adobe's earnings since 2000. This is serious:

  • 2007: $3.158 billion
  • 2006: $2.575 billion
  • 2005: $1.966 billion
  • 2004: $1.667 billion
  • 2003: $1.295 billion
  • 2002: $1.165 billion
  • 2001: $1.230 billion
  • 2000: $1.266 billion

Somehow, between making more monies, Adobe still manages to bitch and moan about lonely basement dwellers pirating their software. Clearly, you should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Quick guide to legally buying an Adobe product

The purchase of an Adobe product is not a task to be entered into lightly. Many have sacrificed their lives trying to generate the money required. The below guide provides a relatively low-risk method of legally obtaining any Adobe program without resorting to piracy or other illegal activities.

  • Sell your house and all your worldly possessions.
  • Sell some of your less important organs to science.
  • Refrain from buying food. Food is an unnecessary expenditure which can be avoided if you are willing to recycle your own waste for sustenance. Blowjobs can be dispensed to area homeless people for extra protein.
  • Congratulations! You now have enough funding to buy the Adobe program of your choice within the confines of the law!
  • Realize you sold your computer as part of your worldly possessions, meaning you can't even use this shit, and contemplate becoming an hero
  • Repeat the entire process again in 3 months, when Adobe releases a new version of the same product, only with more bugs, memory leaks and useless features.

Popular Adobe Software

Very useful software, indeed
  • Photoshop (For photo fixing enhancing)
  • Flash (One-way ticket to pissing off Apple and hanging millions of PCs)
  • Premiere Pro (For making pron)
  • Audition (Soundtracking your pron movies)
  • Soundbooth (For the cheap bastards who can't afford Audition)
  • Dreamweaver (Making Internet)
  • Flex (Making Internet 2.0)
  • After Effects (For inserting digital women in your pron)
  • Contribute (Nobody fucking knows or cares)
  • Captivate (For recording ChrisChan's pedophilia)
  • Adobe Media Player (For watching Porn)
  • Illustrator (For making your shitty high-school band flyers and logos)

The luuuv their employees

The secret wage-theft agreements between Apple, Google, Intel, Adobe, Intuit, and Pixar (now owned by Disney) are described in court papers obtained by PandoDaily as “an overarching conspiracy” in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act and the Clayton Antitrust Act, and at times it reads like something lifted straight out of the robber baron era that produced those laws. Today’s inequality crisis is America’s worst on record since statistics were first recorded a hundred years ago — the only comparison would be to the era of the railroad tycoons in the late 19th century.



See also

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External Links

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